We’ve been keeping a (little) secret the past few months.
We are having a baby boy!
He is the greatest surprise and blessing of our lives. My son. He is a total gift from God, and I have to remind myself almost daily, Yes this is real. He is real, and He is yours.
Do you remember this blog post I wrote in January about my word of the year, “steadfast”?
"I pray God cultivates steadfastness in me like His son, Jesus. This year, I pray my faith is resolutely firm. I want to be devoted to God no matter the situation or season. His love for us is unwavering—I want that kind of love for Him in return. I know I am prone to worry and anxiety. I like to be in control. But God, I give that to You.”
I wrote this thinking of our upcoming marriage, move to a new neighborhood and a new church, and of my recent job change. I asked for steadfastness through all the changes. As someone prone to worry and fear, I knew I would need to trust in the Lord and find my strength in Him with each change. So I asked for an unwavering, devoted faith.
Then in August, I checked in with you regarding that word, steadfast. I talked about how my emotions had been all over the place and how I felt like a hormonal teenager, prone to anger, impatience, and irritability. I asked God to help me walk with Him and to see my emotions as a vehicle that points to Him. For steadfast love of Christ in the midst of feeling like I wanted to run away and hide.
I wrote that post one week before we found out we are pregnant.
When I chose that word in January, I had no idea we would be expecting within a few weeks of getting married. Yet here I was, unexpectedly expectant.
God knew the whole time. He knew when I wrote that check-in blog post in August and when I chose that word in January—and way before then. He knows me better than I know myself. This baby was part of his plan all along.
Let me show you.
If you look up “steadfast” in Strong’s Hebrew Dictionary of the Bible, you’ll find this definition:
to nurse, nurture, care for; be a trustee, be a guardian; to be nurtured, cared for; to be faithful, to be trustworthy
Steadfast is how God loves us. He loves us so much that He sent His only son, Jesus, to die for us in the most horrible death that we deserve. He died in our place and rose again, so that by our belief (and belief alone!) we will be saved for eternal life with Him.
He loves us in a way that is unwavering, and He is always faithful. And God gave me that word steadfast because He knew I would be becoming a trustee and a guardian. That I, too, would need to nurse, nurture, and care for. That He would give me a son, a precious child created in His image long before I ever knew about him.
“All the paths of the LORD are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies.”
This baby is a miracle. We have no doubt about that.
I spent years of my life in a relationship with a terrible eating disorder. Years of my life in a relationship where there was no room for anyone else. Not a boyfriend, not a husband, and certainly not a baby. The eating disorder wreaked havoc on my life, and it took years of counseling and ultimately, true faith in Jesus Christ to finally experience healing. He saved me from my disorder, and He saved me for a life much greater than what I had been living.
With the eating disorder, I was underweight and didn’t have a period naturally for a very long time. From time to time, I would think about my fertility and wonder if I had completely messed up my body. Would I be able to have a child one day? Would I be able to experience pregnancy and childbirth? I honestly wasn’t sure.
Charles knew this during our dating and going into marriage. We both understood the possibility of my not being able to get pregnant, or with us unable to get pregnant for a long time. We have family members who have struggled with infertility, miscarriage, and babies born too soon. He and I are both completely open to adoption, and this was something we talked about early on in our relationship. The realities of pregnancy and childbirth were very clear to us, and we knew any baby given to us would be God’s gift.
What we didn’t know was that God would give us a son within a few weeks of our wedding day. For context, Charles and I didn’t sleep together before we got married. I don’t tell you this to be self-righteous; that was our decision because we knew that’s God’s clear desire for us as believers. I’m sharing this with you because our chances of getting pregnant when we did were relatively small. There were only so many days since our wedding night, if you know what I mean.
We weren’t actively “trying,” and I didn’t have it in my plan to get pregnant right away. For those first few weeks after finding out, I felt a mix of emotions. Thoroughly overjoyed and amazed, yet somewhat guilty that I was pregnant after watching friends and family members who kept trying over and over again, and those who experienced loss.
Why are we the ones who get a baby? Lord, how do I deserve this child?
Because God is God. He is so much greater than we are. He sees the full picture, while we see only a small snippet. He knows what is best, and He works all things according to His purpose for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)
I think the Lord knows I wrestle with anxiety and control, and He decided to take planning for a pregnancy off my plate.
Against all odds, He gave us a baby in His perfect plan, according to His perfect timing.
This tiny miracle is one we will never stop thanking our Father for. We will never stop praising God and sharing the reason our son exists. He’s a precious image-bearer, and we pray he will grow up strong and healthy, loving the Lord with his whole heart. Thank you, Jesus, for this good and perfect gift.
If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life.
And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.
Truly, He makes beautiful things.
