Hope in the Midst of Unmet Expectations

“May the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge, reward you fully for what you have done.” (Ruth 2:12, NLT)

I had our first year of marriage all planned out. 

Romantic dinners, walks in the park, coffee dates, and Sundays side-by-side at church. 

Instead, our year looked vastly different. Shortly after our honeymoon, my husband began working nights. The job slowly ate away at him and often hit 80 hours per week. We hardly saw each other. 

“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?” (Psalm 13:1a, ESV)

I wonder if Ruth ever felt the same way. 

After losing her father-in-law, brother-in-law, and husband, Ruth boldly chose to stay by her mother-in-law Naomi’s side. 

“For wherever you go, I will go, and wherever you live, I will live; your people will be my people, and your God will be my God.” (Ruth 1:16b, HCSB)

Her loyalty comes amidst desperation. Ruth had witnessed Naomi’s faith in Yahweh. She was willing to leave behind her family and homeland to follow the Lord. And she had hope He would deliver them.

God wrote Ruth’s story, and once in Bethlehem, He brought her to Boaz’s field. Boaz protects her, ensuring she and Naomi have food. He blesses her:

“May the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge, reward you fully for what you have done.” (Ruth 2:12, NLT)

Ruth’s unwavering faith in the Lord is so encouraging. Through every season, we’re called to seek refuge under the shadow of His wings.

This young woman had no idea Boaz was one of Naomi’s “kinsman-redeemers.” She was simply obeying God. Later, she humbles herself at Boaz’s feet, requesting marriage. Boaz selflessly takes Ruth as his bride and vows to sacrificially care for her. This is huge! God’s providence leads Ruth—a poor widow and foreigner—to Boaz. She gives birth to a son, and God puts Ruth in the genealogy of Jesus. 

Naomi and Ruth had no home, security, or hope. And God provided. 

He’s not left us without a Redeemer. He cares for us as individual women, no matter our background or circumstance. During marital hardship, poverty, fear, disappointment, and death, God is still present. He’s full of lovingkindness, and He’s provided our ultimate Kinsman-Redeemer in Jesus Christ.

My marriage didn’t improve overnight. My husband’s job wore us down and disappointed us.

But God never did. He was always there, pointing me to stories of hope like Ruth’s.

He showed us dashed expectations can be a very good thing and His plan is much better than ours. Ten months into marriage, I gave birth to our son, an unexpected, “good and perfect gift” (James 1:17, NIV). God gave us a tangible sign of hope—a continual reminder of His provision. “How excellent is thy lovingkindness, O God! therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of thy wings.” (Psalm 36:7, KJV)

Thank you, Jesus.

With Us in the Wilderness

My sister-in-law and I have been studying Numbers using Lauren Chandler’s With Us in the Wilderness book. And it has been so good. Numbers is the kind of book that I would read through quickly, missing much of the meaning and having a hard time focusing on. But Chandler has connected so many dots for us throughout Scripture, and we’re only halfway through the study. 

One of my favorite passages in the Bible is Numbers 6:24-26. This was actually read as a blessing at our wedding, and this year I decided to memorize it. I love praying this over my son (and he especially loves the Elevation Worship song based on it!)

Even if you haven’t read the book of Numbers before (I hadn’t), you’re likely familiar with these verses. For context, during the book of Exodus, God delivers His people out of Egypt after sending 10 plagues and parting the Red Sea. Now, the Israelites are in the wilderness, where they will spend 40 years before entering the Promised Land. During this part of Numbers, the people are restless. They are tired of wandering and impatient for God’s promise. The Lord gives Aaron (a priest and brother of Moses) this blessing for His people.

“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”

— Numbers 6:24-26

This is an incredible blessing from God. He extends it to each and every one of His children, and it still applies even when we’re walking through our own wilderness. Jesus Himself went through the wilderness. For 40 days, He was tempted by Satan, and He relied on the Father to deliver Him.

In her study book, Chandler writes:

“The Lord ‘blesses people by giving them children, property, land, good health, and his presence (Gen. 17:16; 22:17f; Lev 26:3-13; Deut. 28:2-14).’ The Lord ‘keeps’ His people by guarding and protecting them. For God to ‘shine his face’ on them is to liken Him to the favor and grace sunshine brings… The peace that is mentioned here is the Hebrew word shalom. It isn’t just peace in wartime, but wholeness and well-being. It is the ‘sum total of all God’s good gifts to his people.’”

Through Jesus, we get to have this total peace—both with God and with others. When we accept Christ as our Lord and Savior, we get to experience the sum total of all God’s good gifts to His people. Wow. That is the truth that I desperately need to cling to when times are hard.

If you are in the middle of your own wilderness right now, know that you are not alone. God sees you, and He continually offers deliverance. I’m so grateful for that.

What are you studying in the Word right now? Does your Bible study or quiet time look different because of the pandemic? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.

Lessons Learned

This past weekend, we went on a snowy, winter hike. It was a short, relatively easy one mile to the top, where a beautiful, icy glacier awaited us. We’d done this hike a few times before but always during the summer. We all dressed in warm clothes and boots, and we set off excitedly on our journey.

We took some incredible photos, like the one above. It looks like a winter wonderland, right? And in the photo I shared on Instagram where you see our faces, we look super happy.

What our beautiful photos don’t show you is that we ended up being pretty unprepared for the frigid temps and strong winds that met us at the top. My husband and I both forgot our gloves. (Oof.) Even though our son had on his warmest mittens, coat, boots, and hat, he still looked pretty darn cold and windburned halfway through the hike. Right before we headed back down, I started to feel anxious and worried for him. And unfortunately, I took my frustration and fear out on my husband by yelling at him. Never the way to go. Our son started screaming and crying.

His crying picked up as we began our descent. And it was the awful, sad, high-pitched kind of cry that comes with lots of tears and a very runny nose. It hurts my heart just thinking about it.

Charles took him out of the hiking backpack to instead hold him close. He used his bare hands to warm our little guy’s face, while going as fast as he could down the hill. Twenty minutes later, we’re back at our car, all trying to warm up and calm down. Our son was still screaming, and Charles’ hands hurt so bad, I thought he had frostbite.

The next thing we know, the car starts blasting air instead of heat—and then it shuts off completely.

Well, THANK THE LORD my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and three of her kids were with us. They took a separate car, so praise God we could all pile in their vehicle to stay warm. At this point, Charles realized our car wouldn’t start because it was out of gas. We were stuck. Cue another angry outburst from me. Yikes.

My angel sister-in-law drove us all a half hour to the nearest town, where we picked up a tank of gas. And then she drove us all back up that mountain so Charles could fill our car. Did I mention she is an angel? 😊

After a few unsuccessful starts, and more shivering in the freezing temps, Charles was able to fill up our tank with those two precious gallons of gas. It was just enough to let us coast down the mountain into the nearest town to fill up with a full tank. After that, we all headed safely back to my sister-in-law’s for a delicious homemade dinner and cozy night in.

It was a crazy afternoon, one that taught me a few valuable lessons I want to share with you here:

1. Never let your gas tank get below half a tank during the winter, especially if you’re traveling at higher altitudes.

2. Always keep an emergency kit in your car.

3. What you see on social media is almost always a highlight reel. We took some beautiful photos on our hike. But like I said when I shared a picture on my Instagram, a photo only depicts a small snippet of a story. Social media is a platform where most of us, most of the time, show off our very best selves. Remember that whenever you’re tempted to compare yourself to someone else. You never know what their full story might be.

4. My attitude as a mom has the ability to affect my entire family. This goes for every one of us moms, and I would argue for anyone helping lead a family. I remember reading this in a motherhood book, and this weekend I learned it is so, so true. My temperature affects my husband’s and my children’s. I want to be a mom who parents with joy and who trusts in the Lord as much and as often as I humanly can.

5. Last but certainly not least: Despite my turbulent emotions, God is always stable. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). When I’m fearful, when I’m anxious, when I’m angry, when I’m out of gas—God is my rock (Isaiah 44:8). He is my anchor (Hebrews 6:19). He’s the only One I can tether myself to for true protection, provision, and peace. He is the Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6). Thank you, Lord!

“Do not tremble, do not be afraid. Did I not proclaim this and foretell it long ago? You are my witnesses. Is there any God besides me? No, there is no other Rock; I know not one.”

— Isaiah 44:8

From the Archives: Called and Qualified

Today I’m sharing a post from March 2019. Looking back on my journals and my God stories reminds me of His total faithfulness, particularly in seasons of doubt and fear. I hope this content blesses you today!

Today I am 37 weeks pregnant. Baby boy is about six pounds, the size of a honeydew melon, and it’s virtually impossible for me to think about anything other than him. I am working full-time, but whenever I have a free second, I am thinking about him. What will he look like? What will he smell like? How will he sleep? Will he be blonde or brunette (or have no hair at all)? What kind of boy will he grow into? What kind of mom and dad will we be?

I’m not afraid of being a mom—I’m beyond excited and know God has been preparing me for this for months. But the whole birthing process is still quite scary and overwhelming for me. I wrote early this year about my fear and how I experienced an anxiety attack around Christmas time. I truly think that panic was God's way of waking me up to challenge this fear.

A couple days ago, I said to my husband that I've been fearful my whole life. As long as I can remember, even as a child, I've had fear. Fear of giving a presentation at school, fear of the big test, fear of roller coasters, fear of sleepover parties, fear of being left out during a slow song at the school dance. And eventually fear of not being perfect and not measuring up to my own unreasonable standards, which contributed to my struggle with anorexia.

The fear has been with me. I know I must have had moments during my childhood where I confidently pursued my dreams and didn't think twice about doing so. A childlike faith, courage, and innocence. I don't believe we are born feeling fearful, but I can't pinpoint a time when fear first crept into my life. It doesn't make sense. My family always loved me and encouraged me. Life was good. So why did fear still overwhelm me? Why was fear this continual thread in my life?

The day after I shared this with my husband, I thought, Well, wait a minute. I've also done a bunch of things in my life that I was initially afraid to do.

In the eighth grade, I tried out for my school’s play for the first time, and I ended up being cast as Dorothy in our production of The Wizard of Oz. Terrifying yet so fun.

I took a trip abroad with my Spanish class the summer before my senior year of college. I cried in the car on the way to the airport because I was already homesick, but 10 days later, I was having so much fun that didn't want to come home.

I decided to go to college six hours away from my family, at a school where I knew no one.

And then I recognized when I needed help, needed to leave college, and needed to get treatment for my eating disorder. One of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.

Post-college, I moved to a Pennsylvania town of 10,000 for a magazine internship. It was there God gave me a newfound interest for his Word and Biblical community.

I moved to New York City to pursue a career in journalism and ultimately pursued a relationship with Jesus. In 2015, I was baptized and shared my testimony as an adult with my church.

Sensing a new call on my life from God, I relocated to Nashville for the man I love and a job in full-time ministry—even though I had only been to Nashville once before and never worked in ministry.

And I started this blog, sharing my story and trusting that’s what God wants me to do.

I thought of all these experiences, and I saw God's faithfulness. Anytime I felt afraid and unsure, God was there for me.

I also remembered the countless men and women throughout the Bible who God used when they felt inadequate. He turned to people who seemed totally unqualified by cultural standards: Moses, Joseph, Daniel, Mary, the bleeding woman, Matthew, Peter. I read a quote somewhere about these men and women of the Bible that rang so true for me: God doesn't call the qualified; He qualifies the called.

“Then Moses said to the LORD, “O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither before nor since You have spoken to Your servant; but I am slow of speech and slow of tongue.””

— Exodus 4:10

“But he said, “O my Lord, please send by the hand of whomever else You may send.””

— Exodus 4:13

Moses repeatedly told the Lord to choose someone else to lead the Israelites to the Promised Land, and God kept reminding Moses that he was made for the journey.

Then we have Joseph—a young man sold into slavery by his brothers. He is wrongfully put in prison but eventually becomes ruler of Egypt—and his line of descendants leads to our Messiah, Jesus. Joseph is an unlikely hero. He looked completely unfit to rule Egypt or bring glory to God, but that’s exactly what he did. God qualified him. God didn’t care about how he looked socially or culturally; He cared about Joseph’s heart.

Stories of redemption like this are scattered all over the Bible.

Perhaps the most well-known is that of Mary, the 15-year-old girl chosen by the Father to be Jesus’ mother. She has a choice in the matter, and she boldly steps forward in obedience. Look at what happens in Luke 1 when the angel of the Lord visits her:

“The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.”

Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.”

“How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?”

The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be unable to conceive is in her sixth month. For no word from God will ever fail.”

“I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her.”

Mary is greatly troubled. Can you imagine what she felt learning this news? This was not 2019; this was a time when Mary could have been disowned for a child born outside of marriage. Not to mention, she’s only 15 years old. Yet she steps forward in faith. She trusts God, and she doesn’t let fear hold her back.

One of my favorite biblical stories is that of Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego in the book of Daniel. These boys refuse to worship the king of Babylon, and in doing so, are sent to the fiery furnace to burn alive. Daniel 6 describes how the furnace is so hot that the soldiers who brought these boys to it immediately die. Except the boys don’t die when thrown into the fire. They walk around in the fire with God at their side.

““Look! I see four men, not tied, walking around in the fire unharmed; and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.””

— Daniel 3:25b

They risked their lives in order to serve God, and they are delivered from the fire. What stands out the most to me in this story is how God not only rescues them, but He walks with them through the trial. This is truth that I need to cling to. I need to remember this on a daily basis. God walks with us through fear, anxiety, pain, and suffering. He is still good, no matter what we are feeling or experiencing.

So does birth scare me? Yes.

Will it be worth it? A million times yes.

This is God’s plan for me, and He will be there with me through every second of labor and delivery. He’s called me, and He will qualify me.

I'll get to meet my son. I'll have the gift of becoming a momma, something I don't ever want to take for granted. I picture holding him on my chest moments after he takes his first breath in this world. His dad and I snuggling him with overwhelming thanksgiving for this good and perfect gift.