What Am I Doing?

As I've told more and more people about this blog and how I'll be writing on a regular basis here, I've been asked a lot of questions. Very particular and challenging questions, but questions I needed to hear, nonetheless.

What will your posting schedule look like?

How will you promote your site and gain followers?

How will you find diversity of stories?

How are you going to stand out among the thousands of other bloggers out there?

How will you ensure your blog doesn't just reflect young, privileged, white women?

What's your traffic goal?

What do you want to gain out of all this?

Gah. So. Many. Questions.

I felt intimidated by the people asking me these questions, even though I know they came from a place of pure curiosity and genuine interest. They were being honest, only meaning to encourage me. And it's certainly wise to think through things like a posting schedule and promotion (which I have, I promise). These questions forced me to think critically about my site and what I'd like to see happen here. That’s important to do.

But these questions have also stirred the sleeping giant that is my own insecurity. Soon, a sinking suspicion of self-doubt started to crop up. I began questioning not only the logistics behind my site, but also my writing skills and my ability to spread truth and love through my words.    

Because these people are right. How am I going to keep the content fresh? How am I going to distinguish myself from the myriad of other websites out there? How am I going to capture more diverse stories beyond just my group of friends?

The answer is I don’t entirely know.

I know God has placed a desire for this website on my heart. He’s encouraged me to share my story, in all its sin and shame and messiness. That’s something that would not have happened a year ago. I believe He wants me to be open about my own struggles in order to better relate to and serve others. To let them know they’re not alone in whatever it is they are going through, and God is with them in even the darkest of moments.

The Lord has also brought some incredibly courageous, Godly women into my life who have expressed that they want to share their stories with me, and that they want to contribute to this blog. God’s given me an ear for listening, and, I like to think, a compassionate heart for other people. Others have been vulnerable with me and entrusted me with their stories. They want to be heard.

In this season, the Lord has given me space to be creative. I have the time and energy to put toward writing regularly. It’s more than my passion or something I enjoy doingit’s a form of worship for me. As I’ve said before, I thought about a book for a long time. But that’s an even greater undertaking, and I'm not quite sure where to begin when it comes to writing it. Digital media, on the other hand? That I am very familiar with. It seems like all roads lead to a website. And ultimately, the risk of creating and maintaining a blog like this is quite low. The worst thing that can happen is no one reads itthat’s a risk I am willing to take.

For the first time, I’m investing in somethingand then I’m taking my hands off it. Normally, I would be more controlling about the whole process. I would want everything to be just right. I would create this idealistic picture in my head of what it all should look and feel like. That idealism would lead me to put too much pressure on myself, and ultimately to burn out. This time I’m not expecting perfection or viral success. Would it be amazing if my blog turned into something even greater? Of course. Of course I’d want that. Yet that’s not the purpose.

I’m not here to glorify myself. And if my blog posts start to sound that way, please call me out.

The purpose of this blog truly is to spread the message of Christ. If I can reach one person, just ONE, with the hope of His saving grace, then my work is done.

I am trusting the Spirit’s promptings in this. He’s given me this desire to speak openly about my life, to let others in and to be there when they want to open up in return.

My roommates and I have a Bible verse calendar in the kitchen of our apartment. I see it every morning as I'm making breakfast. This morning's verse was Proverbs 20:24, and the timing could not have been more spot-on.

A person’s steps are directed by The Lord; how then can anyone understand their own way?

I smiled when I read that. Okay, God. I see what you’re saying. I get it. Thank you.

So what am I doing? I’m writing, I’m listening, I’m praying, and at the end of the day, I’m giving this whole thing up to God.