To Be Known and Loved

I was listening to Annie Downs’ podcast yesterday as she interviewed comedian John Crist. They shared plenty of jokes, but they also talked about the hard stuff. Singleness as Christians in their 30s. Going through therapy and taking time away to deal with burnout. And then they discussed this idea that we as humans all want to be known and loved.

They’re right.

We all, at our core, want to be fully known and fully loved.

We want others to see us and to pay attention to us. But that’s not enough. We want to be loved, deeply and intimately. We want people to experience the comfort and assurance of being completely loved and completely known.

Both Annie and John are relatively famous. They laughed about people wanting to date them, thinking they really know them because they follow them on social media or have watched their videos. And then John said something that hit me pretty hard:

"Remember back in the day on Instagram when you had 9 likes and it would list everyone's name? And then when you got to 10, it would just say 10 likes? It was like, that was it. That was like, oh yeah we got a good one. Then it became 100, then it became 1000 and 10,000... I'm doing the same thing that my little nephew is doing that Kim Kardashian is doing... I wonder what it would be like to get 2 million likes. I bet that feels way better. No, it doesn't. It feels just the same… The 10 to 12 likes is probably better. The first one was probably better... Everyone is convinced that the next place to get is it."

He said how the best comedy show he ever did wasn’t the sold-out arena of 15,000 people. It was the 15 family members gathered around the table for Thanksgiving dinner.

Well, that hit me like a ton of bricks.

I’m looking at my goals for 2018 — write more blog posts, do more freelance work, get my writing out there — and I’m thinking I haven’t really met any of them. We’re a full quarter in, and even with my beautiful Powersheets planner, I’m still not sure I’m working toward those goals.  

I haven’t blogged in a month. Yes, part of that is because of time. My job is much busier now, I’m commuting every day, and I’m planning our wedding. Yet at the same time, I’ve managed to power through countless episodes of Friends and snooze my alarm clock more times than not.

My issue isn’t lack of time or busyness. My issue is fear. 

I fear no one will read this. I see the numbers on my analytics going down and down, and then I think, What’s the point? I fear my words won’t resonate. I fear I’ll keep writing in this little space, going along doing my thing and that my words will never get out to a greater audience. 

The fear is crippling. The fear prevents me from using my God-given gift to share His truth. God didn’t ask me to speak to a million people or to have 10,000 followers on Instagram. God asked me to use my gift and to be obedient to the call He has placed on my life as a writer. 

He wants me to show up to the people who are already here. Show up for the people He’s placed in my life. Keep writing. Keep using this gift.

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” - Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

When I’m not writing, I feel like I’m in a slump. You know how people who are extroverts say they become energized by being around people? And introverts say they gain energy by being alone? That’s how it is for me with writing. Writing allows me to be more in tune with God. Writing reminds me of my identity in Christ. When I’m writing, I never feel like I should be doing something else — because I know this is what I’m supposed to do.

And then I remember that God fully knows me and fully loves me. He knows me in all my sin, all my brokenness, and all my mess. He sees the anxiety, the eating disorder, the guilt, and the shame. Still, He loves me in a way no one else ever can. Not my husband, not my blog readers, not my Instagram followers. No one else can love the way He loves.

Read Psalm 139. You’ve probably heard these words before. We women especially love to proclaim this psalm as an affirmation about ourselves. Except it’s not about us; it’s about God. Author and Bible study teacher Jen Wilkin challenged all of us at a women’s event last month to read this psalm with an emphasis on Lord, God, and You each time we read it. Go ahead:

“O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.”

— Psalm 139:1-12

This psalm isn’t about us. It’s about God. He loves me completely, and He knows me better than I know myself. This is a reckless love! This is the Good Shepherd deeming each and every one of his sheep beloved. Fear has no place among this kind of love.

If you feel alone and like no one understands you, know that God does. Look to His Word. Psalm 139, Genesis 2, Galatians 4:4-7. When you accept Christ and believe in Him, your identity is no longer tethered to things of this world. Your identity stems from Christ. 

Knowing my true identity frees me up to write this blog. I can write without fear. I can write and not worry whether people will read it. I can write with the deep comfort that I am already loved and known, no matter how many people “like” this blog on social media. 

When you recognize you are fully known and loved in Christ, you can let go of your desire for more followers and more likes. You can surrender your prayer for a husband. You can loosen your grip on your career and your finances. You can quit playing the comparison game.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

— 1 John 4:18

You can finally rest easy in the arms of a Father who loves you in the most intimate way imaginable. 

Wrestling with God

When you become a Christian—when you turn away from your sins, when you believe in Jesus Christ as Savior, when you decide to live for Him—you're not offered a perfect life. You're not even offered a life of pure happiness. But you are offered an eternal life that makes this one completely pale in comparison. This eternal life with Jesus where there's no sin, no shame, no fear, no pain. No worry and anxiety. No health issues, no relational strife, no homelessness or poverty.

Every tear will be wiped away. 

Until we reach heaven with Christ, or until He comes again, we will experience suffering on this earth. We will have hurts. Becoming a believer doesn't mean you will make lots of money, have the perfect family you've always envisioned, kill it in your career, or never deal with mental or physical health problems. A lot of popular authors, speakers, and even ministers today would have you think that. But if we look to God's Word, we see that actually, becoming a believer frees us from all those things. It means we'll face hardship but can walk through it with Christ on our side. It means we have hope beyond the mess of this world. It means when things feel hopeless or out-of-control, we can know God has got this all. We can be assured that our life doesn't end when our heart stops beating because we know we're joining Jesus in His Kingdom for eternity.

Don't just take it from me; take it from God’s Word.

“I am the bread of life,” Jesus told them. “No one who comes to me will ever be hungry, and no one who believes in me will ever be thirsty again. But as I told you, you’ve seen me, and yet you do not believe. Everyone the Father gives me will come to me, and the one who comes to me I will never cast out. For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will, but the will of him who sent me. This is the will of him who sent me: that I should lose none of those he has given me but should raise them up on the last day. For this is the will of my Father: that everyone who sees the Son and believes in him will have eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day.”

— John 6:35-40

God wants all to believe in Him and have eternal life. 

As we go through life here on earth, we'll wrestle with God. There will be moments of doubt, confusion, distrust. There may be entire seasons of these feelings. 

And God may also use difficulties to draw you to Himself and to make you more like Christ.

I read Genesis 32 this past week, and it was as if I read it for the first time. A little background: Jacob, grandson of Abraham, son of Isaac, and father of Joseph, is preparing to meet his estranged brother, Esau. Jacob and his family are about to encounter Esau and his entire army. We're talking hundreds of men. Jacob has plenty of animals, but he's not at all ready for this. The night before he sees his brother, Jacob wrestles with God: 

Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. When the man saw that he could not defeat him, he struck Jacob’s hip socket as they wrestled and dislocated his hip. Then he said to Jacob, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.”

But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”

“What is your name?” the man asked.

“Jacob,” he replied.

“Your name will no longer be Jacob,” he said. “It will be Israel because you have struggled with God and with men and have prevailed.”

Then Jacob asked him, “Please tell me your name.”

But he answered, “Why do you ask my name?” And he blessed him there.

Jacob then named the place Peniel, “For I have seen God face to face,” he said, “yet my life has been spared.” The sun shone on him as he passed by Penuel—limping because of his hip. That is why, still today, the Israelites don’t eat the thigh muscle that is at the hip socket: because he struck Jacob’s hip socket at the thigh muscle.

The passage is mysterious, to say the least. The notes in my study bible say that we know the man is a messenger from God. If this man was able to dislocate Jacob's hip, he could have clearly defeated him at any point. Yet Jacob wrestled with him all night. Why? What was the point? Jacob wrestled, he struggled, and he went through strife. Sometimes that's what the Christian life looks like. We wrestle with God.

God does not want us to suffer. Let that be clear. God isn't sitting up on a cloud like Zeus, throwing lightning bolts down to strike us and knock us out. We know that God is good. He is faithful. And he works all things for His glory.

His glory, not ours.

Sometimes God allows us to suffer, and He allows us to wrestle with Him, so that He is ultimately glorified. So that we trust Him, serve Him wholeheartedly, and recognize that our true satisfaction is only found in Him. Wrestling with God reminds us of our need for Him and can prompt us to desire to be more like Him each day.

Take Jacob, for example. He walked away at daybreak, limping because of his hip. He was left with a physical reminder of his wrestling—he would forever be marked by that experience. 

As I read Jacob’s story, I thought about myself. I can relate to him; I know the pain of intense struggle. I’ve walked through mental illness and seasons of great darkness. And I know now that God used that time for His glory. God took that pain and that hurt, and He opened my eyes to who He is. Because of what I went through, I was marked by God. He saved me physically and spiritually, and He opened my eyes to what life looks like when you have a hope beyond this world. No, it isn’t perfect. But praise Jesus, as believers, we have the assurance of spending eternity in His Kingdom!

If you are wrestling, keep wrestling. Dig into the Word. Cry out to God. Let him search your heart!

Pray that He would help your unbelief. Keep running to the Lord. Ask Him to put on your heart the things that matter to Him. Pray for healing and restoration. He has got this, and He is working all things in your life to put His glory on display.

---

If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.

My Word of the Year

It's only January 21, but the new year has already ushered in a host of changes. I started a new job in a new industry in downtown Nashville, and (drumroll, please) we are engaged! Within one week, I accepted my new job offer, gave my notice at work, and Charles proposed. Needless to say, the Christmas season felt extra special with friends and family this year. 

I've taken the past few weeks to soak up our engagement and focus on being present. The blog has taken a back seat because of that, but I'm ready to post as regularly as I can in 2018. I love this little space, and I'm so grateful to each of you joining me on the journey. 

The Lord has been teaching me so much in the past few weeks. I picked up my very first Powersheets One-Year Intentional Goal Planner at the end of the year, and I've been excitedly walking through the prep work since then. I first heard about their creator and author Lara Casey from my sister. Lara is an amazing mom, wife, entrepreneur, and sweet Christian. And her Powersheets have always intrigued me because their focus is on cultivating what really matters, with practical action steps. 

She gave me the idea for a word of the year a few years ago. Last year I chose "rooted," and the Lord truly used that word throughout those 12 months. I wrote in my journal:

“God, I pray for depth this year. Fewer commitments, fewer things, and greater focus on you. Help me to grow deep rather than wide. You will guide me. I pray I listen and obey. Strengthen my relationship because we’re both going deeper with you. Help me to do good work at my job and on my blog because I am growing deeper in you. Let all I do be an outpouring of that depth; let it continually point back to you. I pray for deeper health, healing, courage, and freedom. Let the roots grow deep, Lord.

Rooted in you, watered daily with Scripture and prayer so that I may grow and blossom. Rooted in you, Father.”

He did absolutely that—He grew the roots deep and allowed me to blossom in Him. He grew my relationship with Charles, He grew my understanding and love of His word, and He grew my process of healing and restoration. 

As I've sat and really contemplated what my word might be in 2018, God has reminded me of His faithfulness. He's reminded me how very big He is and how very small I am. And how's that a very good thing. He's brought me back to the start, to Genesis, to show me how much He's weaving His story and our stories from beginning to end. 

One word has popped up over and over for me: 

steadfast (adj.)

(1) Firmly fixed in place: immovable.

(2) Firm in belief, determination, or adherence: loyal. 

Synonyms include: faithful, devoted, steady, true, firm, constant, unwavering.

I’m making my way through Genesis, and no story better illustrates steadfastness to me than that of Abraham and Sarah. God chose Abraham to be the father of all nations, whose offspring would number more than the stars in the sky. The only problem? Both Abraham and his wife, Sarah, were old and childless. In Genesis 18, the Lord says to them that He will return in a year’s time, and Sarah will have a son. Sarah actually laughs at God, knowing she’s way past childbearing age. God speaks to them quite boldly:

“Is anything impossible for the Lord? At the appointed time, I will come back to you, and in about a year, she will have a son.”

— Genesis 18:14

God had changed Abram’s name to Abraham, from “high father” to “father of a multitude.” He had changed Sarai’s name to Sarah, from “princess” to “mother of all nations.” You know when God changes someone’s name in the Bible, He’s about to do something big. He changes names because He changes hearts. He writes the story. He makes history.  

With Sarah and Abraham, God was faithful. He gave them a son, Isaac. He came back to Sarah exactly as He said He would and at the very time that He had set (Genesis 21).

God is firm, true, unwavering. He is constant, and He is loyal, even when we falter. No matter what our lives look like, God is there. No matter what changes we go through or ups and downs we face, He remains the same.

God is the very definition of steadfast.

He is not slow to fulfill His promises, but He works on His own timetable. He wants all to be saved. (2 Peter 3:9) The Christian Standard Bible translates this verse in a way that really stands out: “The Lord does not delay his promise, as some understand delay, but is patient with you, not wanting any to perish but all to come to repentance.”

God is patient, and His timing is always the best. I fail to believe this sometimes. I want to do things my way, according to my own schedule. What I want, when I want. For example, I felt a tug on my heart that He was going to send me out from my full-time ministry job into a secular environment. I prayed about that for 10 months in 2017 before receiving an offer and trusting it was what God had asked me to step into it. God is much bigger and greater than me.

Think of Abraham and Sarah: waiting on God’s perfect timing was absolutely worth it. They had to go through difficulties before Isaac was born. The same is true for us. I know 2018 will hold more changes. Suffering will happen. I can find hope knowing God is still the same.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

— James 1:2-4

I pray God cultivates steadfastness in me like His son, Jesus. This year, I pray my faith is resolutely firm. I want to be devoted to God no matter the situation or season. His love for us is unwavering—I want that kind of love for Him in return. I know I am prone to worry and anxiety. I like to be in control. But God, I give that to You. 

Lord, help me to stand firm in the faith. Guard me against sin and temptation and keep me focused on you. Give me steadfastness. Endurance for the fight and total surrender to the King.

That's the life I want to live in 2018: steadfast and true. 

The Reason for the Season

Christmas is almost here. As I drove up to Chicago yesterday, I had almost eight hours to myself, so I spent time listening to the Bible app and a sermon on Advent from The Village Church. It really helped me get into the mindset of Christmas and remember the true reason for the season.

If I'm honest, though, I haven't been as reflective this Advent as I wanted to be. I told myself when December hit that I'd do something special each day. I started the month listing to an Advent devotional, but doing so quickly faded away as the hustle and bustle of the season seemed to take over.

I have much to share in coming posts about all this month has held. But no matter what I’ve been up to or however distracted I may have felt, God is present. Christmas is His season. And without Jesus Christ, there is no Christmas.

This year, I’ve noticed more Christmas trees with stars on top, more Christmas cards for sale, more “Merry Christmas” greetings from sales clerks and toll booth operators and customer service folks over the phone. Have you noticed that, too? I think people—Americans on the whole—are ready for hope and revival. We are waiting for peace and joy, and the promise of our Savior come alive. We’re tired of the death, destruction, and rampant sin in this world. Whether we realize it or not, we need Jesus.

With Advent, we wait. We wait for the arrival of Christ, knowing that He has already come as a man, died as the spotless lamb, and risen for us so that we might have eternal life. During Advent, we remember what it was like for the world thousands of years ago, waiting on the hope of the Messiah—a baby born in a manger.

I’m blown away by how God orchestrated the birth of Jesus. He used Mary and Joseph, and He planned every detail of His coming. He used ordinary people with incredible obedience for His extraordinary purpose.

Do you stop to think God wants to do the same thing with us ordinary people today?

Most of us hate waiting. We’re almost always rushing toward something. (Maybe I’m only speaking for myself here.) Yet Scripture instructs us, both in the Old and New Testaments, to do that very thing: to wait.

“But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”

— Isaiah 40:31

We’re told to stay dependent on God, and He will honor our waiting. I’ve written before that waiting feels passive. Weak. Helpless. In fact, it’s the complete opposite. It’s one of the strongest and most courageous choices you can make.

Here’s the deal: We are all always waiting for something, whether it’s for a job or an apartment, for marriage or a baby. We will wait throughout our lives, ultimately waiting for the return of the kingdom or life beyond this one. Most of our life is waiting. Waiting means choosing to say every single day, Jesus is better.

Don’t forget: Our God is a Crock-Pot kind of guy. He’s not a microwave God. He is good and faithful. He fulfills His promises to us. But He works slowly—often much more slowly than we would like.

“Dear friends, don’t overlook this one fact: With the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like one day. The Lord does not delay his promise, as some understand delay, but is patient with you, not wanting any to perish but all to come to repentance.

But the day of the Lord will come like a thief; on that day the heavens will pass away with a loud noise, the elements will burn and be dissolved, and the earth and the works on it will be disclosed. Since all these things are to be dissolved in this way, it is clear what sort of people you should be in holy conduct and godliness as you wait for the day of God and hasten its coming. Because of that day, the heavens will be dissolved with fire and the elements will melt with heat. But based on his promise, we wait for new heavens and a new earth, where righteousness dwells.”

— 2 Peter 3:8-13

When you feel like God is moving slowly in your life, take heart. He does not delay His promise! His timing is perfect. He works in our waiting, and He is patient with us.

Advent reminds us of the beauty of waiting. God began telling His people about Jesus a full millennium and a half before His birth. God really was before all things, is in all things, and is the future of all things. He is making everything new, and His thread of redemption is woven throughout history.

The precious baby Jesus grew into the man who showed the world a new way, who died the death we deserve, and who rose again to offer redemption for all people! Christmas is the beginning of the story of Jesus, but Christmas continues with us. We wait in excited anticipation of His second coming or life eternal in the kingdom of heaven. We get to wait in the hope of the Gospel, knowing He is true and faithful. Thank you, Father, for sending Your Son! Thank you for preparing the way.

“Glory to God in the highest heaven, and peace on earth to people he favors!”

— Luke 2:14

---

If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.