Living Out of Abundance

Throughout the summer I’ve been splitting my time between Isaiah and the Psalms. The Psalms feel very digestible for me right now, and let me tell you, God sure is speaking to me through them. (Doesn’t he always speak through His Word?)

The Lord is showing me my desire for control over everything and how much I want to plan out each step of my life. I want to fix things, I want life to be perfect, I want to look like I have it all together, and I want to know what God has in store for my family and me. Sometimes I find myself focusing on what I want and what I don’t have, rather than on what God continues to provide for me.

Today, what I want most is more family time. I also want more community within our church, greater ability to travel, a larger car, an apartment with more space, and a baby who will happily take a bottle and sleep through the night. In wanting these things, I can easily forget all that God has already given me. A home. A church family. A vehicle. A husband who has a steady job and who loves me well. A precious son growing bigger and stronger every day.

A dear friend reminded me recently that God doesn’t promise that He will give us everything we want. But He will give us everything we need.

We can trust that fully. He will sustain us, and He will provide our daily bread. Every morning we awake, He’s given us another day and another opportunity to praise Him.

Psalm 23 says:

“The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack.

He lets me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside quiet waters.

He renews my life;

He leads me along the right paths for His name’s sake.

Even when I go through the darkest valley I fear no danger for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff—they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You annoint my head with oil;

my cup overflows.

Only goodness and faithful love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord as long as I live.”

What would it look like to live out of abundance, rather than focus on what we lack?

What do you feel like you are lacking? Money? A job? Health? A spouse? Children? Friends? A home? You are not alone in feeling like you lack something. As humans, we are going to feel that on this earth. But the thing is, we all have everything we need in Christ. He provides our souls with abundant grace, love, forgiveness, strength, and justice.

God provides us with manna in the wilderness. In the Old Testament, God used Moses and Aaron to lead His people, the Israelites, out of slavery. In doing so, they spent 40 years in the wilderness, wandering and having only manna and quail to eat. They were used to different, better food while they were slaves in Egypt. And they wanted to go back to that life of slavery and sin so they could have the abundant, rich food again!

“In the desert the whole community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. 3 The Israelites said to them, ‘If only we had died by the Lord’s hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death.’”

— Exodus 16:2-3

Sound familiar?

We often would rather live stuck in a life of sin, relying on our own ways and trusting in the provision of our own hands instead of trusting in God’s provision and manna.

“Then the Lord said to Moses, ‘I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions. On the sixth day they are to prepare what they bring in, and that is to be twice as much as they gather on the other days.’”

— Exodus 16:4-5

God provides the bread, and He himself is the bread. He provides for our physical needs as well as our spiritual needs. He invites us into a relationship with Him. And He commands that we rest in Him, trusting in Him as our provider. With Him, our cup overflows. I want to live out of that abundant cup.

The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack... I will dwell in the house of the Lord as long as I live.

That is my prayer for myself and for my family right now—that we dwell in the house of the Lord as long as we live.

Father, help me to trust in You and Your provision. Even when I go through the darkest valley, I fear no danger for You are with me. You are my shepherd. There is nothing I lack.

One Year of Marriage

Marriage is sweet. Marriage is fun. Marriage is refining. Marriage is hard.

My husband and I celebrated one year of marriage a few weeks ago, and there’s just so much I could write about these past 365 days. We began reading 1 Peter and 2 Peter together in June, and during the week of our anniversary, God divinely had us read chapter three.

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you[a] of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

I love this passage, and I think it’s often misinterpreted in our culture. Peter’s call to live with a gentle and quiet spirit doesn’t mean women must never speak or have an opinion. He’s saying beauty is a woman whose heart loves, trusts, and finds full satisfaction in the Lord. True beauty stems from the inside.

Through marriage and now motherhood, I’ve certainly been learning what true beauty looks like—especially on those days (ahem, most days), when I skip the makeup, slip on an old sorority t-shirt, and pull my hair into a top knot.

I’ll be writing another post on beauty and these verses soon, but today I want to focus on marriage.

This past year has been beautiful and sweet and blessed and hard. Before getting married, I remember listening to a sermon from Pastor Matt Chandler in which he said he and his wife Lauren really struggled for the first seven years of their marriage. And I remember reading a book from Jess Connolly, who wrote in detail how she and her husband fought to make ends meet during their early years of marriage, moved in with her parents, and lived a vastly different life than what they had envisioned.

I haughtily thought, That won’t be us. We’ll be married after all that time dating long-distance, and life will be easy.

In fact, Charles and I have also had a year that looked vastly different than what we pictured married life would be. It’s been a year of surprises—both the good and the bad. The year was full of so much change, in our jobs, location, church, and the major transition from newlyweds to new parents. God blessed us in incredible ways. When Charles moved down to Nashville, he got a job within a few weeks, and we were able to move into an apartment in one of our favorite neighborhoods. Shortly after that, we found out we were expecting, and this April, our precious son burst into our lives.

But in the midst of great blessing, we’ve also faced hardship. Over the past year, we’ve had very limited time together because of our job schedules. Quality time is the top love language for both of us, so this lack of togetherness has been extremely difficult. We’ve dealt with unexpected medical issues and surgery, plus the many appointments and bills that come with those. All of this has happened as we’ve been sleep-deprived and physically exhausted, and as I’ve been under the cloud of pregnancy and postpartum hormones.

Our son is 12 weeks old today, and I finally feel like I’m getting a bit more rest and that my hormones are leveling off. I feel more like myself. Charles is doing better, too. We’ve moved from a season of great difficulty to a season of great difficulty but clarity. You see, God has made it abundantly clear to us what He desires for us, both individually and as a family. He’s used this year to strengthen us in ways many couples don’t experience until later in their marriage, if at all.

I remember having a conversation with my dietitian a few months ago, as I sat crying in her office. I was heavily pregnant and feeling overwhelmed, while also missing my husband. She shared with me how she and her husband, now married more than 30 years, faced their own hardship during those early years as young 20-somethings. They got married in college, they didn’t have much financially, and they lived simply. She told me how they’d make date nights special by cooking together and eating a picnic in the living room by candlelight. No television, just a radio to listen to and conversations to have with each other.

She said any difficulties they faced in that season built their marriage early on with a firm foundation in the Lord—and showed them how important it is to simply be together as husband and wife. To talk, to pray, and ultimately to trust in His plan.

And that’s exactly what Charles and I have come to realize. Reading 1 and 2 Peter has helped us see that suffering is not only a normal part of the Christian life, but it’s to be expected. Furthermore, our suffering cannot compare to what Christ suffered. He went through the most horrible death imaginable. Crucifixion was meant to put a person through as much pain as possible while prolonging their death. That’s what Jesus went experienced for us, and He lived His life with eyes focused on the cross—while also knowing He would rise again as our Savior and King. Praise God!

In this year, we’ve seen firsthand God’s grace and mercy. He is the God of restoration, strength, support, and power. (1 Peter 5:10-11) And we know that we shouldn’t be surprised “when the fiery ordeal comes among you to test you as if something unusual were happening to you.”

Our first year of marriage has been an exercise in patience and trusting in the Lord. We’re finally seeing that the difficulties we’re facing right now aren’t out of the ordinary but actually to be expected as we walk through this Christian life. We’re understanding that God’s plan is greater than ours. We’re learning to let Him work and let Him direct our steps.

“A man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD determines his steps.”

— Proverbs 16:9

Peter said it best in his second letter, written just before his death as a charge for believers to beware of idols and sins and to follow Christ wholeheartedly:

“His divine power has given us everything required for life and godliness through the knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” (2 Peter 1:3)

The Lord does not delay His promise (2 Peter 3:9). Whenever we feel lost or impatient in our waiting, we can trust in God, who is patient with us, giving us exactly what we need in His perfect timing.

That’s the truth I now cling to. Even if there are things about this year that I wish were different, I still wouldn’t change them. My husband and I have grown together through the weeds, and we see how God is gently pruning us so we continue to grow and flourish. No matter what we face, we have the great blessing of each other—something we do not take for granted. We know God has given us everything required for life and godliness through His divine power! And we look forward to the many years ahead.

My Son's Birth Story

My son is now seven weeks old. I can’t believe how fast the time is going by. I’ve been working on his birth story the last few weeks, and today I can finally share it with you.

Sunday, March 31, the night before he arrived, I was sitting on the couch watching TV. Charles was at work, so I texted him a few photos of my belly—which was moving in ways it never had before. We texted back and forth about how it looked like the baby was really leaning to one side. At 9 p.m., he texted me:

“What do you think that is?”

I replied, “I’m not sure. Maybe a contraction of my uterus? It’s been happening all night.”

I finished this blog post a little after that and then texted Charles again: “Is this early labor?”

We weren’t sure. I wasn’t in any pain, so I didn’t know what to think. I ended up going to bed and slept for about an hour. When I woke up around midnight, I felt serious cramping, and it was painful. The best way I can describe it was like strong period cramps—not unbearable, but certainly noticeable. I sent Charles another message, telling him I thought this was it. Like we learned in our birthing class, he encouraged me to sleep. But I couldn’t. I stayed in bed, but the pain kept me up. I thought about eating a snack for energy, except I had no appetite and actually felt a bit sick.

Charles told me to call him the second I felt sure this was labor and I wanted him to come home. I held out because I still wasn’t convinced I was in labor yet, and I didn’t want him to drive home for a false alarm.

Time passed by quickly. Then around 3 a.m., I called Charles.

“You need to come home now. This is the real deal.”

He raced home and helped me get comfortable. He took a shower and ate, and he made sure our hospital bags were truly ready to go. I was still lying in bed, but even doing that hurt. Charles began timing my contractions in his notebook.

Around this time, Charles suggested we sit on the couch together and watch The Office. (Another recommendation from our birth class for how husbands can help.)

Well, I couldn’t sit on the couch. I got down on all fours in front of the TV and took deep breaths, as the contractions came like waves. We barely made it through the familiar opening credits as I moaned loudly on the flour—too loud to hear Michael Scott say anything. Charles continued timing my contractions, and we kept checking the guide from our hospital. I still hadn’t hit the point at which they advised I go in.

I decided to get in the shower. The hot water was about the only thing that felt good during this time. Charles continued monitoring my contractions, but I often had to catch my breath and didn’t want to talk to tell him when I was having one. I kept snapping at him—how could he expect me to be chatty at a time like this? Just look at me and figure out when the contractions come!

After the hot water ran out, I got out of the shower. Again, I had to get down on all fours, this time on the bath mat. Charles massaged my back. He then called and left a message for the hospital’s nurse on call.

Time went by in a blur.

Around 7 a.m., I went to the bathroom and saw a gush of blood. Immediately Charles said it’s time to go to the hospital. We got in our car, and thank the Lord, the hospital is only a five-minute drive from where we live. We dealt with a little bit of rush-hour traffic and then struggled to find parking. Charles had the hospital map printed out, along with directions of where to go. He was in the zone, following signs and making sure he took me exactly where we needed to be. But of course, I was giving him a hard time. Sitting in this car makes the contractions feel worse. Just park already! (Sorry, dear.)

Charles told me that right as he parked, I gripped the seat and said, “Dear, Jesus.”

As you can tell, I was a lot of fun during this time.

We quickly walked into the hospital and rode the elevator to triage, stopping along the way as I had contractions and needed to catch my breath. I’m pretty sure a man rode in the elevator along with us. What a sight for him!

Around 7:30 a.m., I checked in at triage, and a nurse immediately brought me into a room to examine me. We told her how the night had progressed, and then she told me I was dilated to 6 centimeters.

What?!

I was in full active labor and almost to the transition stage. I had figured I’d be in the hospital with an epidural way before this point. In fact, during pregnancy I feared that I would get to the hospital in pain, and the nurses would tell me to go home until I was further along.

This is my first baby; I simply had no idea what the pain level would really feel like. I was following along with the guide we received at our birthing class. While I might have gone to the hospital earlier had I known, I am super thankful my birth story turned out this way.

My doctor came into the room—a total God thing she was at the hospital and available!—and said, “I’m sticking around until this baby comes. You’re going to deliver your son today!”

I felt so excited and ready to go. Charles, a nurse, and I walked down the hall, again stopping with each contraction, and I went into a room where a team of anesthesiologists promptly met me.

The lead doctor thoroughly explained all of my pain management options to me. I told her I’d like an epidural, so I signed the paperwork and was hooked up to an IV. I remember having to sit up straight on the edge of the bed, staying as still as I could, as my nurse helped steady me and the team of, I think, four administered the epidural. I never saw what they did because it all happened quickly and in my back out of sight. I found the whole procedure to be very smooth and fast.

Afterward, the anesthesiologist checked my legs and my numbness, as well as my pain level. I had an additional button for pain medicine that would come through my IV and that I could administer myself up to every 10 minutes.

The relief of the epidural was almost instant. And let me tell you: I felt like a new woman. I was relaxed, at ease, and even more excited. I was able to hold a conversation again, and despite only sleeping 1 hour that night, I was energized.

My doctor came in to see me around 8 a.m. (yes, this all happened very fast!), and she told me I was dilated to 8 centimeters. The transition phase. Labor was progressing quickly, and now we’d just wait until the time came to push.

Charles and I talked, and we both tried to rest. He was running on zero sleep whatsoever, poor guy. At this point, we took out the Scripture cards that I had packed and read through them. I focused especially on this one:

“Haven’t I commanded you: be strong and courageous? Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

— Joshua 1:9

Charles ate a few of the snacks we brought, while I enjoyed the provided apple juice, popsicles, and plenty of ice water. That’s all I was allowed to eat, and I figured doing so would help me gain some energy, especially because I hadn’t eaten anything in about 12 hours.

Unfortunately, I think the popsicles and my chugging water came back to get me. Over the next two hours or so, I ended up vomiting three times—once quite violently where Charles had to hold onto me. It was uncomfortable and frustrating, but thankfully each incident started and ended very quickly. If you know me, you know I’ve had an irrational fear of throwing up for a few years now. I get overly nervous when I hear anyone I know has a stomach bug. During pregnancy, I would cry when I felt like throwing up and also when I did, and I’d been extremely fearful of labor for the past few months simply because of the potential I’d vomit.

God really showed up for me during labor, and He gave me the strength to push through the vomiting. My nurse and doctor were not thrown off by what happened. They actually told me my throwing up helped move the baby farther down, and it was my body’s way of getting everything out of me so it could focus solely on delivery. Since this has happened I feel much more relaxed about throwing up now. While I don’t like it, I wouldn’t say it’s an irrational fear anymore. I could write a whole post on this and how it’s rooted in my desire for control, but I’ll save that for another day. If this sounds like you, though, please reach out to me! I know at least six women who share (or used to share) this same fear.

Between the vomiting and a heavy dose of acid reflux, I was feeling pretty uncomfortable. Both of those symptoms bothered me more than any pain. My nurse put medicine in my IV to help treat both, and after that, I felt significantly better.

At 1 p.m., it was time to push. Yay! Let’s do this, I thought.

I asked my doctor how long the pushing phase usually lasts. She said it could take 30 minutes or 3 hours, but she doubted I’d push for too long given how quickly everything else had progressed.

I did, in fact, push for 3 hours. And it was my favorite part of delivery. I wasn’t in pain; the best way I can describe pushing was that I felt pressure. I knew our son would be arriving any minute, and I was beyond ready to meet him. The more I pushed, the sooner labor would be over, and Charles would be in my arms.

Some time during those three hours, more nurses came into the room, which made us worry something was wrong. Everything was okay, though, and I just kept focusing on what my doctor and nurse told me to do. They gave me an oxygen mask to wear between contractions, and that really helped me catch my breath and regain my strength for each push. I felt like I was at the end of a marathon, pushing toward a personal record. This was the moment!

At 3:57 p.m., my doctor told me to stop pushing, and suddenly our baby was here! She immediately brought Charles up to me and put him on my chest, where he was quickly cleaned off and began to nurse. I’d never felt emotion like that before. I cried uncontrollably—the most natural happy tears—as my husband and I snuggled this precious little one. After nine long months, here he was in our arms. We spent the next hour just the three of us in that room. Our golden hour to bond without any interruption. It was the greatest moment of my life.

The love we feel for our son is unlike anything else. I really can’t describe it. Becoming parents has been the greatest joy of our lives. Motherhood is overwhelming, exhausting, and hard. Yet even with sleep deprivation and raging hormones, I am so full of love and joy. I’m learning sacrifice and selflessness; I now see a small snippet of the way the Father loves us.

There was a time where I didn’t know if I’d become a mother. I didn’t know if I’d get married, and I didn’t know if I’d be able to conceive given my health history. Through this pregnancy and now motherhood, The Lord has shown me that when it seems there is no way, He makes a way. He knows what is best, and He is always working for our good and His glory. He loves us unconditionally, and He delights to give us the kingdom.

Thank you, thank you, thank you Father.

My whole heart.