Updated 2023

Tomorrow is Easter. Tomorrow we celebrate the resurrection of our Savior, Jesus Christ. Fully man, fully God. The Son of God, who took on the death that we sinful humans deserve. He exchanged His blood for our salvation. If we believe, we will be saved.

Goodness, I love that truth! Hosanna to God in the highest and peace to His people on earth. He is good. 

As I meditate on Christ’s death and resurrection, I remember my own personal redemption, when I decided to finally stop my striving and surrender to God. My story is one of God’s insurmountable grace and mercy, of His love and forgiveness at every turn.

Growing up, I attended church every Sunday with my mom, dad, and younger sister and brother. We read Bible stories, we prayed together, and I even went to the church young group throughout high school. But I don’t think I fully grasped what it meant to have a relationship with Jesus at that time. My priorities were getting good grades, hanging out with friends, playing on the tennis team, and having the love and approval of my family. By my senior year of high school, overwhelming perfectionism and an underlying sense of anxiety started to creep in.

When I was 18, I experienced what can only be called a total breakdown. I was fearful, nervous, and anxious about starting college, at a school where I knew no one. And after having a falling out with my best friends, I felt very alone. The best way I can describe my life is feeling out of control. I felt like I was drowning, and I didn’t know what to do. So I turned to the one thing I thought I could control—and that was food.

I didn’t stop eating entirely, but I stopped eating what my body needed. I cut back more and more food until I was eventually starving myself. I was good at hiding my disorder – in fact, I didn’t believe I even had one. My parents allowed me to go off to college, but within a few weeks, I was forced to withdraw from school for medical reasons. 

I couldn’t hide anymore.

Back home, I signed myself into an inpatient treatment program. My diagnosis: anorexia nervosa. I learned I was so underweight and malnourished that if I didn’t make some serious changes very quickly, I would die.

Upon hearing that, I felt incredibly weak and helpless. I was disgusted with myself. Ashamed. Guilty. Afraid. I felt like my life was over.

Yet part of me was relieved.

I could finally stop pretending I was okay when I was so far from it. 

After a few months in treatment, I was able to return to college, eventually graduating on time, summa cum laude, with a double major. (I told you I was a perfectionist.)

As my health stabilized, doctors told me I was a miracle. They included me in a research paper. For a long time, I gave myself all the credit for being alive. 

But I can tell you today, I am alive because of God’s continued hand of grace and protection on me. He saved me in every way.

A few months after graduation, I landed my first real job in New York City. A friend of mine joined an Acts29 church in Dallas and told me how much she liked it, so I decided to look for an Acts29 church in NYC. Turns out there was one within a few blocks of my apartment. 

I walked in alone on Super Bowl Sunday, 2013, and walked out with an invitation to a Super Bowl party that night. I met a woman who would go on to faithfully disciple me, to share the Good News with me, to stand by my side as I was baptized, and to eventually become one of my bridesmaids. 

During my four years living in New York, God kept chipping away at my eating issues and my misplaced identity. Through Biblical counseling and many talks with my family and friends, I learned that my eating disorder had served as a way to cope with some much deeper issues in my life—this idea that I had to be somehow "perfect." For a long time, I believed I needed to have it all together – an impressive job, good friends, a relationship, to feel happy and fulfilled and look good while doing it. If I felt anxious or overwhelmed, I could at least control my food and my body. I could look perfect even if I didn't feel that way.

Yet, the more I read God’s Word, the more time I spent in community with other believers, the more I prayed and invested in my church body, and the more I confessed my struggles, the more God healed and redeemed me. 

Like Paul, it was as if the scales finally fell off my eyes. I realized I had to stop living for myself and start living for the Lord. He’s the only One who defines me, and He calls me His daughter. He is the true healer, of my body, mind, and soul. He is authoring my story in the most beautiful way. 

I was saved by grace through faith, and that’s a gift from God that doesn’t come from my own doing. (Ephesians 2:8)

Where there hard days? Oh yes. I think that’s a normal part of any recovery process. But by trusting Jesus, I finally experienced true freedom, hope, and healing. Since then, I’ve walked through seasons of counseling, participating in a support group, meeting with a dietitian, and also taking anti-depression and anti-anxiety medication. 

Because accepting Jesus doesn’t mean I’ll never face trials. It does mean I have a great hope and my future is secure in Him. (Hebrews 6:19)

His spirit dwells within me now. I've asked Him to heal me time and time again, and heal me He does. He has slowly removed the guilt and shame. He’s given me joy and true worth. He brought me a godly man who became my husband, and He’s gifted us with two beautiful children. He's helping me to trust in Him and His plan because He is in control, not me. 

Sometimes I think Jesus allows us to come to a place of finally crying out, I’m not okay, so that we can cry out to Him. To admit we need Him. Only He can sustain us. I fully believe God used that time in my life and my eating disorder to shape me into the woman I am today. He used that circumstance to draw me near to Him and allow me to fully surrender my life to Him. He’s given me a newfound sense of empathy for others who are struggling. I can look back at what I experienced and truly praise Him for it.

While I was still a sinner, Christ died for me. (Romans 5:8). For you.

God knows everything you’ve done. All the guilt and shame. The fear and anger. The sadness and doubt. He knows the person you once were, the person you are today, and the person you are becoming. He calls you His beloved son or daughter. Trust in Him—and the old self will be gone, while the new self remains.

Easter—Resurrection Sunday—means a celebration of Christ as our risen Lord. He died the death that we sinners deserve. He rose from the dead, defeated sin and death, and sent Satan to the grave. His mercy knows no bounds.

He is the God of miracles, and He is still at work today! In my life and in yours. Truly, all things are possible with God (Matthew 19:26). Trust in Him.