On Motherhood

I thought I was becoming a stay-at-home mom to help my kids. But really, God was leading me into stay-at-home motherhood to help me.

Charles and I got married in June of 2018. (You can read more about our dating here, and how I knew he was my future husband here.) Come August of that year, still fresh from our honeymoon in Snowmass, Colorado, we had moved into our new apartment in Nashville, he started a new job, and – I remember the day like it was yesterday – we found out I was expecting. Cue mic drop.  

We were excited and, of course, a bit nervous, too. As my belly began to grow, I felt like I would want to quit my job outside the home to work as a mom.

Once I held my baby boy, I knew I wanted to stop working at my corporate job to be his primary caretaker. I had prayed about this decision. My husband and I both had. I truly felt called to this new role. 

What do I mean by feeling called? Well, Merriam-Webster puts it this way:

call·​ing (n): a strong inner impulse toward a particular course of action, especially when accompanied by conviction of divine influence

I felt convicted by divine influence. God made it clear what I should do, and He united Charles and I in that. That has been super important because it’s allowed me to stay the course when things are hard. Because even though I made this choice, I still have hard days. I still have times when the kids aren’t listening to me (they’re six, three, and one, after all) when I remember my old work, my paycheck. I think that’s very normal. I used to have frustrations in my 9-to-5 job, too. 

Yet I feel confident this is the right spot for me, even if only for a season. I have one child in school now, and things might look different when all three are in school. Like we strive to do with each part of our lives, we are taking it one day, one step at a time, trying to be faithful to Jesus and surrender it to Him. We trust He will continue to make our steps clear. 

I’m a working mother but I do not get paid. I do not work outside the home. That said, I don’t usually use the term “stay-at-home mom” because I like to be out of the home whenever possible. I’m in car drop-off and pickup lines, in grocery stores, at the library, at the park, taking my kids to the museum or the zoo or a local trail, I’m at church, I’m meeting up with friends and having playdates, I’m at the pool or splash pad, going to appointments, volunteering at school events. You get the picture. 

At one point, I would instead say I’m a “full-time mom,” but I’ve recently learned that term is a divisive one. So when someone asks what I do? I tell them plainly, I am a mom. And after six years of this role, I finally feel at peace with that. I don’t need to justify my job by saying “Well, I used to be a writer and work in communications.” Or “I sometimes freelance.” Or even, “I’m very busy with XYZ at church.” 

In my pride, I would want to tell people about the job I once had, the cool things I’ve done in my career, and the education I received before I became a mom. I thought that was important. I thought I was giving up everything I worked so hard for when I decided to work as a mom. Sure, I have given things up. I have sacrificed. But each sacrifice has been worth it. It’s shown me more of who God is and how He’s made the ultimate sacrifice for me. 

My perspective has completely shifted on this because in reality, I was – and am – becoming more of who God created me to be. A daughter of the King, with my identity firmly in Him, not in anything I do and not in how successful I believe I am as a mother. My identity is secure. 

He’s the one writing my story, ordaining each chapter along the way. I’m not “throwing away” the life I used to have or the achievements I once valued so much. I’m simply attempting to set aside my earthly treasures for a life in His Kingdom, done His way, instead.

You see, I thought I was becoming a stay-at-home mom to help my kids. But really, God was leading me into stay-at-home motherhood to help me.

He’s used motherhood to reveal my anger, impatience, fear, anxiety, desire for approval, and desire for control. And no, I don’t think I’m being too hard on myself here. Rather, I recognize that I’m a sinner, and my sin is what sent Christ to the cross. I can do nothing apart from Him. Nothing. I cannot fix myself or force myself to be a “better person.” Jesus, and Jesus alone, through the cross and resurrection, can change me. 

He rose again, defeated death and the grave, and he now offers me life forever with Him – and new life here on this earth! That’s what we call the Gospel, the Good News. Jesus made a way back to God on my behalf. As a broken human, I couldn’t do it on my own. As the perfect God-man, Jesus could (and did). 

I used to think about this more in terms of having my eternal home with God in heaven one day. Being a part of His kingdom. When we confess Him as Lord and Savior, He guarantees this. (Romans 10:9) We don’t have to do certain works for it. Aren’t you glad of that? 

But He’s also bringing His kingdom here, now. We get to be a part of it! 

He is changing me every day. He is refining me and showing me how to die to myself. This is a continual process. Some days I feel His presence and His power more than others, and some days I quite frankly just feel my mess. Yet, He who has promised is faithful. He already knew all my mess when he went to the cross. It’s the reason He came. 

I’ve had people say to me things like, Oh I could never have three kids like you because I’m too controlling/anxious/overwhelmed. 

I gently respond: Same, girl! 

“His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.”

— 2 Peter 1:3

I’m too controlling, anxiety-prone, and easily overwhelmed to have any kids at all. The only reason I can and do is by the grace of God. He gives me the strength I need while chipping away at my defects of character slowly but surely.

And I have to keep giving it over to Him. God can do anything. Nothing is impossible with God (Luke 1:37). He asks me to get up and walk, too. So, I’ve been through a lot of counseling and am a big proponent of it. I’m actively involved in Celebrate Recovery and am currently working through the eight principles of recovery with my accountability partners. I’ve also just started going through The Emotionally Healthy Woman study with a group of women from church. I firmly believe we can all benefit from counseling and recovery work. God can do miracles, and He invites us to be a participant in them. 

I just want to keep living for Him and His purpose, shedding the worries of this world, releasing expectations, and letting Him do what He wants to do. I feel more free now than I think I ever have. As John 8:36 says, “Who the Son sets free is free indeed.”

While I get to impact my kids each day through my time at home with them, I think what’s happening even more is that God is impacting me. I thought I was going to change them – yet God knew all along He was going to change me. 

❤️

A Prayer from My Journal (That You Can Pray, Too)

Lord, fix my eyes on you.

Help me focus on you today in my weariness, my feeling unwell, my frustration at not being able to do what I want to do. Cast my gaze to the cross. You bore my sins on that tree at calvary. My anger, impatience, desire for control. My disordered love of comfort and health above Jesus. These things were the nails in your hands and feet. And they’re the whole reason why you went to the cross. For my sin. For me.

Forgive me, Father. I am not worthy.

But God.

You put my sin in the grave. You forgive me, every single time. You throw my shortcomings as far as the east is to the west. It is finished. And now you are alive! My king, hosanna, hosanna. You call me your precious daughter, worthy and wonderful. Because you live, I live. Your mercies, your lovingkindness, your compassions are fresh as the dew each morning.

I thank you, Jesus, for loving me, saving me, calling me yours. Set my feet firm on the truth today. Make me a clean vessel, oh Lord. Teach me how to walk in the way everlasting and guide my feet on the path to peace.

Amen.

A Time for Revival

Have you been hearing about revival recently like I have? This past February, Asbury College in Kentucky experienced a revival – one that started with a chapel service where the pastor preached on Romans 12.

“I hope you guys forget me but anything from the Holy Spirit and God’s Word would find fertile ground in your hearts and produce fruit,” he said. “Romans 12. That’s the star, okay? God’s Word and Jesus and the Holy Spirit moving in our midst, that’s what we’re hoping for.”

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

— Romans 12:1-2

After the service, students stayed in the chapel to pray – and they kept praying.

More students came and went, and some even stayed overnight so as to not miss what was happening. This continued for two weeks, with more than 50,000 people coming to the college to worship, pray, and praise the Lord. People said the feeling they experienced in that room was unlike any other. A sense of peace and the Holy Spirit on the move. 

Here’s a bit more about Christian revival, according to GotQuestions.org:

Revival refers to a spiritual reawakening from a state of dormancy or stagnation in the life of a believer. It encompasses the resurfacing of a love for God, an appreciation of God’s holiness, a passion for His Word and His church, a convicting awareness of personal and corporate sin, a spirit of humility, and a desire for repentance and growth in righteousness. Revival invigorates and sometimes deepens a believer’s faith, opening his or her eyes to the truth in a fresh, new way. It generally involves the connotation of a fresh start with a clean slate, marking a new beginning of a life lived in obedience to God. Revival breaks the charm and power of the world, which blinds the eyes of men, and generates both the will and power to live in the world but not of the world.

This whole definition is helpful. I have prayed for revival in my city, country, and world, but I haven’t fully grasped the meaning of that word. I certainly didn’t think about needing a revival in my own heart before any broader re-awakening can happen. Reading stories about what happened at Asbury College and listening to my old pastor passionately speak on revival has really made me think.

God’s revealed to me how much time I spend asking Him for things when praying and how little time I spend simply talking with Him.  I am quick to go through a list of prayers in my mind, things I need from God. I’ll praise Him for who He is, but then I’ll always move right on to the checklist of what I want Him to do for me. 

I’m not saying this is bad per say. Jesus wants us to come to Him with our whole hearts. He wants to know our requests. In fact, Philippians 4:6 says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

Many of us have learned how to pray using the P.R.A.Y. method – praise, repent, ask, and yield. 

The problem for me is that I rarely yield. 

I spend so much time asking and so little time listening. I am usually focusing on myself, my needs, my desires, and my fears, but I forget to tune into the desires of the Father. 

 I long for revival in this world, and that revival starts with me.

The revival needs to happen in my own heart first.  

After my daughter was born, I pressed pause on this blog. I had to step away for some time because I didn’t know how to continue writing while taking care of two little kids. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to keep posting content even when I was physically and emotionally drained from my full-time job as a mom. 

Around the same time, my husband and I also quit most social media. I still check Facebook marketplace and use Pinterest from time to time, but freeing myself from Instagram has been a super healthy decision. These two choices – pressing pause on the blog and stepping away from social media – have allowed God to work in my heart in deeper ways. 

He’s revealed so much sin and areas for growth in my life. I’ve realized I actually had to stop writing because my blog had become more about me than about Christ. I want my words to share truth and encourage others. I want to be the salt and light that I’m called to be. While I do think I was doing those things (or truly trying to), I also know that I was mentally caught up in a burning desire for more views, more likes, more clicks, more comments, etc. 

I’ve been more focused on living for this world than living for Christ. By God’s grace, this is something I’m continually working through. I have to keep confessing and turning back to Him. He keeps gently showing me that I have all I need for a godly life in Christ alone (2 Peter 1:3). Like the lyrics of Cody Carnes’ song “Nothing Else,” Lord, I just want you. I pray that is the song of my heart.

I want God to keep humbling me and reminding me this world is not my home. I want Him to revive my own heart more and more, and then I pray that would spread like wildfire all around me.

A Prayer From My Journal (That You Can Pray, Too):

Oh, Lord, I confess to you my anger. My irritability. My desire for control and approval, my jealousy, my pride, and my lack of contentment. You have given me everything I need for life and godliness! You redeemed me. You are the living water that satisfies in a way nothing else can. Thank you, God.

Create in me a clean heart, Lord. I need to die to be reborn. Destroy the sinful parts of me. You must increase, and I must decrease (John 3:30). Make it so!

Continue to reveal areas of sin and temptation in my life. Forgive me. Redeem me. Lead me along the right paths to walk in Your Way. 

I pray you revive my marriage and my parenting. Revive my work. Revive my friendships and family relationships. My church and community. Our schools and government and media. 

Lord Jesus, revive my soul.

In Your mighty name, I pray. Amen.

From the Archives: Take Heart, Daughter

Today I’m sharing a post from May 2018, before I got married or had kids. I was living and working in Nashville, Tennessee, and God was growing me more in Him day by day. This story from Matthew 9 is still one of my favorites, and I believe Jesus shows us here the kind of healing and hope He still offers His people thousands of years later. I pray this content blesses you today!

I've been in a Bible study led by Kristi McClelland for the past 7 weeks on Jesus and women, in the first century and now. My mind has been blown more times than I can count. Reading the Bible in the context in which it was written is life-changing. One lesson—and one passage—has really resonated with me in particular. And when my pastor Robby Gallaty preached on the same message this Sunday, I knew I had to share with y'all.

“But for you who fear my name, the sun of righteousness shall rise with healing in its wing.”

— Malachi 4:2

I've read and heard this verse many times, but I never knew the true meaning until about a month ago. I always pictured this as God offering protection and shelter under His wings like momma bird to its baby. It's a beautiful picture, but it's not the full picture.

Malachi is the final book of the Old Testament. This is one of the last things God says to the prophets before the 400-year intertestamental period.

400 years before Jesus comes on the scene, and God says "the sun of righteousness"—the Messiah—will have healing in its wing. 

To understand what this means, we have to look to the original Hebrew translation. When Jesus spoke, He made sure He could be understood by everyone. Understanding the culture helps us understand the meaning. Well, rabbis in the first century (and many today) wore a prayer shawl called a "tallit." The shawl has tassels on its ends. The corner and end of the tallit is known as "kanaph." Guess what "kanaph" is translated as? That's right: wing.

Jesus, a rabbi, wore a tallit, which had a kanaph. And God told His people 400 years before He sent His son to earth that the Messiah would have healing in its wing. But God doesn't leave the story there.

The first chapter of the New Testament (right after Malachi) is Matthew. Look at Matthew 9. A woman who has been suffering from bleeding for 12 years, isolated and cast out, approaches Jesus as He walks through town. She reaches out to His WING and is immediately healed.

“And behold, a woman who had suffered from a discharge of blood for twelve years came up behind him and touched the fringe of his garment, for she said to herself, ‘If I only touch his garment, I will be made well.’ Jesus turned, and seeing her he said, ‘Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well.’ And instantly the woman was made well.”

This woman knew her Bible. She loved the Lord, and she reached out to Jesus. When I learned the truth of this story, I cried. I cried because it's not just a Biblical story -- it's a story that still happens today. This is my story. God healed me from anxiety, an eating disorder, depression, guilt, shame. Because He is my helper, I rejoice in the shadow of His wing. (Psalm 63:7)

He saved me like He saved the bleeding woman, and He offers that grace and mercy to every single one of you. 

Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well.