I'm Changing The Diet For My Mind
A version of this piece was originally published on verilymag.com. You can read all my articles for Verily here.
She’s engaged!
She’s having a baby!
Holy cow, her body bounced back so quickly.
She looks awesome in that bikini.
She ran a half-marathon; I can barely run two miles.
Wow, she cooked a gourmet “clean” dinner, whereas I ate a box of pasta.
I wish I could afford a Valentino dress and a Parisian vacation like her.
No, that’s not a back-and-forth between two girls in a chick-lit novel—that’s a sample of the running stream of thoughts that goes through my head as I scroll along in Instagram.
It starts out innocently enough. I open the app. I look at my feed, and then tap, tap, tap. The “search” page is too tempting to stay away from. The next thing I know, I’m looking at the past three months of my favorite fashion blogger’s outfits, or the entirely documented relationship of The Bachelor and his fiancée, or the wedding photos of a sorority sister whom I haven’t talked to in four years.
Then the comparison kicks in, the judgment statements become louder, and the self-doubt slowly spins its lies. A few minutes of mindless scrolling, and my head becomes a dangerous minefield ready to explode.
At least, that’s how it used to be.
Engaging in social media, blogging, building websites, and tracking all the latest happenings in the digital world are part of my job. And I love it. I really do. But recently I noticed how quickly I let myself get wrapped up in Instagram and Facebook and looking at other people’s lives.
Something that is supposed to be fun and easy became sneakily destructive.
My counselor is the one who brought it up. I had been telling her about my anxiety and how I tend to compare myself to other women—whether I know them or not. After talking about it with her, we both began to see how much my active digital presence contributed to this comparison complex.
She didn’t want me to drop social media entirely. As a writer, these platforms are helpful for me to build community and give me a place to share my work. But as someone who has struggled with body image and an eating disorder, what she did want for me to do is learn how to use social media in a healthy, life-giving way.
So my therapist challenged me to complete a mindfulness exercise: Write down every page I visit when clicking through the web, Instagram, or Facebook. Stop and write down each new page as I go along, and then take note if writing down the pages helped to curtail my browsing.
What was I clicking on? How fast was I moving to the next page, the next blog, the next Instagram image? Where did my thoughts wander when doing so?
I did this exercise for one day, and I was amazed at how much a bit of awareness changed my outlook. Employing mindfulness in my daily Web browsing not only made me more aware of what I was clicking on, but it also made me stop looking at pages and profiles that simply weren’t healthy for me.
I also looked at my iPhone battery settings to see exactly how many hours I spent on my phone—and how many hours I spent texting, going online, or pulling up Instagram. Let's just say those two-minute scrolling sessions to pass the time sure do add up.
How much time do I spend on social media, on websites, on things that ultimately do not matter? How much time do I spend on Jesus?
Too much and not enough.
So now I’m in the midst of what I call a mindful detox. Forget about detoxing with fruits and vegetables. I’m talking about a full-on detox for the soul. What I feed my brain and my heart is just as important as what I feed my stomach. I want to be healthy in mind, body, and soul.
I don’t need to see how a popular blogger got her “bikini body.” I don’t need to see the engagement photos of a sorority sister whom I haven’t talked to in years. And I most definitely do not need to see a lifestyle guru’s clean recipe whipped up to perfection in less than thirty minutes while I was eating delivery.
Looking at these snapshots is not an inherently bad thing. Oftentimes, doing so can be inspiring, encouraging, and exciting. Social media connects us and allows us to reach people, even befriend people, we otherwise would not have. But when I mindlessly tap from one image to the next, I stop seeing the images for what they are: bits of someone’s life put on display and usually made to look presentable and flattering. Instead, these tiny 4x4 images become larger than life and show a window into lives that somehow seem better than mine.
The first step for me was to take a look at who I’m following on social media. I’ve unfollowed accounts that just bring out my self-criticism and the accounts that don’t make me happy. I’ve begun to follow and prioritize accounts full of encouragement, real beauty, and honesty, and those are the ones I’d much rather look at anyway.
I’m also logging out more often and checking in way less. If I log out of the Instagram app, I’m a lot less likely to pull it up when I’m bored and wanting to waste time. By having to type in my password each time I want to check the app, I instantly have a built-in buffer that helps me ask why I’m logging in to begin with. I turned off all notifications, too, so that I get to control when I’m seeing who liked my photos or who tagged me. This, plus giving myself a time limit when I do log in, has helped me to start using Instagram—and all social media, really—in a much more conscious way.
Changing the media diet for my mind has led me to read actual books again. I was a voracious reader as a kid and teen, but in the past few years, books have taken a backseat to magazines, websites, blogs, and social media. I have to say, a little literature is quite nice once in a while. (I’m currently reading and highly recommend Brooklyn by Colm Tóibín.)
Reading the Bible doesn't hurt either. I started a "Bible In A Year" plan this January, and it has honestly changed my day-to-day perspective on life. It's helped me to root myself in the truth, in the things that never change because they're of God. Filtered photos, celebrity gossip, diet trends—they're always changing. But the Word and God Himself are forever constant.
The last part of this mindful detox: switching up the negative soundtrack in my head. At the advice of my counselor, I recorded a voice memo on my phone of myself—speaking positive, affirming, truthful thoughts. It’s something I can listen to in moments of insecurity and self-doubt. It might sound weird, and it kind of is. Yet it’s a way for me to listen to reality and remember the facts instead of relying on my ever-changing feelings.
I am smart, funny, beautiful, and loved. My Instagram feed and my Facebook profile have no bearing on any of those things. They have no bearing on my worth as a woman—and the profiles I view certainly do not. I get to be me, regardless of how many times I check my social media accounts, or what my abs look like compared to my friend from high school, or how my breakfast compares to Gwyneth Paltrow’s. I’m me, Maggie, and my identity rests in something much greater than my online presence. In a world consumed with likes and shares and page views, knowing that is immensely freeing. I'm praying for a continued focus on the things above and for a mind nourished by truth.
If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life.
And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.
Truly, He makes beautiful things.
Giving Up Is A Very Good Thing
The best vacation of my life ended one week ago. After nine wonderful days in Ireland, my body is finally re-adjusted to the Eastern timezone, and I’ve had a few days to reflect on the time that was.
I loved spending time with relatives, and I loved my lack of phone service. I didn’t check my work email at all. I checked my personal email maybe twice. I sent a few iMessages and made two FaceTime calls, but that was it. I disconnected as best as I could. So while I had a jam-packed trip with plenty to do and plenty of people to see, I actually felt like I had a chance to breathe for the first time in a long time.
I could finally exhale.
I could relax. I had a break from real life, and with 3,000 miles between me and NYC, I could more easily see how gosh-darn hectic my life in the city really is.
I believe that right now New York City is precisely where God has me. He uses us where we are, with what we have, regardless of where that puts us on the map. Our God is not in the accidents business; He knows what He’s doing. I see Him doing big things here, within my church, my community, my apartment, and even this blog.
It's why I want to continue to invest and root myself in this place, as I have been doing the past three years, for the amount of time I have left here—however long that may be. But the relief I felt and the weight that was lifted off of me by a little more than a week in Ireland is a clear sign that I need to cultivate more rest in my regular rhythms of life in New York.
My relatives in Ireland live life more simply. I recognize this is partly because they live in a more rural area than I do. Yet ultimately, they know what’s important: family, friends, faith. They cook together and spend hours gathered together, eating the freshest farm-to-table food you’ve ever tasted, drinking cups upon cups of Barry’s tea, and telling stories that will make you laugh until your side hurts.
That’s not to say they don’t work. In fact, the Irish work very hard. They have their day jobs and still many come home to tend to their livestock and farms at night. A major difference I noticed between their lives and mine is that they leave work at work. Each home is a little oasis. They don’t have their phones, tablets, and computers out all the time. They're aren't glued to their screens. (Unless they’re 15 years old and using Snapchat.) They were present. So I was present, too.
I am working on being more in tune to the current moment and living a simpler life in New York. I pray each activity I do is life-giving and allows me to become more like Christ. I want to start focusing on the activities that help me grow into a more Godly woman, and the activities that I truly enjoy, not the ones that I think I have to do in order to look accomplished or to be accepted. I will spend my time with friends who I love, and who love me in return. Friends who challenge me and call me out when I need it. Friends who encourage me and who I can in turn speak truth to.
If there’s anything else Ireland taught me, it’s how to give up control. Letting go of control was what my week in the countryside was all about. I had to surrender my wants and my plans—to my family, my hosts, the weather, the travel. I had to be flexible and adapt. People say never give up, but in reality giving up can be a very good thing. And what do you know? Letting go lets me enjoy the present, too. (Those Irish sure know what they're doing.)
Unpredictability and shattered plans are two of my least favorite things. So, yes, there were certainly times in Ireland when I wasn’t as flexible as I wished I would have been. I remember a Sunday night when my sister and I were hungry and couldn’t find a place open for dinner after 5 p.m. I became, ahem, hangry. How could nothing be open? I resolved myself to trail mix and a Guinness. But my dad, being the logical one (thanks Dad!), asked our hotel concierge if there was any food left in the kitchen—within minutes, he arrived with freshly made sandwiches for my sister and me. Problem solved. I didn’t need to control the situation or figure out the perfect solution. It all worked out.
I didn’t plan out my itinerary, or my social calendar, or even my blog posts while in Ireland. For 90 percent of the time, I went with the flow—and it was good.
I let other people take the wheel (figuratively and literally, no way am I driving on the left side of the road). I let people pick out the restaurants and coffee shops and attractions.
Relinquishing my control was healthy and provided the opportunity to be aware, to enjoy the now.
From where I stand today, I am the exact same woman I was before going on vacation—except I feel brighter and refreshed. I didn’t lose myself. My experience was probably the opposite. I gained clear perspective and freedom, something I set out to do at the beginning of this year. I think God wants the same thing for each of us, to give up. Give up our worries, our fears, our concerns. Give over our hopes and our dreams. I have a hard time doing that. It requires a great deal of courage, and a whole lot of trust to know that having His hand in control is way better than my own.
The Lord is continuing to show me the fruits of surrender, the fruits of letting go. He did so with my new apartment, with my new relationship, and now with Ireland. He’s helping me to loosen my grip and enjoy all He has provided for me in this very moment.
Giving up means I can let go of the things that end up controlling me. My life looks simpler, and my day-to-day includes more rest, more restoration, more presence in the present. I can let go and let God.
I’m going to need you to check in with me on this, though, okay? I can guarantee situations will crop up that test my new-found ease and trust. Your prayers for continued surrender are always appreciated.
My own prayer as of late is short but sweet:
God, don’t give me what I want but give me Your best.
I’m giving up to get His best, to be fully engaged in the life He's given me right now, and I am more than okay with that.
If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life.
And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.
Truly, He makes beautiful things.
How Majestic Is Your Name
If you've been following along on my Instagram, you probably saw that I spent the last nine days in the land of rolling green hills and shamrocks. Ireland's beauty blew me away. (Believe me, it took a lot of restraint to not post all of the 200-plus photos that I snapped.)
My family and I traveled to the Motherland to visit relatives, so I knew most of my time there would be spent living like a local and I was pretty pumped for it. But the one site I simply had to see was the Cliffs of Moher. They've been on my bucket list long before this vacation even came about, and I knew I had to make it there before the trip ended.
Our sweet cousins drove us to the Cliffs last week. I am still thinking of the place and looking at the photos in awe. The whole time standing at the Cliffs, I kept saying, "Wow." They're beautiful, awe-inspiring, wondrous, glorious, majestic, and untouched. Like a bit of heaven here on Earth.
As my dad and I stood there, I said, "How can someone see this and not believe in God?" It's too unbelievable to have come from man's hands or some random act of science. How awesome that the God who created all of this is the very same One who loves me, who knows me, and who cares for me in the smallest of details? He created me, just as He created this vast ocean and these glorious cliffs.
Rather than write a long blog post trying to come up with more adjectives for "beautiful," I'd rather leave you with the words of Psalm 8. A poetic love song for creation. Scripture just says it best, you know?
"Lord, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!
You have set your glory
in the heavens.
Through the praise of children and infants
you have established a stronghold against your enemies,
to silence the foe and the avenger.
When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is mankind that you are mindful of them,
human beings that you care for them?
You have made them a little lower than the angels
and crowned them with glory and honor.
You made them rulers over the works of your hands;
you put everything under their feet:
all flocks and herds,
and the animals of the wild,
the birds in the sky,
and the fish in the sea,
all that swim the paths of the seas.
Lord, our Lord,
how majestic is your name in all the earth!"
The Day After Easter
"Christ is risen from the dead.
We are one with Him again.
Come awake, come awake,
Come and rise up from the grave.
Oh death! Where is your sting?
Oh hell, where is your victory?
Oh church, come stand in the light.
Our God is not dead;
He's alive, He's alive!"
I can't believe it's been one year since I sang those words on Easter Sunday during my baptism. One year ago, I publicly gave my life to Christ at my church and shared my story with the congregation. My mom and my sister travelled to New York City to be with me on Easter. In fact, my mom video taped the whole thing—I watched the video back last night and teared up a bit. Having she and my sister there is something I will never forget.
I was floored by all the other friends and family who surrounded me during that special day, and how even more people reached out when they couldn't be there in person. We celebrated after the service with a homemade Easter brunch, and as I looked around all I could think was, God is so good.
Thank you to everyone who was present both physically and in spirit that day. I was touched by each and every one of you.
Last Easter, I let the words of Colossians guide my testimony as I stood in front of the church, living as one made alive in Christ.
“You have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.”
The verse is in the present tense. He is renewing us, and he will continue to do so. I felt the immense power of that word on Easter, and the Lord has brought even more life and light into my world since then.
He provided new roommates, a new apartment, and a new community. He gave me a new job and helped me let go of my pride. He healed my broken heart, and He cultivated in me a sense of true rest and contentment.
Easter is a tangible reminder of all of these things.
Yet today is the day after Easter. The extra vibrant worship music has faded to the background. The church is back to normal. And if you live in New York City, it's raining and windy and cold. It doesn't feel as joyous and hopeful as Easter felt. Maybe today you're back to work, back to reality, and life feels a little like it's dragging.
I saw someone post on Instagram this morning about how she feels let down after Easter—like we celebrate this hugely important day and then the day after, and the days to follow, feel as though we're back to the valley. Back to real life. Back to a world that feels hopeless and dark.
I think her sentiment is one many of us share.
I'm here to tell you that Easter is as much today as it was yesterday, as it is every day of the year.
The gloriousness that is Easter reigns forever. To comprehend that, we have to take it back to the beginning. When God created heaven and earth, it was perfect. Adam and Eve were perfect. When they sinned, we became sinners, too. As the pastor I heard on Good Friday said, "Before we can understand what was done for us on the cross, we have to see what was done by us."
God took on flesh as Jesus, a perfect human man who actually lived and walked the earth as one of us. He went to the cross because we are the ones who deserved it. Not Him. Us. He took that on himself. He died a terrible death for you, and for me. He bore the wrath that we deserve.
Why would he do that?
Because he loves us. Plain and simple.
The best news: God didn't stop there. He went one step further. Jesus rose from the dead and ascended to the throne in heaven. In doing so, he granted us eternal life!
All I can say to that is, Wow.
The light we experience on Easter shines brightly for us every single day. We have ultimate peace, hope, and joy because of Easter. It's a peace we won't find anywhere else. Nothing will fulfill and satisfy in the way that our God, Jesus Christ, does. And he gives us His love and protection completely free of charge.
Easter means we have access to everlasting glory. Easter means we have a deep comfort and assurance that transcends any gloomy Monday. Easter means we can enter into a relationship with God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. It's the greatest relationship we'll ever have.
So come awake, come awake!
He is risen, and He is here with us even when Easter is long over.
If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life.
And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.
Truly, He makes beautiful things.