With Us in the Wilderness

My sister-in-law and I have been studying Numbers using Lauren Chandler’s With Us in the Wilderness book. And it has been so good. Numbers is the kind of book that I would read through quickly, missing much of the meaning and having a hard time focusing on. But Chandler has connected so many dots for us throughout Scripture, and we’re only halfway through the study. 

One of my favorite passages in the Bible is Numbers 6:24-26. This was actually read as a blessing at our wedding, and this year I decided to memorize it. I love praying this over my son (and he especially loves the Elevation Worship song based on it!)

Even if you haven’t read the book of Numbers before (I hadn’t), you’re likely familiar with these verses. For context, during the book of Exodus, God delivers His people out of Egypt after sending 10 plagues and parting the Red Sea. Now, the Israelites are in the wilderness, where they will spend 40 years before entering the Promised Land. During this part of Numbers, the people are restless. They are tired of wandering and impatient for God’s promise. The Lord gives Aaron (a priest and brother of Moses) this blessing for His people.

“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”

— Numbers 6:24-26

This is an incredible blessing from God. He extends it to each and every one of His children, and it still applies even when we’re walking through our own wilderness. Jesus Himself went through the wilderness. For 40 days, He was tempted by Satan, and He relied on the Father to deliver Him.

In her study book, Chandler writes:

“The Lord ‘blesses people by giving them children, property, land, good health, and his presence (Gen. 17:16; 22:17f; Lev 26:3-13; Deut. 28:2-14).’ The Lord ‘keeps’ His people by guarding and protecting them. For God to ‘shine his face’ on them is to liken Him to the favor and grace sunshine brings… The peace that is mentioned here is the Hebrew word shalom. It isn’t just peace in wartime, but wholeness and well-being. It is the ‘sum total of all God’s good gifts to his people.’”

Through Jesus, we get to have this total peace—both with God and with others. When we accept Christ as our Lord and Savior, we get to experience the sum total of all God’s good gifts to His people. Wow. That is the truth that I desperately need to cling to when times are hard.

If you are in the middle of your own wilderness right now, know that you are not alone. God sees you, and He continually offers deliverance. I’m so grateful for that.

What are you studying in the Word right now? Does your Bible study or quiet time look different because of the pandemic? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.

Dear Future Daughter, Part Two

Five years ago, I was living in New York City and figuring out my newfound faith and zeal for the Lord. Five years ago, I was two months into dating my husband and had no idea what the future would hold. Five years ago, I wrote a letter on this blog to my future daughter.

Today I’m resharing that heartfelt letter because the dream of a daughter is no longer some far-off, maybe thing. It’s a God-given reality. We’re having baby number two this summer—a girl.

I still can’t quite believe it. I was completely convinced we were having another baby boy, and that I would always be a boy mom. I was looking forward to (even more) baseballs and fire trucks and playing in the dirt. But God surprised me with this good and perfect gift, and I’m praying now that our son and daughter would be the best of friends—running the race toward Him together.

All glory be to God!

---

Dear daughter,

Today is May 11, 2016. I’m sipping my tea, writing to you from my desk in New York City. Yes, The Big Apple; I’ve lived here for three and a half years now. I am 26 years old. I’m not engaged or married, but I write this letter looking toward a future with you in it.

I don’t know when or where I am going to meet you. I don’t know when I’m going to give this to you. What I do know are a few things to be true about you. Things that will never change, no matter the circumstances.

You are, quite simply, a gift.

You make me happier than I ever thought could be. I wondered about you for years and years. Now you’re here, and I don’t know how I lived my life without you.

I spent a long time—too much time—wrestling with fear and doubt, with voices in my head that made me feel unworthy. I listened to those statements. I heard lies that I wasn’t worthy because I wasn’t enough—successful enough, smart enough, pretty enough, good enough. I had my heart broken and discarded. I felt alone, and I didn’t love the woman I was.

“The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.”

— 2 Peter 3:9

That season of my life was difficult, painful, sad. It included many ups and downs. I didn’t know how I’d make it out of the darkness. A family of my own seemed like such a silly desire when I couldn’t seem to take care of myself. I wasn’t sure if I would ever have you. So I put that dream on a shelf, tucked away and collecting dust without much hope for a future.

But I want to tell you today that that season ended. The cold, dark winter melted away, and the world felt a little more like springtime. I began to blossom. I began to hope. I found faith in a God who never really left me, who continually called me back to Him. He watched over me all those years; He was writing my story in the most beautiful way. He gave me a new life that I might one day share that life with you.

Soon enough, the darkness dissipated, the depression diminished, and my anxieties started to fade. The Light of Christ came in, slowly but surely illuminating my world once again.

And I took that dream off the shelf.

I dreamt of you, daughter. I dreamt of your big, bright eyes; your curly hair; your sweet smile and infectious laugh. I dreamt of your tender heart, your wisdom beyond your years, and your generous spirit. I dreamt of the radiant beauty that stemmed from deep down in your soul.

“Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.””

— John 14:6

I dreamt of how I would speak to you, teach you, care for you. The more I dreamt of you, the more I began to love myself. Because dreaming of you helped me think of the woman I was designed to be: wholehearted and full of grace. I thought about how I would care for you and point you back to the Father. I will never lie to you, or say that you are unworthy. I will never tell you that you need to be smarter, be prettier, be better, be more. I can promise you that. So why would I listen to those lies myself? Dreaming of you meant I started talking back to the lies, answering them with truth. I filled the space with God and with you.

I dreamt that you, too, would stand firmly in the Light.

I know there will be times when you experience your own hardship on this earth. The world might try to hurt you. It might even try to break you down. You’re going to fall and feel weak. You’re going to fail. But when you accept Christ, you have steadfast strength and courage within you. That’s the Holy Spirit.

Stand firm in who you are. Remember the things that really matter in this life. Remember that your identity is secure in our great God. Set your heart on all that sheds light.

“For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.””

— Romans 10:13

Your dad and I cherish you more than anything. We praise God for your existence. We know you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139). You are lovely in all your imperfections. You are gifted uniquely and with great purpose—nothing about you is a mistake. From your head to your toes, you are created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).

We are here for you no matter what. You encourage us and make us better people just by being you. I’m so honored to call you mine. I admire you and look at you with more joy than I ever knew possible.

I want you to know one more truth, daughter: Christ’s perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18). He loves us so deeply—so flawlessly—that He enables us to love you in return. I strive to reflect His love to you each day so that you, too, know He’s calling you into His arms, guiding you and protecting you every step of the way.

I love you, sweet girl.

Mom

Lessons Learned

This past weekend, we went on a snowy, winter hike. It was a short, relatively easy one mile to the top, where a beautiful, icy glacier awaited us. We’d done this hike a few times before but always during the summer. We all dressed in warm clothes and boots, and we set off excitedly on our journey.

We took some incredible photos, like the one above. It looks like a winter wonderland, right? And in the photo I shared on Instagram where you see our faces, we look super happy.

What our beautiful photos don’t show you is that we ended up being pretty unprepared for the frigid temps and strong winds that met us at the top. My husband and I both forgot our gloves. (Oof.) Even though our son had on his warmest mittens, coat, boots, and hat, he still looked pretty darn cold and windburned halfway through the hike. Right before we headed back down, I started to feel anxious and worried for him. And unfortunately, I took my frustration and fear out on my husband by yelling at him. Never the way to go. Our son started screaming and crying.

His crying picked up as we began our descent. And it was the awful, sad, high-pitched kind of cry that comes with lots of tears and a very runny nose. It hurts my heart just thinking about it.

Charles took him out of the hiking backpack to instead hold him close. He used his bare hands to warm our little guy’s face, while going as fast as he could down the hill. Twenty minutes later, we’re back at our car, all trying to warm up and calm down. Our son was still screaming, and Charles’ hands hurt so bad, I thought he had frostbite.

The next thing we know, the car starts blasting air instead of heat—and then it shuts off completely.

Well, THANK THE LORD my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and three of her kids were with us. They took a separate car, so praise God we could all pile in their vehicle to stay warm. At this point, Charles realized our car wouldn’t start because it was out of gas. We were stuck. Cue another angry outburst from me. Yikes.

My angel sister-in-law drove us all a half hour to the nearest town, where we picked up a tank of gas. And then she drove us all back up that mountain so Charles could fill our car. Did I mention she is an angel? 😊

After a few unsuccessful starts, and more shivering in the freezing temps, Charles was able to fill up our tank with those two precious gallons of gas. It was just enough to let us coast down the mountain into the nearest town to fill up with a full tank. After that, we all headed safely back to my sister-in-law’s for a delicious homemade dinner and cozy night in.

It was a crazy afternoon, one that taught me a few valuable lessons I want to share with you here:

1. Never let your gas tank get below half a tank during the winter, especially if you’re traveling at higher altitudes.

2. Always keep an emergency kit in your car.

3. What you see on social media is almost always a highlight reel. We took some beautiful photos on our hike. But like I said when I shared a picture on my Instagram, a photo only depicts a small snippet of a story. Social media is a platform where most of us, most of the time, show off our very best selves. Remember that whenever you’re tempted to compare yourself to someone else. You never know what their full story might be.

4. My attitude as a mom has the ability to affect my entire family. This goes for every one of us moms, and I would argue for anyone helping lead a family. I remember reading this in a motherhood book, and this weekend I learned it is so, so true. My temperature affects my husband’s and my children’s. I want to be a mom who parents with joy and who trusts in the Lord as much and as often as I humanly can.

5. Last but certainly not least: Despite my turbulent emotions, God is always stable. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). When I’m fearful, when I’m anxious, when I’m angry, when I’m out of gas—God is my rock (Isaiah 44:8). He is my anchor (Hebrews 6:19). He’s the only One I can tether myself to for true protection, provision, and peace. He is the Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6). Thank you, Lord!

“Do not tremble, do not be afraid. Did I not proclaim this and foretell it long ago? You are my witnesses. Is there any God besides me? No, there is no other Rock; I know not one.”

— Isaiah 44:8

From the Archives: Called and Qualified

Today I’m sharing a post from March 2019. Looking back on my journals and my God stories reminds me of His total faithfulness, particularly in seasons of doubt and fear. I hope this content blesses you today!

Today I am 37 weeks pregnant. Baby boy is about six pounds, the size of a honeydew melon, and it’s virtually impossible for me to think about anything other than him. I am working full-time, but whenever I have a free second, I am thinking about him. What will he look like? What will he smell like? How will he sleep? Will he be blonde or brunette (or have no hair at all)? What kind of boy will he grow into? What kind of mom and dad will we be?

I’m not afraid of being a mom—I’m beyond excited and know God has been preparing me for this for months. But the whole birthing process is still quite scary and overwhelming for me. I wrote early this year about my fear and how I experienced an anxiety attack around Christmas time. I truly think that panic was God's way of waking me up to challenge this fear.

A couple days ago, I said to my husband that I've been fearful my whole life. As long as I can remember, even as a child, I've had fear. Fear of giving a presentation at school, fear of the big test, fear of roller coasters, fear of sleepover parties, fear of being left out during a slow song at the school dance. And eventually fear of not being perfect and not measuring up to my own unreasonable standards, which contributed to my struggle with anorexia.

The fear has been with me. I know I must have had moments during my childhood where I confidently pursued my dreams and didn't think twice about doing so. A childlike faith, courage, and innocence. I don't believe we are born feeling fearful, but I can't pinpoint a time when fear first crept into my life. It doesn't make sense. My family always loved me and encouraged me. Life was good. So why did fear still overwhelm me? Why was fear this continual thread in my life?

The day after I shared this with my husband, I thought, Well, wait a minute. I've also done a bunch of things in my life that I was initially afraid to do.

In the eighth grade, I tried out for my school’s play for the first time, and I ended up being cast as Dorothy in our production of The Wizard of Oz. Terrifying yet so fun.

I took a trip abroad with my Spanish class the summer before my senior year of college. I cried in the car on the way to the airport because I was already homesick, but 10 days later, I was having so much fun that didn't want to come home.

I decided to go to college six hours away from my family, at a school where I knew no one.

And then I recognized when I needed help, needed to leave college, and needed to get treatment for my eating disorder. One of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.

Post-college, I moved to a Pennsylvania town of 10,000 for a magazine internship. It was there God gave me a newfound interest for his Word and Biblical community.

I moved to New York City to pursue a career in journalism and ultimately pursued a relationship with Jesus. In 2015, I was baptized and shared my testimony as an adult with my church.

Sensing a new call on my life from God, I relocated to Nashville for the man I love and a job in full-time ministry—even though I had only been to Nashville once before and never worked in ministry.

And I started this blog, sharing my story and trusting that’s what God wants me to do.

I thought of all these experiences, and I saw God's faithfulness. Anytime I felt afraid and unsure, God was there for me.

I also remembered the countless men and women throughout the Bible who God used when they felt inadequate. He turned to people who seemed totally unqualified by cultural standards: Moses, Joseph, Daniel, Mary, the bleeding woman, Matthew, Peter. I read a quote somewhere about these men and women of the Bible that rang so true for me: God doesn't call the qualified; He qualifies the called.

“Then Moses said to the LORD, “O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither before nor since You have spoken to Your servant; but I am slow of speech and slow of tongue.””

— Exodus 4:10

“But he said, “O my Lord, please send by the hand of whomever else You may send.””

— Exodus 4:13

Moses repeatedly told the Lord to choose someone else to lead the Israelites to the Promised Land, and God kept reminding Moses that he was made for the journey.

Then we have Joseph—a young man sold into slavery by his brothers. He is wrongfully put in prison but eventually becomes ruler of Egypt—and his line of descendants leads to our Messiah, Jesus. Joseph is an unlikely hero. He looked completely unfit to rule Egypt or bring glory to God, but that’s exactly what he did. God qualified him. God didn’t care about how he looked socially or culturally; He cared about Joseph’s heart.

Stories of redemption like this are scattered all over the Bible.

Perhaps the most well-known is that of Mary, the 15-year-old girl chosen by the Father to be Jesus’ mother. She has a choice in the matter, and she boldly steps forward in obedience. Look at what happens in Luke 1 when the angel of the Lord visits her:

“The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.”

Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.”

“How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?”

The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be unable to conceive is in her sixth month. For no word from God will ever fail.”

“I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her.”

Mary is greatly troubled. Can you imagine what she felt learning this news? This was not 2019; this was a time when Mary could have been disowned for a child born outside of marriage. Not to mention, she’s only 15 years old. Yet she steps forward in faith. She trusts God, and she doesn’t let fear hold her back.

One of my favorite biblical stories is that of Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego in the book of Daniel. These boys refuse to worship the king of Babylon, and in doing so, are sent to the fiery furnace to burn alive. Daniel 6 describes how the furnace is so hot that the soldiers who brought these boys to it immediately die. Except the boys don’t die when thrown into the fire. They walk around in the fire with God at their side.

““Look! I see four men, not tied, walking around in the fire unharmed; and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.””

— Daniel 3:25b

They risked their lives in order to serve God, and they are delivered from the fire. What stands out the most to me in this story is how God not only rescues them, but He walks with them through the trial. This is truth that I need to cling to. I need to remember this on a daily basis. God walks with us through fear, anxiety, pain, and suffering. He is still good, no matter what we are feeling or experiencing.

So does birth scare me? Yes.

Will it be worth it? A million times yes.

This is God’s plan for me, and He will be there with me through every second of labor and delivery. He’s called me, and He will qualify me.

I'll get to meet my son. I'll have the gift of becoming a momma, something I don't ever want to take for granted. I picture holding him on my chest moments after he takes his first breath in this world. His dad and I snuggling him with overwhelming thanksgiving for this good and perfect gift.