Expectant

Expectant.

This word has been ringing in my ears. I think it’s from the Holy Spirit. As I wait to deliver our baby boy, I am expectant. I expect God will show up. He will be in every detail. He will orchestrate labor in his precise, perfect plan. I expect my birth plan will only go so far because God’s plan is better. He is purposeful and intentional.

He is my rock and my salvation. He is a good, good Father. Provider. Protector. I expect He will cover us in peace and joy. I expect that in my weakness, He will be made strong. I expect my worries and fears will all be for naught because He is in control.

I wrote the above in my journal and then I looked up “expectant,” “expecting,” “expectation” in Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible. (This concordance indexes every word of the King James Version of the Bible, like a dictionary but even better. It’s an amazing study resource and I cannot recommend it highly enough.) Upon looking up these words, I was pointed to Jeremiah 29:11, a verse I’ve always loved but never read in the KJV:

“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”

An expected end. I love how this translation is phrased. God knows how our stories play out, and He’s been planning them from the beginning. He gives us hope and a future. He desires our well-being and to give us the kingdom.

I continued looking at the concordance and landed on Psalm 62:5:

“My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defence; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him: God is a refuge for us. Selah.”

God is my rock and salvation. That’s exactly what I had written in my journal before referencing the concordance. God knew what I needed to read, and He gave me the exact word and passage. He is my foundation; I will never face a situation without Him. He is the great I Am.

Expectant.

Charles and I are expectant parents. At 39 weeks 4 days, we are expecting to meet our sweet son any day now. Expecting above all, God’s grace in every moment of our anticipation and beyond.

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.

Called and Qualified

Today I am 37 weeks pregnant. Baby boy is about six pounds, the size of a honeydew melon, and it’s virtually impossible for me to think about anything other than him. I am working full-time, but whenever I have a free second, I am thinking about him. What will he look like? What will he smell like? How will he sleep? Will he be blonde or brunette (or have no hair at all)? What kind of boy will he grow into? What kind of mom and dad will we be?

I’m not afraid of being a mom—I’m beyond excited and know God has been preparing me for this for months. But the whole birthing process is still quite scary and overwhelming for me. I wrote early this year about my fear and how I experienced an anxiety attack around Christmas time. I truly think that panic was God's way of waking me up to challenge this fear.

A couple days ago, I said to my husband that I've been fearful my whole life. As long as I can remember, even as a child, I've had fear. Fear of giving a presentation at school, fear of the big test, fear of roller coasters, fear of sleepover parties, fear of being left out during a slow song at the school dance. And eventually fear of not being perfect and not measuring up to my own unreasonable standards, which contributed to my struggle with anorexia.

The fear has been with me. I know I must have had moments during my childhood where I confidently pursued my dreams and didn't think twice about doing so. A childlike faith, courage, and innocence. I don't believe we are born feeling fearful, but I can't pinpoint a time when fear first crept into my life. It doesn't make sense. My family always loved me and encouraged me. Life was good. So why did fear still overwhelm me? Why was fear this continual thread in my life?

The day after I shared this with my husband, I thought, Well, wait a minute. I've also done a bunch of things in my life that I was initially afraid to do.

In the eighth grade, I tried out for my school’s play for the first time, and I ended up being cast as Dorothy in our production of The Wizard of Oz. Terrifying yet so fun.

I took a trip abroad with my Spanish class the summer before my senior year of college. I cried in the car on the way to the airport because I was already homesick, but 10 days later, I was having so much fun that didn't want to come home.

I decided to go to college six hours away from my family, at a school where I knew no one.

And then I recognized when I needed help, needed to leave college, and needed to get treatment for my eating disorder. One of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.

Post-college, I moved to a Pennsylvania town of 10,000 for a magazine internship. It was there God gave me a newfound interest for his Word and Biblical community, plus a friend who to this day is like family to me.

I moved to New York City to pursue a career in journalism and ultimately pursued a relationship with Jesus. In 2015, I was baptized and shared my testimony as an adult with my church.

Sensing a new call on my life from God, I relocated to Nashville for the man I love and a job in full-time ministry—even though I had only been to Nashville once before and never worked in ministry.

And I started this blog, sharing my story and trusting that’s what God wants me to do.

I thought of all these experiences, and I saw God's faithfulness. Anytime I felt afraid and unsure, God was there for me.

I also remembered the countless men and women throughout the Bible who God used when they felt inadequate. He turned to people who seemed totally unqualified by cultural standards: Moses, Joseph, Daniel, Mary, the bleeding woman, Matthew, Peter. I read a quote somewhere about these men and women of the Bible that rang so true for me: God doesn't call the qualified; He qualifies the called.

“Then Moses said to the LORD, “O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither before nor since You have spoken to Your servant; but I am slow of speech and slow of tongue.””

— Exodus 4:10

“But he said, “O my Lord, please send by the hand of whomever else You may send.””

— Exodus 4:13

Moses repeatedly told the Lord to choose someone else to lead the Israelites to the Promised Land, and God kept reminding Moses that he was made for the journey.

Then we have Joseph—a young man sold into slavery by his brothers. He is wrongfully put in prison but eventually becomes ruler of Egypt—and his line of descendants leads to our Messiah, Jesus. Joseph is an unlikely hero. He looked completely unfit to rule Egypt or bring glory to God, but that’s exactly what he did. God qualified him. God didn’t care about how he looked socially or culturally; He cared about Joseph’s heart.

Stories of redemption like this are scattered all over the Bible.

Perhaps the most well-known is that of Mary, the 15-year-old girl chosen by the Father to be Jesus’ mother. She has a choice in the matter, and she boldly steps forward in obedience. Look at what happens in Luke 1 when the angel of the Lord visits her:

“The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.”

Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.”

“How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?”

The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be unable to conceive is in her sixth month. For no word from God will ever fail.”

“I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her.”

Mary is greatly troubled. Can you imagine what she felt learning this news? This was not 2019; this was a time when Mary could have been disowned for a child born outside of marriage. Not to mention, she’s only 15 years old. Yet she steps forward in faith. She trusts God, and she doesn’t let fear hold her back.

One of my favorite biblical stories is that of Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego in the book of Daniel. These boys refuse to worship the king of Babylon, and in doing so, are sent to the fiery furnace to burn alive. Daniel 6 describes how the furnace is so hot that the soldiers who brought these boys to it immediately die. Except the boys don’t die when thrown into the fire. They walk around in the fire with God at their side.

““Look! I see four men, not tied, walking around in the fire unharmed; and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.””

— Daniel 3:25b

They risked their lives in order to serve God, and they are delivered from the fire. What stands out the most to me in this story is how God not only rescues them, but He walks with them through the trial. This is truth that I need to cling to. I need to remember this on a daily basis. God walks with us through fear, anxiety, pain, and suffering. He is still good, no matter what we are feeling or experiencing.

So does birth scare me? Yes.

Will it be worth it? A million times yes.

This is God’s plan for me, and He will be there with me through every second of labor and delivery. He’s called me, and He will qualify me.

I'll get to meet my son. I'll have the gift of becoming a momma, something I don't ever want to take for granted. I picture holding him on my chest moments after he takes his first breath in this world. His dad and I snuggling him with overwhelming thanksgiving for this good and perfect gift.

What It's Really Like Being Pregnant After an Eating Disorder

This may be the most important and more personal piece I’ve written yet—my story of anorexia recovery and now a healthy pregnancy. Head on over to Health.com to read the full piece.

How to Fight Back Against Anxiety

After publishing my last post, a few of you reached out and told me you also struggle with anxiety or that you have had a panic attack this past year, too. You offered encouragement and truth, and for that, I am so very grateful. We weren't made to fight our battles alone, friends. And we weren't made to sit in anxiety, letting it rule over us. God created us for much more than that.

As I've been praying for peace and trust in the Lord's plan in 2019, He has reminded me how important it is to "get up and walk." (John 5:8) I don't see anxiety or panic attacks as sinful, but I do believe we can choose to run after Christ in the midst of those—and that He will sustain us. Below are five practical things that have helped me in the fight against anxiety.

1. Read the Bible.

Spending time in God's Word—daily—is our absolute best weapon against the enemy. Satan wants to bring you down, and he will use any tactic he can get. In 2018, I noticed I was finally experiencing true healing from my eating disorder. With my desire for control no longer being channeled into what I ate, Satan did everything he could to find a new outlet. Fear and worry cropped up in my pregnancy, in my job, and even in whether my home was clean or not. Sometimes I let those fears hold me back from time with God. In 2019, I'm committed to reading the Bible daily. I have seen firsthand how much of a difference that makes. God speaks to us all the time, and He's given us His Word as a direct form of communication. We just have to be willing to listen.

2. Pray.

It sounds easier than it is at times. Talk to God. Share your heart with Him in all its messy, anxious, fearfulness. You don't have to clean yourself up before God. In fact, He wants you to come as you are.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”

— 1 Peter 5:6-7

God's yoke is easy and His burden is light. Go to Him.

I often want to Google a solution, phone a friend, or search a book for the comfort I'm looking for. But those times I talk to Jesus first, those are the times I really feel comforted. I can search for answers in a million different places. (And I do.) True peace, however, comes from God alone.

3. Memorize Scripture.

I was in a women's group in 2017 where we memorized two verses of the Bible each week. By the end of the year, we could each recite Ephesians 1 and 2 from memory. That practice changed my life. I was amazed at how much those verses from God's Word would come to mind when I needed Him most.

Since then, I haven't practiced much scripture memory, but it's a spiritual discipline I want to get back to. I know it's a fierce weapon in the fight against anxiety. So pick some verses—or just one—to memorize and be your mantra in those worry-filled moments. Speak truth aloud over yourself and let it soak into every fiber of your being.

Right now, I'm working on Isaiah 41:10:

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

4. Talk to a trusted friend.

Open up to a friend or family member you trust. I've learned that the more you are vulnerable with other people, the more they will be vulnerable with you. You can pray for each other, pray together, and encourage each other in whatever it is you're going through. This person can also serve as an accountability partner. Be honest with them, even if you're feeling guilt or shame. Sometimes this means talking to a counselor or therapist. I’ve spent about eight years in counseling, and I truly believe every one of us could benefit from it. I’m actually looking into counseling again now in Nashville because of how helpful my experience was back in New York.

As Christians, we need a constant cycle of confession and repentance to experience full freedom. Talk to God and talk to your friend.

5. Take a walk.

Go for a stroll, and if you can, leave your phone at home. Enjoy time in God's creation without other distractions. Head to a local trail, go on a hike, or simply walk around your neighborhood. A change of scenery and a bit of movement can be the best thing to help you get out of your own mind. Change your perspective from an inward focus to a greater focus on the Lord.

The less I think of myself, the less I worry. And the more I surrender humbly to God and give things up to Him, the better I feel. No matter what my emotions are, God remains the same. We can depend on Him to provide for us, care for us, and sustain us—even in the darkest hour.

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.