I thought I was becoming a stay-at-home mom to help my kids. But really, God was leading me into stay-at-home motherhood to help me.
Charles and I got married in June of 2018. (You can read more about our dating here, and how I knew he was my future husband here.) Come August of that year, still fresh from our honeymoon in Snowmass, Colorado, we had moved into our new apartment in Nashville, he started a new job, and – I remember the day like it was yesterday – we found out I was expecting. Cue mic drop.
We were excited and, of course, a bit nervous, too. As my belly began to grow, I felt like I would want to quit my job outside the home to work as a mom.
Once I held my baby boy, I knew I wanted to stop working at my corporate job to be his primary caretaker. I had prayed about this decision. My husband and I both had. I truly felt called to this new role.
What do I mean by feeling called? Well, Merriam-Webster puts it this way:
call·ing (n): a strong inner impulse toward a particular course of action, especially when accompanied by conviction of divine influence
I felt convicted by divine influence. God made it clear what I should do, and He united Charles and I in that. That has been super important because it’s allowed me to stay the course when things are hard. Because even though I made this choice, I still have hard days. I still have times when the kids aren’t listening to me (they’re six, three, and one, after all) when I remember my old work, my paycheck. I think that’s very normal. I used to have frustrations in my 9-to-5 job, too.
Yet I feel confident this is the right spot for me, even if only for a season. I have one child in school now, and things might look different when all three are in school. Like we strive to do with each part of our lives, we are taking it one day, one step at a time, trying to be faithful to Jesus and surrender it to Him. We trust He will continue to make our steps clear.
I’m a working mother but I do not get paid. I do not work outside the home. That said, I don’t usually use the term “stay-at-home mom” because I like to be out of the home whenever possible. I’m in car drop-off and pickup lines, in grocery stores, at the library, at the park, taking my kids to the museum or the zoo or a local trail, I’m at church, I’m meeting up with friends and having playdates, I’m at the pool or splash pad, going to appointments, volunteering at school events. You get the picture.
At one point, I would instead say I’m a “full-time mom,” but I’ve recently learned that term is a divisive one. So when someone asks what I do? I tell them plainly, I am a mom. And after six years of this role, I finally feel at peace with that. I don’t need to justify my job by saying “Well, I used to be a writer and work in communications.” Or “I sometimes freelance.” Or even, “I’m very busy with XYZ at church.”
In my pride, I would want to tell people about the job I once had, the cool things I’ve done in my career, and the education I received before I became a mom. I thought that was important. I thought I was giving up everything I worked so hard for when I decided to work as a mom. Sure, I have given things up. I have sacrificed. But each sacrifice has been worth it. It’s shown me more of who God is and how He’s made the ultimate sacrifice for me.
My perspective has completely shifted on this because in reality, I was – and am – becoming more of who God created me to be. A daughter of the King, with my identity firmly in Him, not in anything I do and not in how successful I believe I am as a mother. My identity is secure.
He’s the one writing my story, ordaining each chapter along the way. I’m not “throwing away” the life I used to have or the achievements I once valued so much. I’m simply attempting to set aside my earthly treasures for a life in His Kingdom, done His way, instead.
You see, I thought I was becoming a stay-at-home mom to help my kids. But really, God was leading me into stay-at-home motherhood to help me.
He’s used motherhood to reveal my anger, impatience, fear, anxiety, desire for approval, and desire for control. And no, I don’t think I’m being too hard on myself here. Rather, I recognize that I’m a sinner, and my sin is what sent Christ to the cross. I can do nothing apart from Him. Nothing. I cannot fix myself or force myself to be a “better person.” Jesus, and Jesus alone, through the cross and resurrection, can change me.
He rose again, defeated death and the grave, and he now offers me life forever with Him – and new life here on this earth! That’s what we call the Gospel, the Good News. Jesus made a way back to God on my behalf. As a broken human, I couldn’t do it on my own. As the perfect God-man, Jesus could (and did).
I used to think about this more in terms of having my eternal home with God in heaven one day. Being a part of His kingdom. When we confess Him as Lord and Savior, He guarantees this. (Romans 10:9) We don’t have to do certain works for it. Aren’t you glad of that?
But He’s also bringing His kingdom here, now. We get to be a part of it!
He is changing me every day. He is refining me and showing me how to die to myself. This is a continual process. Some days I feel His presence and His power more than others, and some days I quite frankly just feel my mess. Yet, He who has promised is faithful. He already knew all my mess when he went to the cross. It’s the reason He came.
I’ve had people say to me things like, Oh I could never have three kids like you because I’m too controlling/anxious/overwhelmed.
I gently respond: Same, girl!
“His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.”
I’m too controlling, anxiety-prone, and easily overwhelmed to have any kids at all. The only reason I can and do is by the grace of God. He gives me the strength I need while chipping away at my defects of character slowly but surely.
And I have to keep giving it over to Him. God can do anything. Nothing is impossible with God (Luke 1:37). He asks me to get up and walk, too. So, I’ve been through a lot of counseling and am a big proponent of it. I’m actively involved in Celebrate Recovery and am currently working through the eight principles of recovery with my accountability partners. I’ve also just started going through The Emotionally Healthy Woman study with a group of women from church. I firmly believe we can all benefit from counseling and recovery work. God can do miracles, and He invites us to be a participant in them.
I just want to keep living for Him and His purpose, shedding the worries of this world, releasing expectations, and letting Him do what He wants to do. I feel more free now than I think I ever have. As John 8:36 says, “Who the Son sets free is free indeed.”
While I get to impact my kids each day through my time at home with them, I think what’s happening even more is that God is impacting me. I thought I was going to change them – yet God knew all along He was going to change me.
❤️
