This may be the most important and more personal piece I’ve written yet—my story of anorexia recovery and now a healthy pregnancy. Head on over to Health.com to read the full piece.
How to Talk to a Friend in the Midst of Disordered Eating or an Eating Disorder
Thankful for my family, friends, and this lady right here for all the ways they've talked with me and prayed for me over the years.
A version of this post originally appeared on verilymag.com.
September is National Recovery Month, and it's given me pause to reflect on my own recovery. Praise God for the way His hand was on me and for calling me into a relationship with Him. The more open and honest I’ve been in my journey, the more freedom I’ve experienced. Satan doesn't have a hold over my past anymore, and Christ has given me a unique way to talk about Him. He's brought great healing and recovery into my life.
As I’ve gotten healthier, I’ve noticed that our country is obsessed with what we eat and how we look. Think of how many times you’ve seen a blog post about eating clean. How many times you’ve seen the hashtags #fitspo and #goals on Facebook and Instagram. How many times you’ve seen a headline about some celebrity’s pregnancy weight. We are bombarded with this information from multiple platforms on a daily basis, and the prevalence of eating disorders has continued to rise.
Many of you have asked me what you should say to someone with an eating disorder, and rightfully so. Learning how to speak around a friend who you know struggles or has struggled with an eating disorder, disordered eating, or poor body image is a process. Every person is different; their stories are unique. What I write below has been helpful and encouraging to me in my recovery, but please remember that your friend’s individual needs may differ.
Talking to a friend whom you suspect has an eating disorder—but has not admitted that to you—is incredibly difficult. Regardless of what she—or he, as one in four individuals with eating disorders is male—is experiencing, approach them with love and care. If your friend is struggling, and you want to talk to her, I would suggest keeping a few things in mind; these guidelines apply for any kind of recovery:
Be intentional.
Set aside time for a private, distraction-free discussion. Frame the conversation by stating that you are concerned and are bringing this up to your friend because you truly care. Assure them that you love them no matter what.
Ask questions.
Start by asking if they are struggling rather than placing blame or judgment. They will feel better knowing that you gave them a chance to speak and didn’t automatically assume there's a problem.
Be specific.
It is best to share specific examples of why you are concerned, according to the National Eating Disorders Association. Gently let them know of behaviors you’ve witnessed that raise a red flag. Start your sentences with “I” rather than “you.” For example, “I’m concerned about you because [fill-in-the-blank]."
Pray.
Talk to God before talking to your friend. Ask Him for guidance and to speak through you. When you do speak to your friend, whether they are a Christian or not, ask if you can pray over them. You'll be surprised how many people will accept prayer when they're hurting. It's the most powerful tool we have.
Addictions and dysfunctional behaviors are about so much more than what they manifest as on the surface. An eating disorder, at the core, isn't about food. Saying that your friend should simply eat more, quit binging and purging, or stop overexercising is oversimplifying recovery and will make her feel more isolated. The root of an eating disorder varies but often stems from obsessive desires for control, approval, and perfectionism. Keep that in mind when talking to your friend.
If your friend has already told you that they have an eating disorder or addiction (a huge step in any recovery), you will be able to have conversations that look a bit different than those with a friend whose is still secretly struggling. Here are a few of the things that have been helpful to me in my own recovery:
“I love you, and I don’t think of you any differently. Do you know that God also loves you?”
This is perhaps the most important statement you can make. Assure them they are worthy and loved, and nothing they say or does will change that. God loves the least among us—the sinners, the broken, the hurting, the messes. He didn't come to save perfect people but the broken ones, like you and me.
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”
“How are you doing?”
Give your friend a call to catch up. Ask how they have been doing not just with food but with all aspects of life. Our friends need commitment and consistency to keep a friendship alive.
“We all have our struggles. In fact, I struggle with X.”
We all struggle. Even if you don’t wrestle with a full-blown addiction or disorder, you currently face or have faced some sort of struggle of your own. Opening up to your friend fosters trust, reminds her no one is perfect, and will help her be fully honest with you in her recovery.
“You are more than your weight/fitness routine/the food on your plate.”
Talk about her character, not her physical appearance. We so often resort to looks—from body shape to hairstyles to clothing—when starting a conversation with someone. Compliment your friend on her intelligence, her kindness, and her courage. She is already hyper-focused on her body, so even if you think telling her “You look healthy!” or “You are beautiful!” is helpful, keep the focus on her internal values instead. Remind her how brave she is for choosing recovery and healing.
We know as believers that our identity is in Christ alone. Reassure your friend of this. Being a Christian doesn't mean you'll no longer struggle, but it does mean you're no longer a slave to sin. We were created in His image, bought at a price. He is making us new.
“We know that our old self was crucified with him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin.”
“Would you like to come over for dinner on Friday?”
Friends who cook for me and invite me to dinner are such a gift. Someone who is in recovery will need lots of support around her, particularly during mealtime. Satan works in isolation; Don't give him that chance.
"How can I best be a friend to you during this time?”
This gives her the opportunity to tell you how you can best serve her. If your friend is in recovery, they can tell you what they need from you, and they will so appreciate that you asked.
Please know, if your friend is harming herself, it is absolutely appropriate to suggest they seek professional help. ANAD offers a free guide on how to talk to someone and intervene if necessary. Psychology Today is also an excellent resource for finding specialized therapists, psychiatrists, support groups, and treatment centers in your area. You can tell her you read this blog and want to help however you can. Every day counts in recovery—the sooner one can address the problem, the greater the likelihood of full recovery.
If your friend rejects help, then I would continue to let them that you’re there for them. Ultimately, they have to be ready to recover on their own.
Most importantly, keep praying for them. Pray for God to move and for them to be ready to surrender to Him fully. True recovery is possible through Christ, so don't lose hope.
If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life.
And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.
Truly, He makes beautiful things.
A Follow-Up on Body Image and Recovery
Friends—thank you so much for reading my blog post on body image. I really think God was using me for that post, and I am glad His Word was such an encouragement for so many of you.
After publishing it, a couple of you reached out to me to ask for more specific advice. You wondered about any helpful suggestions I might have for someone going through recovery from an eating disorder or disordered eating.
First of all, for each of you who confessed to me that you have struggled with body image or eating and no longer want to walk that path, I want to say I am so proud of you. Being honest and admitting body image struggles, exercise addiction, or an eating disorder is the hardest part and the first step to recovery. And I would encourage you if you are reading this and thinking that you might be struggling, too, would you confess that to someone? Share this burden with someone else. Invite them in and push back some of the darkness that has a hold on you.
Give up your struggle to the Lord. Cry out to Him. Talk to Him specifically about what you’re going through. Someone once told me you have to claim your struggle—meaning you have to name it aloud and ask very intentionally for healing. Prayer is the most powerful weapon we wield. Use it. Don’t let sin and Satan’s grasp keep you trapped.
I think that has been one of my biggest revelations in recovery—the knowledge that I cannot do it alone. Other people are not here to judge you; they want to help you.
Even more so, God is here for you. If you are a Christian, you have been sealed with His Spirit. He dwells within you! Take a moment to soak that in.
“When you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and when you believed in Him, you were also sealed with the promised Holy Spirit.”
God hears you, and He loves you so much. He doesn't want you to spend your life hyper-focused on your body and your weight, your fitness routine, and your food intake. He has so much more in store for you. You have to believe that. If you are wrestling with the same struggle again and again, continually hitting a dead end, and you are not a Christian, would you consider how a relationship with Jesus changes your life? How He enables your healing, recovery, and redemption?
Read my story. I can’t make this stuff up—I’m alive today because of Jesus. I’m still a work in progress, and I will always be. But He has given me new life. You can have new life, too.
If you believe in your heart that Jesus is Lord and you proclaim that, you will be saved. (Romans 10:9)
My next step for you would be to start meeting with a non-diet dietitian in your area. I cannot emphasize enough how much my dietitian has helped me and continues to lead me on the road to full freedom. When seeking out a dietitian, be sure she has her credentials and really does specialize in eating disorders and intuitive eating. If you cannot find someone in your area like this, there are some great RDs who offer phone/Skype sessions. Consider Robyn (a friend and fellow church member from New York City!), Kylie (adore her), or Reba (my dietitian!).
Another thing that was super helpful for me was doing a detox for my mind. I re-evaluated all the media I take in, and I looked specifically for healthier outlets that would encourage me and build up my body confidence. I now regularly read blogs like Imma Eat That and The Real Life RD, and I listen to podcasts like Food Psych with Christy Harrison. I look for books on recovery, such as Life Without Ed (could not recommend this more), The Eating Disorder Sourcebook, and Intuitive Eating (a game-changer for everyone, not just those who struggle with an ED).
I stopped following a lot of people on Instagram who made me feel guilty about the food I eat or the way my body looks. I stopped following most celebrities. I often found myself comparing my life to theirs, and it wasn't healthy. About a year ago, I stopped all my magazine subscriptions. I read magazines here and there, but not the way I use to legit study them from cover to cover. I even stopped watching "The Bachelor/Bachelorette"—I know that sounds silly, but it's helped! I didn't realize how much I compared myself to the "real" women on those shows and held them as a standard for what I should look like and what men desire. Let me tell you: That could not be further from the truth.
I have to take solace in the real Truth—God's Word. Psalm 139 and Proverbs 31 are beautiful reminders of who we are as precious daughters of Christ. Our worth is so much more than our weight or the food we eat. Pick a verse that especially speaks to you and memorize it. Pull that out when you’re tempted to fall back into old ways.
For me, that’s 1 Samuel 16:7:
“But the LORD said to Samuel, ‘Do not look at his appearance or his stature, because I have rejected him. Man does not see what the LORD sees, for man sees what is visible, but the LORD sees the heart.”
Remember who you are and whose you are. Keep fighting. Recovery is a battle, but full freedom and restoration are possible.
If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life.
And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.
Truly, He makes beautiful things.
Let's Honor Our Bodies And Enjoy Food As The Gift It Is
A version of this post originally appeared on Verilymag.com.
Juice cleanses. Detox diets. Meatless Mondays. All these food trends seem to be ushering in not only pithy magazine cover lines about carbs and abs but also an age when food consciousness has become the focal point of many of our lives. "Clean eating" has become an industry all its own. We cling to paleo and gluten-free lifestyles almost like religions.
If that meant we were all adapting healthier, happier lifestyles, maybe these eating fads would be great. And maybe for some people it is a helpful way to eat healthfully. But for many others, and particularly for young women, good health isn't the result. In fact, 50 percent of teenage girls use unhealthy weight control measures, such as skipping meals, fasting, vomiting, and taking laxatives. And on into young adulthood, 25 percent of college women engage in bingeing and purging, and 91 percent of women surveyed on college campuses try to control their weight through dieting. For many women, an acute food focus becomes downright dangerous.
I should know. It happened to me.
I've written about this before, but I really don't think eating disorders and our obsession with food can be talked about enough. For me, the desire to eat healthier was the beginning of what led me to develop a life-threatening eating disorder. As a high school varsity tennis player, I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I was strong and healthy. I was able to clearly listen to my body’s hunger and fullness signals. I ate everything from broccoli to burgers, and my body knew exactly what I needed. I was what you would call an intuitive eater. Taking care of myself was simple.
But things got complicated. Or I should say, I overcomplicated them.
By the end of my senior year of high school, I was no longer playing tennis for three hours a day. I was busy finishing my studies, working part-time, and preparing for college. My friends started talking about the dreaded “Freshman 15” weight gain that was sure to hit all of us come fall, and it seemed like every girl around me was dieting in order to look fabulous in her prom dress that spring.
I decided to drink more water and to cut out the two or three Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies from my lunch every day. I figured I wasn’t an athlete anymore and now I needed to watch what I ate.
As an aspiring magazine journalist, I was very tuned in to the media, often reading headlines and articles about health and wellness. Twelve hundred calories a day to get a bikini body? No dairy or gluten to ensure flat abs? Sixty minutes of cardio a day to stay in shape? I soaked up the information like a sponge, absorbing diet tips, “healthy eating” strategies, and fitness advice.
All my life, I was praised for my body. Genetically tall and thin, I was often told I should be a model and affirmed for the way I looked. “You’re so skinny! I wish I looked like you," people would say. “What’s your secret?”
Subconsciously, I fed on that affirmation. What would happen if I couldn’t maintain this figure? What would I think of myself?
I had developed a sense of pride in my appearance. I had also developed a deep fear of losing it. The fears grew stronger and then the voice in my head changed from me wanting to be “healthy,” to me wanting approval, to me wanting control.
I was incredibly stressed about starting college at a school where I knew no one and where I would be enrolled in a rigorous program. I was scared I wouldn’t measure up. My long-term friendships were changing—we were drifting apart as the prospect of college loomed closer and closer. I had recently broken things off with a guy I liked, and I was feeling extra-lonely as a result. My life was going through a natural transition. But for me, an 18-year-old perfectionist not used to change or failure, life felt out of control. Nothing felt normal.
But food? Food I could control. If I could manage my food intake, then I could feel better, I thought.
It was the perfect storm of factors: a desire to eat healthy, fear of failure, stress about my body, longing for affirmation, isolation from my friends, and a great memory for calories/nutritional information/diet tips. Before I knew it, “healthy eating” became restriction and then full-blown anorexia nervosa.
The eating disorder took root and grew during that summer. Calorie counting became my way of life. My thoughts were consumed by food. I pulled away from my friends so that they wouldn't really know what was going on. My parents took me to see my pediatrician who had known me since I was a toddler. He said that while I had lost weight, it was perfectly normal to do so under stress and that they shouldn't worry. Later my parents drove me to an eating disorder treatment center. The psychiatrist there wanted to admit me immediately. I continued to deny having a problem. And my restricting rapidly worsened.
I still went off to college―but three weeks into my first semester, I had to withdraw for medical reasons. I was no longer stable enough to stay in school. Anorexia was destroying my life, and if I didn’t do something serious (and soon), I was going to die. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness. And 5 to 20 percent of those who suffer from anorexia will die. That's upward of one in five.
Thank God this is not where my story ends. Let me be clear: I did not save myself. I could not have escaped this devastating downward spiral of sin and destruction on my own. I was saved by The Lord, whose hand of protection was on me through it all. He saved me physically and spiritually. I got help from doctors and psychologists, and slowly but surely, I regained my health and my strength. My family carried me through it all, and I was given a second chance at life. I went back to school, graduated on time, and took a full-time job within a few months after graduation.
Today, seven years later, I am fully in recovery. I am happy and healthy. I meet with a counselor and nutritionist on a regular basis. I have an amazing community around me that watches out for me and that I can talk to when things get hard. Because, I have to be honest, sometimes life does get hard.
I think of anorexia (or any eating disorder) like alcoholism. Both are diseases; both stem from nature and nurture. Genetics, upbringing, and choices. Alcoholics usually call themselves alcoholics for the rest of their lives, even when they have not touched a drink in ten years. Similarly, I will always say I am “in recovery” from my eating disorder, even though my life looks drastically different than it used to. I am grateful for every single day, and I live life to the fullest.
I am also now highly aware of the world of “healthy eating,” diet, and fitness. We are tempted every day by magazines and websites promising happiness if we can just fix ourselves. If we can eat clean, if we can do more strength training, if we can work a bit harder to get those flat abs/strong arms/skinny waist/perky butt, we can achieve fulfillment. We can be happy.
Except those things will never fulfill us. Food, control, affirmation from others―those things will never fulfill us because only Christ can. It’s taken me years and plenty of struggle to realize that.
Everyone’s body, everyone’s health, is completely individual. What might be healthy for one person is totally different for someone else. I know that, for me, I could not survive on 1,500 calories a day like an unnamed women’s wellness magazine prescribes as necessary for weight maintenance and optimal health. If I did that with 60 minutes of cardio exercise a day, I would not be healthy. I would be sick and run down. And, for me, desserts and other sweet treats are a necessary part of my life. They equal food freedom! I’d like lots of freedom, please.
As my friend, fellow blogger, and dietician and nurse Robyn says so wisely:
“I am not anyone else except ME. Which means the person sitting next to me has different nutritional needs than I do, so comparing myself to them is pointless—the only person I need to focus on with food and exercise is myself.
Health is about trends and consistency—just like one day of ‘dieting’ and exercise doesn’t cause a person to lose weight, eating out of routine for a short time and enjoying foods that allow you to fully experience life and nourish your soul will not make you gain weight. Health is all about the big picture, not a snapshot.
[Food] is meant for nourishment and to be enjoyed and it has nothing to do with how self-disciplined you are, or how much willpower you have, and it certainly has nothing to do with your identity and worth.”
Amen, sister.
Food is for health, for pleasure, for experience—and all of those things together.
Think of how food shows up in the Bible: It brings people together. God uses it to bless us and reveal Himself to us. God gives us the gift of food to experience in community. We break bread and drink wine. Food is a gift, a way we can connect with one another.
God gave the Israelites manna in the wilderness, to humble and test them so that it would do them good (Deuteronomy 8:16). He gives us bread from heaven to show us that He is God (Exodus 16:12).
Food is not meant to be overly complicated. My nutritionist often reminds me: Your body is the best indicator of what you need and when you need it. If you’re hungry and your stomach is growling, it’s because your body needs food―regardless of whether you ate two slices of pizza an hour ago or just drank a green juice. The latest diet trends are always changing, but your body is with you for the long haul. Listen to it.
Hyper-analyzing and focusing on food―or anything for that matter―turns it into an idol. It becomes the thing we glorify. It replaces God in our hearts, and ultimately, destroys our lives.
If we’re obsessed with eating perfectly, eating better than the person next to us, or looking good, we are the ones who end up losing. Being so concerned with what’s “healthy” and what’s not means we miss out on the simple joy of food. We miss out on the amazing gift our bodies are. We miss out on the whole life God has given us. He wants us to enjoy these things to glorify Him!
So eat the kale. Eat the cupcake. Listen to your body, not your fears. Let Jesus ―not food―reign in your heart. And enjoy the full life He has set out for you.
If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life.
And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.
Truly, He makes beautiful things.