Dear Future Daughter, Part Two

Five years ago, I was living in New York City and figuring out my newfound faith and zeal for the Lord. Five years ago, I was two months into dating my husband and had no idea what the future would hold. Five years ago, I wrote a letter on this blog to my future daughter.

Today I’m resharing that heartfelt letter because the dream of a daughter is no longer some far-off, maybe thing. It’s a God-given reality. We’re having baby number two this summer—a girl.

I still can’t quite believe it. I was completely convinced we were having another baby boy, and that I would always be a boy mom. I was looking forward to (even more) baseballs and fire trucks and playing in the dirt. But God surprised me with this good and perfect gift, and I’m praying now that our son and daughter would be the best of friends—running the race toward Him together.

All glory be to God!

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Dear daughter,

Today is May 11, 2016. I’m sipping my tea, writing to you from my desk in New York City. Yes, The Big Apple; I’ve lived here for three and a half years now. I am 26 years old. I’m not engaged or married, but I write this letter looking toward a future with you in it.

I don’t know when or where I am going to meet you. I don’t know when I’m going to give this to you. What I do know are a few things to be true about you. Things that will never change, no matter the circumstances.

You are, quite simply, a gift.

You make me happier than I ever thought could be. I wondered about you for years and years. Now you’re here, and I don’t know how I lived my life without you.

I spent a long time—too much time—wrestling with fear and doubt, with voices in my head that made me feel unworthy. I listened to those statements. I heard lies that I wasn’t worthy because I wasn’t enough—successful enough, smart enough, pretty enough, good enough. I had my heart broken and discarded. I felt alone, and I didn’t love the woman I was.

“The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.”

— 2 Peter 3:9

That season of my life was difficult, painful, sad. It included many ups and downs. I didn’t know how I’d make it out of the darkness. A family of my own seemed like such a silly desire when I couldn’t seem to take care of myself. I wasn’t sure if I would ever have you. So I put that dream on a shelf, tucked away and collecting dust without much hope for a future.

But I want to tell you today that that season ended. The cold, dark winter melted away, and the world felt a little more like springtime. I began to blossom. I began to hope. I found faith in a God who never really left me, who continually called me back to Him. He watched over me all those years; He was writing my story in the most beautiful way. He gave me a new life that I might one day share that life with you.

Soon enough, the darkness dissipated, the depression diminished, and my anxieties started to fade. The Light of Christ came in, slowly but surely illuminating my world once again.

And I took that dream off the shelf.

I dreamt of you, daughter. I dreamt of your big, bright eyes; your curly hair; your sweet smile and infectious laugh. I dreamt of your tender heart, your wisdom beyond your years, and your generous spirit. I dreamt of the radiant beauty that stemmed from deep down in your soul.

“Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.””

— John 14:6

I dreamt of how I would speak to you, teach you, care for you. The more I dreamt of you, the more I began to love myself. Because dreaming of you helped me think of the woman I was designed to be: wholehearted and full of grace. I thought about how I would care for you and point you back to the Father. I will never lie to you, or say that you are unworthy. I will never tell you that you need to be smarter, be prettier, be better, be more. I can promise you that. So why would I listen to those lies myself? Dreaming of you meant I started talking back to the lies, answering them with truth. I filled the space with God and with you.

I dreamt that you, too, would stand firmly in the Light.

I know there will be times when you experience your own hardship on this earth. The world might try to hurt you. It might even try to break you down. You’re going to fall and feel weak. You’re going to fail. But when you accept Christ, you have steadfast strength and courage within you. That’s the Holy Spirit.

Stand firm in who you are. Remember the things that really matter in this life. Remember that your identity is secure in our great God. Set your heart on all that sheds light.

“For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.””

— Romans 10:13

Your dad and I cherish you more than anything. We praise God for your existence. We know you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139). You are lovely in all your imperfections. You are gifted uniquely and with great purpose—nothing about you is a mistake. From your head to your toes, you are created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).

We are here for you no matter what. You encourage us and make us better people just by being you. I’m so honored to call you mine. I admire you and look at you with more joy than I ever knew possible.

I want you to know one more truth, daughter: Christ’s perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18). He loves us so deeply—so flawlessly—that He enables us to love you in return. I strive to reflect His love to you each day so that you, too, know He’s calling you into His arms, guiding you and protecting you every step of the way.

I love you, sweet girl.

Mom

To Be Known and Loved

I was listening to Annie Downs’ podcast yesterday as she interviewed comedian John Crist. They shared plenty of jokes, but they also talked about the hard stuff. Singleness as Christians in their 30s. Going through therapy and taking time away to deal with burnout. And then they discussed this idea that we as humans all want to be known and loved.

They’re right.

We all, at our core, want to be fully known and fully loved.

We want others to see us and to pay attention to us. But that’s not enough. We want to be loved, deeply and intimately. We want people to experience the comfort and assurance of being completely loved and completely known.

Both Annie and John are relatively famous. They laughed about people wanting to date them, thinking they really know them because they follow them on social media or have watched their videos. And then John said something that hit me pretty hard:

"Remember back in the day on Instagram when you had 9 likes and it would list everyone's name? And then when you got to 10, it would just say 10 likes? It was like, that was it. That was like, oh yeah we got a good one. Then it became 100, then it became 1000 and 10,000... I'm doing the same thing that my little nephew is doing that Kim Kardashian is doing... I wonder what it would be like to get 2 million likes. I bet that feels way better. No, it doesn't. It feels just the same… The 10 to 12 likes is probably better. The first one was probably better... Everyone is convinced that the next place to get is it."

He said how the best comedy show he ever did wasn’t the sold-out arena of 15,000 people. It was the 15 family members gathered around the table for Thanksgiving dinner.

Well, that hit me like a ton of bricks.

I’m looking at my goals for 2018 — write more blog posts, do more freelance work, get my writing out there — and I’m thinking I haven’t really met any of them. We’re a full quarter in, and even with my beautiful Powersheets planner, I’m still not sure I’m working toward those goals.  

I haven’t blogged in a month. Yes, part of that is because of time. My job is much busier now, I’m commuting every day, and I’m planning our wedding. Yet at the same time, I’ve managed to power through countless episodes of Friends and snooze my alarm clock more times than not.

My issue isn’t lack of time or busyness. My issue is fear. 

I fear no one will read this. I see the numbers on my analytics going down and down, and then I think, What’s the point? I fear my words won’t resonate. I fear I’ll keep writing in this little space, going along doing my thing and that my words will never get out to a greater audience. 

The fear is crippling. The fear prevents me from using my God-given gift to share His truth. God didn’t ask me to speak to a million people or to have 10,000 followers on Instagram. God asked me to use my gift and to be obedient to the call He has placed on my life as a writer. 

He wants me to show up to the people who are already here. Show up for the people He’s placed in my life. Keep writing. Keep using this gift.

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” - Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

When I’m not writing, I feel like I’m in a slump. You know how people who are extroverts say they become energized by being around people? And introverts say they gain energy by being alone? That’s how it is for me with writing. Writing allows me to be more in tune with God. Writing reminds me of my identity in Christ. When I’m writing, I never feel like I should be doing something else — because I know this is what I’m supposed to do.

And then I remember that God fully knows me and fully loves me. He knows me in all my sin, all my brokenness, and all my mess. He sees the anxiety, the eating disorder, the guilt, and the shame. Still, He loves me in a way no one else ever can. Not my husband, not my blog readers, not my Instagram followers. No one else can love the way He loves.

Read Psalm 139. You’ve probably heard these words before. We women especially love to proclaim this psalm as an affirmation about ourselves. Except it’s not about us; it’s about God. Author and Bible study teacher Jen Wilkin challenged all of us at a women’s event last month to read this psalm with an emphasis on Lord, God, and You each time we read it. Go ahead:

“O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.”

— Psalm 139:1-12

This psalm isn’t about us. It’s about God. He loves me completely, and He knows me better than I know myself. This is a reckless love! This is the Good Shepherd deeming each and every one of his sheep beloved. Fear has no place among this kind of love.

If you feel alone and like no one understands you, know that God does. Look to His Word. Psalm 139, Genesis 2, Galatians 4:4-7. When you accept Christ and believe in Him, your identity is no longer tethered to things of this world. Your identity stems from Christ. 

Knowing my true identity frees me up to write this blog. I can write without fear. I can write and not worry whether people will read it. I can write with the deep comfort that I am already loved and known, no matter how many people “like” this blog on social media. 

When you recognize you are fully known and loved in Christ, you can let go of your desire for more followers and more likes. You can surrender your prayer for a husband. You can loosen your grip on your career and your finances. You can quit playing the comparison game.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

— 1 John 4:18

You can finally rest easy in the arms of a Father who loves you in the most intimate way imaginable.