7 Things I've Learned in 1 Month of Marriage

It's been a hot minute since I've regularly written in this space. Our wedding and honeymoon were in early June, and I wanted to settle into newlywed life, enjoying every minute with Charles before heading back to the blog. But lucky for you, dear reader, he loves when I write and is my biggest encourager. I am so thankful for him.

We are officially one month into marriage—I can't believe it! I'm by no means a marriage expert (LOL), and I have a lifetime of learnings to do. But in the past few weeks, I've learned a few things worth sharing with you.

1. Marriage is no greater than singleness in the eyes of God.

While I was single, I remember a married friend sharing with me that marriage is absolutely amazing but that it's not the ultimate end goal. She said as a wife, she could be easily distracted by her husband rather than focused on the Lord. Paul echoes this in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35:

“I want you to be without concerns. The unmarried man is concerned about the things of the Lord—how he may please the Lord. But the married man is concerned about the things of the world—how he may please his wife—and his interests are divided. The unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the things of the Lord, so that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But the married woman is concerned about the things of the world—how she may please her husband. I am saying this for your own benefit, not to put a restraint on you, but to promote what is proper and so that you may be devoted to the Lord without distraction.”

I now understand what my friend and Paul mean. I quickly run to Charles first because he's right here next to me, and I look to him for empathy, prayers, solutions. Being able to do this is a blessing. But as believers, whether married or not, we're called to run to Christ first. That's why Paul said to the unmarried, it is better for them to remain unmarried like he is (1 Corinthians 7:8).

To all my single friends: I'm not saying you need to stay single for the rest of your life. What I am saying is you are valuable, you are worthy, and your singleness is an honor in the eyes of God.

2. Sex is a gift.

We didn't sleep together before marriage. And we agree it was one of the hardest and best things we've both ever done. Whether you've already crossed this threshold or not, it's never too late to make a new start. We can honestly say this decision has given our marriage more life and passion than we ever imagined. Waiting means way more excitement, more value placed on the act, and a greater closeness with God than I thought was possible. We had to run to Him when tempted and remember that He loves us even though we are weak:

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we.”

— Hebrews 4:15

Not having sex with each other and not living together before marriage was also the biggest witness to our faith. People often couldn't believe we weren't living together, let alone not sleeping together. But it was never something we felt embarrassed or self-conscious about.

I think that was the Holy Spirit empowering us in our decision and helping us stand firm in God's clear direction for relationships. Saying no to sex before we were married showed us sacrificial love—a sliver of the sacrificial love God has for us. 

3. Pride will destroy your marriage.

I want what I want when I want it. For the past 28 years, I've been doing life my way. Trying to meekly follow The Lord, yes. But also doing it my way. I don't like to be wrong. I don't like to be challenged. I don't like to not be in control. That's where my sinful inclinations lie.

Now I have a husband. This isn't a 50/50 relationship. We are each called to give our marriage 110 percent every day. We're called to love each other, serve each other, and sacrifice for each other. That is no small task, especially for someone like me who enjoys being in charge. We also have to be quick to confess and then quick to forgive. Me stubbornly holding a grudge gets us nowhere, except me being more upset. 

Without humility, joyful servitude, and constant sacrifice for each other, our marriage won't work. No marriage will.

4. There are few things better than sharing homemade breakfast sandwiches and coffee with your husband.

Especially if you're still in your PJs. One of Charles' top love languages is "acts of service," and I'm so thankful he's chosen to utilize this with food! Whether he's cooking or I am, there is something so special about sharing home-cooked meals at the table together. 

(Want to up your breakfast sandwich game? Buy bread from the local bakery and invest in some quality butter. Mmm, mmm, mmm.)

5. Sleepwalking is real.

My husband has dealt with insomnia for years, and his back issues complicate sleeping even more. But his sleepwalking was a strange surprise two weeks into our marriage. Sleepwalking exists, and I've learned this firsthand. I've also learned the power of forgiveness and patience.

Since returning from our honeymoon, we've had to temporarily sleep in separate beds, until we move apartments and a new king mattress arrives.

I can't get mad at him for insomnia and sleepwalking—two unfortunate habits he'd much prefer didn't happen at all. And that's the thing: We're all human. We all have quirks. When you get down to it, sleepwalking (or sleeping soundly) has absolutely zero influence on our character and holiness. How we respond is much more important.

So when Charles is feeling exhausted, we pray God would give him rest and refresh him. When I'm feeling annoyed at the disrupted sleep schedule or at his worn-out demeanor, we pray for patience. God hears our prayers and is faithful.

6. Iron truly does sharpen iron.

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”

— Proverbs 27:17

In the words of Ron Swanson on Parks and Recreation, "The thing I love about Tammy is she calls me on my crap. Every guy needs that!" 

Really, though. Except in biblical marriage, we can call each other out and then graciously point the other person to Jesus. Marriage isn't an excuse to belittle the other person or maliciously point out wrongs. Marriage was created by God to reflect His glory and to help bring us closer to Him. Marriage is sanctifying. 

7. There's no one else I'd rather go on this journey with. 

I love Charles with my whole heart. We are two broken humans divinely brought together to live out God's call for our lives and help the other look more and more like Jesus with each passing day. He's my partner in ministry, my love, my best friend. There's no one else I'd rather do this life with.

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.

Three Years of Blogging

This week marks three years since I started this blog. Three whole years of blogging! This blog is officially a preschooler.

On July 1, 2015, I posted my testimony to this blog, sharing for all the world to see the woman I once was and the woman God transformed me into. This blog was something I felt a stirring to do for a long time, but it took having my heart broken to really push me into writing it. I’m amazed at the way God used something painful in my life for my very good.

This blog has gone through many changes of its own. In 2015, I was baptized and shared my story with my church in New York City. I was growing in my faith and diving headfirst into the Bible, ready to soak up all God had for me. I was also still wrestling with my eating disorder, going to counseling every week, and figuring out what I wanted in my career and in my life. 

Photo by Kat Harris (2016)

That summer I decided to be single for a while and try to take my time getting to know The Lord, rather than going about life according to my own plans..

Little did I know I’d be meeting Charles only a few months later. It was October 31, 2015, at the wedding of his sister, who also happened to be my roommate. I didn’t see him coming, at all. The craziest part of all: God used this very blog to show Charles more of who I am. Despite the long distance between us, Charles pursued me after falling in love with my heart written down right here.

Can I get a praise Jesus for that?

Photo by The Siegers (2018)

This small corner of the Internet has given me a place to process my thoughts on body image and anxiety, to meet some of the most kind-hearted readers around, to grow closer to Christ, and ultimately to share the hope of the Gospel. I feel like a very different person from who I was in 2015, and I believe the blog reflects that.

I’d love to know what you think of the blog and what you’d like to see in the future.

Please share more with this quick survey.

Thank you for joining me on this journey! Here’s to countless more years of blogging.

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.

In Sickness and In Health

Our wedding day was the absolute best day, and everything turned out better than our wildest dreams. But the beautiful photos don’t tell the full story (as social media rarely does).

While at our rehearsal dinner the night before, Charles felt sick. Tired, shaky, weak, dehydrated. He looked pale as we arrived for dinner, and as the evening went on, things only got worse. He couldn’t enjoy his meal, and he kept turning to me to tell me something wasn’t right.

As chocolate lava cakes came around to the tables, Charles got up and went outside. (Chocolate lava cakes are his favorite so I knew something was really wrong.) He sat outside the restaurant, and he told me and his family that he felt more sick than he ever had in his life. That he needed to go to the hospital immediately.

Our pastor came outside, we laid hands on Charles, and we prayed over him. Then we drove him to the ER.

After waiting a while and getting brought to a room by wheelchair, Charles was hooked up to an IV. The doctors diagnosed him with dehydration, hyponatremia, and hypokalemia. Low sodium and low potassium, and if he had kept drinking plain water and losing nutrients as much as he was, he would have been in serious trouble. Charles told me he never felt that sick in his life, and that before he got to the hospital, he thought he was going to die.

We took this photo in the ER around 1:30 am, when doctors told us Charles was almost back to normal and okay to go home. The nurses wished us well and congratulated us on our impending nuptials, just a few hours away. Our brother-in-law said it best: Charles and my wedding was Friday, June 8, with a beautiful ceremony and celebration. But our marriage was built in that hospital room on June 7 (and in the early hours of June 8).

We know Charles is healthy and full of life today because of our Father. Jesus protected him, saved him, and gave us the gift of our wedding. Our marriage is a testament to His Grace. Thank you, Lord! And here’s to many more years by your side, Charles.

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.

Why I'm Not Losing Weight for My Wedding

We are 2 weeks away from getting married as I write this post. I've lost all hope of focusing on anything else during the next 14 days. We are so very excited and cannot wait to be husband and wife.

According to most bridal magazines, women's websites, and social media influencers, I should be hard at work to make sure I'll look my very best on the big day. I should be amping up my workout routine, focusing especially on my arms, shoulders, back, abs, and butt. I should be changing my diet, eating "cleaner" and preventatively dropping the weight that I'll surely put on as a newlywed. By now, I should have already considered fillers for my forehead lines, chemical peels to eradicate any acne, and regular facials to ensure my skin is on-point. 

Oh, and one week before my wedding, a popular beauty magazine instructs that I should: 

"Cut out salt, dairy, sugar, and bread. Oh, and booze. Sorry! It is all in the name of depuffing."

Okaaaaay then.

I should feel completely overwhelmed with the number of to-dos I'm supposed to be managing.

Praise God, I don't.

I have adopted a waxing schedule, and I've been getting regular haircuts. Other than that, I haven't done much outside of the ordinary. I definitely felt the pressure when we first got engaged to start working on myself. I'd be lying if I said I don't want to look my best on June 8. I want to look and feel my most beautiful, of course! 

Today I feel the most beautiful I've ever felt, and I've done the complete opposite of almost all the "suggested" courses of action. After years of struggling with an at-one-point life-threatening eating disorder, I've experienced healing and restoration in so many ways. The thing that could have derailed my entire life is what God used to set me on the right track. His track.

Since moving to Nashville a year and a half ago, I feel like I've been coming back to life. I never expected to move here, but God plucked me out of NYC, brought me here, and connected me with the most amazing eating disorder dietitian and counselor. He placed me at an incredible church, grew my relationship with Charles, and brought more freedom into my life than I knew was possible. 

If you go back to 2015 and read this blog when I first started, I think you can see it. This blog was my diary of sorts. it still is, but today God gives me the words from His word. I was a different person at 25... and certainly at 24, 23, and 22... than I am today at 28. The woman I was then was not in a place to get married. Today I am prepared and beyond excited to make this covenant with Charles. God has grown me in amazing ways.

For this growth to happen, I've had to let go. one of the biggest things I've had to let go of is my weight. Surrender my weight and that number, surrender my jean size, my food choices, my grocery list, my exercise routine, my innate tendency to be go go go. I've had to give up the things I held tightly to for so long and things I let define me in many ways.

I liked when people said, "You're so skinny," and "You could be a model" and "I wish I could look like you. What's your secret?"

My secret was a life-threatening eating disorder called anorexia.

I held those affirmations very closely. That was part of my identity.

But when Jesus enters your life, there's no room for double identities. To know who I am, I have to look to Him. This isn't something that happened overnight. This is years of God knocking on the door of my heart:

"Hey, Mags, I have better for you. This isn't you. I have a whole full life for you. But you've got to give me all of you."

Slowly, I gave Him pieces of my life. Leaving NYC and the active lifestyle that helped keep me at an artificially low weight, as well as an environment that rewarded that, was a huge step. Now, my recovery is the best it has ever been. I know the Lord has been building me up, and the only way I've begun to be the woman He's designed me to be is by gaining weight.

Weight restoration has brought life behind my eyes again. Weight restoration has cleared my brain fog and provided clarity in my thoughts. Weight restoration has given me confidence, self-esteem, and empowerment. Weight restoration has brought joy to my life. It has prepared me to be a wife to Charles—to serve him and serve God, not be mastered by the eating disorder. Weight restoration is setting me up to hopefully have a baby and be a mom one day.

So today I'm not losing weight for my wedding. I'm restoring it. I'm putting on any of the weight I was always designed by God to have. I'm continuing to push forward in my recovery even when the world is telling me to to do the opposite. And it's tough! But I know He didn't create me to be obsessed with my body, my plate, my wardrobe. He created me for far greater things than that. My pride pales in comparison to the beauty God has in store.

I believe I would never have experienced this abundant life without saying to God,

"Okay, Lord. You can have this. Take the weight, take my body, my life. I'm Yours. If an abundant life means 5, 10, 20, or however many more pounds, then, God that's what I want."

When I stand next to Charles and before Christ on our wedding day, I will praise Him for the eternal life we have in Him. We have a great hope and a future that's secure—that has nothing to do with my body size or shape.

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.