Take Heart, Daughter

I've been in a Bible study led by Kristi McClelland for the past 7 weeks on Jesus and women, in the first century and now. My mind has been blown more times than I can count. Reading the Bible in the context in which it was written is life-changing. One lesson—and one passage—has really resonated with me in particular. And when my pastor Robby Gallaty preached on the same message this Sunday, I knew I had to share with y'all.

“But for you who fear my name, the sun of righteousness shall rise with healing in its wing.”

— Malachi 4:2

I've read and heard this verse many times, but I never knew the true meaning until about a month ago. I always pictured this as God offering protection and shelter under His wings like momma bird to its baby. It's a beautiful picture, but it's not the full picture.

Malachi is the final book of the Old Testament. This is one of the last things God says to the prophets before the 400-year intertestamental period.

400 years before Jesus comes on the scene, and God says "the sun of righteousness"—the Messiah—will have healing in its wing. 

To understand what this means, we have to look to the original Hebrew translation. When Jesus spoke, He made sure He could be understood by everyone. Understanding the culture helps us understand the meaning. Well, rabbis in the first century (and many today) wore a prayer shawl called a "tallit." The shawl has tassels on its ends. The corner and end of the tallit is known as "kanaph." Guess what "kanaph" is translated as? That's right: wing.

Jesus, a rabbi, wore a tallit, which had a kanaph. And God told His people 400 years before He sent His son to earth that the Messiah would have healing in its wing. But God doesn't leave the story there.

The first chapter of the New Testament (right after Malachi) is Matthew. Look at Matthew 9. A woman who has been suffering from bleeding for 12 years, isolated and cast out, approaches Jesus as He walks through town. She reaches out to His WING and is immediately healed.

“And behold, a woman who had suffered from a discharge of blood for twelve years came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, for she said to herself, ‘If I only touch his garment, I will be made well.’ Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, ‘Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well.’ And instantly the woman was made well.”

This woman knew her Bible. She loved the Lord, and she reached out to Jesus. When I learned the truth of this story, I cried. I cried because it's not just a Biblical story -- it's a story that still happens today. This is my story. God healed me from anxiety, an eating disorder, depression, guilt, shame. Because He is my helper, I rejoice in the shadow of His wing. (Psalm 63:7)

He saved me like He saved the bleeding woman, and He offers that grace and mercy to every single one of you. 

Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well. 

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.

How I Knew We Were Going to Get Married

Since getting engaged, I’ve had a lot of friends ask me how I knew Charles was “the one.” To be clear: I hate the term “the one.” I don’t believe in it, and I don’t think it’s biblically accurate.

I definitely believe God planned Charles and I to meet, and He is the sole reason we will soon be husband and wife. But to me, “the one” makes it seem like we all have one shot at love in our lives. If we miss it, oops. Too bad. I don’t think that’s true, especially for people who lose their spouse and then re-marry.

Even without the term “the one,” I know for certain God designed man and woman for monogamy. From Genesis, we see God created man and women in His image and gave us marriage as a gift between man and woman. He created man and woman to come together as one flesh in the covenant of marriage.

“So God created man in His own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female He created them.”

— Genesis 1:27

And I know without a shadow of a doubt that Charles is the absolute best man for me. He has all the qualities I desired in a future husband, and I know God prepared his heart for me while simultaneously preparing my heart for him. Charles is my teammate, my biggest cheerleader, my confidant, my best friend.

So how did I know this? How did I reach a place of confidence in him and in our relationship?

It was not love at first sight for Charles and me. We were both instantly attracted to each other and wanted to know more about each other, but I did not have immediate confirmation that he was the man I was going to marry. No spotlight shown down on him; God’s voice didn’t come over me, telling me he was my future husband. Our love grew slowly, and the Lord provided continued affirmation over time to both of us.

Early on in our relationship, Charles suggested we read The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller.

Me: “You do know the expectation this is setting, right?”

Charles: “Yes, that’s why I want to read it.”

Me: Well, okay then; let’s do it!

Charles was intentional with me from the very beginning and clear about his desire for a relationship leading to marriage.

These five specific qualities helped me know that Charles is the man God has for me:

1. He prays for me.

Charles prays for me, and he asks how he can be praying for me. He’s quick to send me a Bible verse and word of encouragement when I need it. One of the big reasons God brought Charles to me is because of the way he has helped me in my recovery. He speaks Truth into my life. He’s also constantly sharing with me what he’s learning from the Word and what God is teaching him.

2. He prays with me.

Also important: Charles prays with me. We try to end each phone conversation by praying together. This doesn’t always happen, and we both understand there are situations (like when one of us is driving or when we’re out and about) that make this more difficult. But knowing my soon-to-be husband values praying with me is the greatest gift. Sometimes we as a culture treat prayer like a last resort. But prayer moves our hearts. Prayer allows us to be in tune with the heart of God. Prayer reminds us that nothing is impossible for the Lord. Friends, date a man who prays.

3. He makes me laugh.

We are both quirky and goofy. We share the same sense of humor. Charles made me laugh on our first date and has kept me laughing since. ( I also know there are times when this blog has made him laugh out loud, hehe.) He helps me relax when my anxiety kicks in, and I’m just so darn happy to grow old with a man who keeps me smiling.

4. He loves Jesus more than he loves me.

This is so, so important. Charles loves me, yes. He loves me most than any other human on this planet. But he loves Jesus more than he loves me. That may seem counterintuitive—shouldn’t I want my husband to love me the most? In short, no. I prayed for a husband who would put Jesus above me, and that is what Charles does. If Charles loved me more than he loved Christ, then I would become an idol. I would become his everything, and our marriage would be held to an impossible standard. Imagine if Charles loved me above Christ and then I disappoint him (which I have). The disappointment would be devastating, maybe even crippling. For our marriage to not only survive but to really thrive, we both need to put our love of the Father first. He is our primary devotion; our love for each other comes just below it.

““At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’ This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”

— Genesis 2:23-24

5. I see who God is making him, and I want to be a part of that process.

In The Meaning of Marriage, Tim Keller writes:

“Within this Christian vision of marriage, here's what it means to fall in love. It is to look at another person and get a glimpse of what God is creating, and to say, "I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to his throne. And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, 'I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you!”

THAT. That is exactly how I feel about Charles. That is how I knew I wanted to marry him. In the two years we’ve been dating, I’ve watched him grow more and more into the man God has created him to be. It’s the most exciting part of this whole journey, and I cannot wait to see all He will do in Charles’ life—and ours together—in the years to come.

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.

Get Up and Walk

Now Peter and John were going up together to the temple complex at the hour of prayer at three in the afternoon. And a man who was lame from birth was carried there and placed every day at the temple gate called Beautiful, so he could beg from those entering the temple complex. When he saw Peter and John about to enter the temple complex, he asked for help. Peter, along with John, looked at him intently and said, “Look at us.” So he turned to them, expecting to get something from them. But Peter said, “I don’t have silver or gold, but what I have I give you: In the name of Jesus Christ the Nazarene, get up and walk!”

Then, taking him by the right hand he raised him up, and at once his feet and ankles became strong. So he jumped up, stood, and started to walk, and he entered the temple complex with them — walking, leaping, and praising God. All the people saw him walking and praising God, and they recognized that he was the one who used to sit and beg at the Beautiful Gate of the temple complex. So they were filled with awe and astonishment at what had happened to him. — Acts 3:1-10

Faith in the name of Jesus changes lives.

As I read Acts 3 this week, I was struck by this passage about a man who’s healed. He’s not only healed, but he becomes strong. He has spent his entire life disabled, begging at the gates of the temple. That’s when Peter and John come across him. It’s after the resurrection of Jesus, and they’re traveling around Jerusalem to preach the Good News.

They find this man, and he turns to them—expecting money, food, or something material. But he receives a gift beyond a small token. He receives complete healing. This man is restored!

I don’t know about you, but when I read that, I get chills. 

Peter tells this man, in the name of Jesus, to get up and walk. And there’s an exclamation point at the end of the sentence. This isn’t some passive suggestion that the man stretch out his legs and try taking a gentle stroll. No. This is a command to rise up and boldly walk in full strength. 

I know this man’s story firsthand because it’s like my story. I am in the best place mentally, emotionally, and physically than I have been in a long time. Actually, ever. I praise God for that. While, yes, I’ve been in counseling, and I’ve prioritized my health, these are not the reasons for my recovery from my eating disorder. Recovery without Christ is empty. He’s the one who has brought healing into my life. 

He’s making me more like Him with each passing day. My biggest prayer as of late is that I would know Him more. That I would love Him more and walk out the calling He’s given me.

Because, as believers in Jesus, we are free, even if we don’t experience the fullness of that freedom on this side of heaven. We get to experience sanctification—being refined and becoming more and more like Jesus with each passing day. We might not have perfect health or happiness here on earth, but we can trust that God is restoring us until we meet Him in heaven. 

While I’m in the best place recovery-wise that I’ve ever been, I’ve also been experiencing a lot of digestive stress and discomfort the past few months. I’m working with doctors to find some relief, and it is getting better. The more I shift focus off of myself, the better I actually feel. Intense nausea, acid reflux, bloating, stomach pain—these symptoms all serve as reminders that I cannot control everything, as much as I may try.

Surely you know someone in your life who was diagnosed with an illness out of the blue. It makes no sense. We can’t understand the why. And sometimes we’re not going to. The thing is: God is still faithful. He is still good. God can heal and does heal every single day. Nothing is impossible with God (Luke 1:37). No matter how much we manipulate, plan, and hyper-organize our lives, we are not in control.

What we are in control of is our response to God’s call.

He has true power and might. He is sovereign. He sees our pain, our suffering, and our frustrations. Guess what? He knows what all of that feels like. 

Charles and I been talking a lot lately about how Jesus is both fully God and fully man. We've been reading the books of Mark and John, where Jesus walked on Earth leading up to His death and resurrection. We’re struck by Jesus' utter humanness. He was perfect. He was without sin. He was and IS God. 

But He also went through intense pain, hurt, and suffering. He experienced deep loneliness. He was separated from God the Father, and He was abandoned by many of the people He came to save here on earth. They put Him to death, a death He knew was coming. Yet He still loved the and still showed them his might power and grace.

In John 6, Jesus feeds the five thousand. You know the story: He miraculously makes five loaves of bread and two fish enough food to feed five thousand people, plus leftovers!

“‘I am the bread of life,’ Jesus told them. ‘No one who comes to me will ever be hungry, and no one who believes in me will ever be thirsty again. But as I told you, you’ve seen me, and yet you do not believe.’”

— John 6:35-36

He asks us to believe. Our belief informs our faith. We take His word as true. Jesus extends great hope and eternal life to His disciples, yet many desert Him:

“From that moment many of his disciples turned back and no longer accompanied him. So Jesus said to the Twelve, ‘You don’t want to go away too, do you?’”

— John 6:67

That "do you" coming from Jesus reminds me He felt the same things we do when we are lonely and afraid. He understands that pain. He was tempted in every way as we are—yet He is perfect. He emphasizes with us and our weaknesses in a way  no one else can. No matter how alone we feel, we are never alone with Jesus. No matter how much pain or suffering you experience, you’re never out of God’s grasp. 

He can heal any illness—mental, physical, emotional, spiritual—in an instant. We need to believe it.

Even if we don’t find full healing right here, right now, we can trust in His full restoration in His kingdom. He’s the bread of life, providing everything we need and then some. He’s given us a holy calling to live out regardless of circumstance. He’s given us strength and courage. 

He commands us to get up and walk! Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, sharing our testimonies about Jesus to others. Testimony means “do it again.” I want to trust in Jesus to do what He did in Acts 5 and John 6 again and again and again. He’s so much greater than we can comprehend, and His will will be done.

To Be Known and Loved

I was listening to Annie Downs’ podcast yesterday as she interviewed comedian John Crist. They shared plenty of jokes, but they also talked about the hard stuff. Singleness as Christians in their 30s. Going through therapy and taking time away to deal with burnout. And then they discussed this idea that we as humans all want to be known and loved.

They’re right.

We all, at our core, want to be fully known and fully loved.

We want others to see us and to pay attention to us. But that’s not enough. We want to be loved, deeply and intimately. We want people to experience the comfort and assurance of being completely loved and completely known.

Both Annie and John are relatively famous. They laughed about people wanting to date them, thinking they really know them because they follow them on social media or have watched their videos. And then John said something that hit me pretty hard:

"Remember back in the day on Instagram when you had 9 likes and it would list everyone's name? And then when you got to 10, it would just say 10 likes? It was like, that was it. That was like, oh yeah we got a good one. Then it became 100, then it became 1000 and 10,000... I'm doing the same thing that my little nephew is doing that Kim Kardashian is doing... I wonder what it would be like to get 2 million likes. I bet that feels way better. No, it doesn't. It feels just the same… The 10 to 12 likes is probably better. The first one was probably better... Everyone is convinced that the next place to get is it."

He said how the best comedy show he ever did wasn’t the sold-out arena of 15,000 people. It was the 15 family members gathered around the table for Thanksgiving dinner.

Well, that hit me like a ton of bricks.

I’m looking at my goals for 2018 — write more blog posts, do more freelance work, get my writing out there — and I’m thinking I haven’t really met any of them. We’re a full quarter in, and even with my beautiful Powersheets planner, I’m still not sure I’m working toward those goals.  

I haven’t blogged in a month. Yes, part of that is because of time. My job is much busier now, I’m commuting every day, and I’m planning our wedding. Yet at the same time, I’ve managed to power through countless episodes of Friends and snooze my alarm clock more times than not.

My issue isn’t lack of time or busyness. My issue is fear. 

I fear no one will read this. I see the numbers on my analytics going down and down, and then I think, What’s the point? I fear my words won’t resonate. I fear I’ll keep writing in this little space, going along doing my thing and that my words will never get out to a greater audience. 

The fear is crippling. The fear prevents me from using my God-given gift to share His truth. God didn’t ask me to speak to a million people or to have 10,000 followers on Instagram. God asked me to use my gift and to be obedient to the call He has placed on my life as a writer. 

He wants me to show up to the people who are already here. Show up for the people He’s placed in my life. Keep writing. Keep using this gift.

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” - Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

When I’m not writing, I feel like I’m in a slump. You know how people who are extroverts say they become energized by being around people? And introverts say they gain energy by being alone? That’s how it is for me with writing. Writing allows me to be more in tune with God. Writing reminds me of my identity in Christ. When I’m writing, I never feel like I should be doing something else — because I know this is what I’m supposed to do.

And then I remember that God fully knows me and fully loves me. He knows me in all my sin, all my brokenness, and all my mess. He sees the anxiety, the eating disorder, the guilt, and the shame. Still, He loves me in a way no one else ever can. Not my husband, not my blog readers, not my Instagram followers. No one else can love the way He loves.

Read Psalm 139. You’ve probably heard these words before. We women especially love to proclaim this psalm as an affirmation about ourselves. Except it’s not about us; it’s about God. Author and Bible study teacher Jen Wilkin challenged all of us at a women’s event last month to read this psalm with an emphasis on Lord, God, and You each time we read it. Go ahead:

“O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.”

— Psalm 139:1-12

This psalm isn’t about us. It’s about God. He loves me completely, and He knows me better than I know myself. This is a reckless love! This is the Good Shepherd deeming each and every one of his sheep beloved. Fear has no place among this kind of love.

If you feel alone and like no one understands you, know that God does. Look to His Word. Psalm 139, Genesis 2, Galatians 4:4-7. When you accept Christ and believe in Him, your identity is no longer tethered to things of this world. Your identity stems from Christ. 

Knowing my true identity frees me up to write this blog. I can write without fear. I can write and not worry whether people will read it. I can write with the deep comfort that I am already loved and known, no matter how many people “like” this blog on social media. 

When you recognize you are fully known and loved in Christ, you can let go of your desire for more followers and more likes. You can surrender your prayer for a husband. You can loosen your grip on your career and your finances. You can quit playing the comparison game.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

— 1 John 4:18

You can finally rest easy in the arms of a Father who loves you in the most intimate way imaginable.