I started writing this blog post yesterday, and it was a completely different post. Feelings of frustration and anxiety overwhelmed me. I felt like I had all this pent-up (negative) energy that I needed to get out. Get the feelings off my chest and onto the page. I wrote two hundred or so words.
Those words are dark. Harsh. They come from a place of anger and irritation—a place we all sit in on some days. But I read those words back today, and I’m thankful I didn’t publish them. They don’t tell the truth of where I am in this moment, how I feel, and how the Lord is working in my life. Today my disposition is different. Maybe I’ll dig out that draft to turn it into a full post one day. But right now, it’s not an accurate depiction of my heart.
My hope is that this blog is an outpouring of exhortation, encouragement, and light. Yes, sometimes I’ll be brutally honest with you and tell you, I’m mad at God right now and feel like a mess. And that is totally okay. It’s real. We all go through those seasons, however long or short.
Yet I don’t want to sit here and complain about the little frustrations I’ve had in getting settled when the reality is that God has been unbelievably faithful. He’s showing me (yet again) that I don’t need to worry or stress.
God’s bigger picture is so much grander than my small anxieties.
He’s provided in countless ways, and I think sharing that with you is important. I don’t know what you’re going through in life right now. But what I do know is that He is working, even when things look hopeless. Please trust me in that.
Two weeks ago, I was upset with God. My subletter for my NYC apartment decided she was moving out—10 days after moving in. I instantly went to a place of fear and distress. I couldn’t afford to pay rent on that apartment, in addition to my rent here in Nashville. And I got mad at God because all I wanted was to feel settled here. How could I root into my new life when I was still so physically and financially tied to my life in New York?
I did what I do best and strategized my way through the problem. I posted about the apartment on every platform possible, spreading the word to everyone I knew. And the demand was high. Countless women from countless walks of life wanted my room. Still, I worried these women wouldn’t be the right fit for my old roomie. The situation was a dark cloud looming over me.
And the thing is: I could do very little. I had to trust God. I had to let Him work while I prayed and believed in His provision.
I was reminded by those closest to me that the Lord so clearly called me to Nashville. He wouldn’t leave this major piece of the puzzle unsolved. He provided once; he would provide again.
Provide He did. He went above and beyond this time, giving my old roommate a fellow Believer, a sweet girl that she clicked with right off the bat. He provided this within a week of starting the search. I didn’t have to pay double rent because God came through.
Why did I even doubt in the first place?
The Lord keeps showing up. It’s a cycle of me worrying, Him providing, and me being all, Wow, why did I ever distrust Him?
I live alone here in Tennessee. I thought it would be hard to be myself, yet it’s actually been refreshing and fun. My apartment complex has a tennis court. I’ve hit the pavement for the first time in years. And it feels awesome. I also now drive a car—I own said vehicle. I own a car! It is crazy and awesome. God brought me to a dealership full of fellow Christians who truly wanted to help me and not wheel and deal me. I love my car, I love driving, and I no longer fear the road like I did when I first moved here. Huge praise for that.
I am meeting a lot of wonderful people here in Tennessee. They are genuinely kind and welcoming, and I believe strong friendships are on the horizon. I’ve prayed for just one Godly man and one Godly woman to enter my life and my boyfriend’s life. People we can be friends with but who also hold us accountable, challenge us, and strengthen us in our faith. He’s putting people into our lives with the potential to be those very people for us. And he’s put us in a church body of incredibly strong men and women who believe in the Bible and strive to walk in it every day.
One month into my job, and I couldn’t be happier. While working in ministry is a pretty big shift, the transition has been easier than I anticipated. It feels like this is where I was always supposed to be. I’m using my giftings to engage the church, share the Gospel, and be salt and light to the world. I know there will be plenty of challenges in working at a church, but right now I am thrilled to have the opportunity to do God’s work in my 9-to-5.
In transitioning to Nashville, I knew it would be important to have a counselor near by to help me continue on the road to full freedom and be available whenever new temptations and stressors arise. After weeks of frustration over connecting with someone who is qualified, accepting new patients, and the right fit for a counseling relationship, I found someone. A new friend of mine recommended her nutrition counselor to me, and I can already tell meeting with her is going to be a really healthy step for me. She’s an expert in her field, and we connected instantly on the phone. Oh, and she’s a Believer.
I prayed about each of these things. I wanted them to happen on day one of moving here. I wanted to essentially take my New York life and transplant it here. I expected friends, community, a counselor—heck, even a fully furnished apartment—on day one. That’s not how it’s worked out. And that’s okay. Life is slowly coming together. God’s making me turn to Him and abandon my own control. Yes, that can be annoying at times. Of course, I like to be in charge and d0 things my way. But there’s something so sweet about this process. It’s freeing.
Friend, hear me when I say we don’t have to worry because He will come through. We just have to know that His provision often looks different than what we want or expect. It may look different than what we pray for. I can tell you I never would have asked to struggle with an eating disorder, or to enter treatment eight years ago, or miss my first semester of college. But now that I look back, all of that was truly a blessing because it changed the course of my life. God used that terrible pain and suffering to bring me near to Him and shape me into the woman I am today. He used all of it to take me to Nashville, this job, and this place of growth and gratitude. And I wouldn’t change that for the world.