Called and Qualified

Today I am 37 weeks pregnant. Baby boy is about six pounds, the size of a honeydew melon, and it’s virtually impossible for me to think about anything other than him. I am working full-time, but whenever I have a free second, I am thinking about him. What will he look like? What will he smell like? How will he sleep? Will he be blonde or brunette (or have no hair at all)? What kind of boy will he grow into? What kind of mom and dad will we be?

I’m not afraid of being a mom—I’m beyond excited and know God has been preparing me for this for months. But the whole birthing process is still quite scary and overwhelming for me. I wrote early this year about my fear and how I experienced an anxiety attack around Christmas time. I truly think that panic was God's way of waking me up to challenge this fear.

A couple days ago, I said to my husband that I've been fearful my whole life. As long as I can remember, even as a child, I've had fear. Fear of giving a presentation at school, fear of the big test, fear of roller coasters, fear of sleepover parties, fear of being left out during a slow song at the school dance. And eventually fear of not being perfect and not measuring up to my own unreasonable standards, which contributed to my struggle with anorexia.

The fear has been with me. I know I must have had moments during my childhood where I confidently pursued my dreams and didn't think twice about doing so. A childlike faith, courage, and innocence. I don't believe we are born feeling fearful, but I can't pinpoint a time when fear first crept into my life. It doesn't make sense. My family always loved me and encouraged me. Life was good. So why did fear still overwhelm me? Why was fear this continual thread in my life?

The day after I shared this with my husband, I thought, Well, wait a minute. I've also done a bunch of things in my life that I was initially afraid to do.

In the eighth grade, I tried out for my school’s play for the first time, and I ended up being cast as Dorothy in our production of The Wizard of Oz. Terrifying yet so fun.

I took a trip abroad with my Spanish class the summer before my senior year of college. I cried in the car on the way to the airport because I was already homesick, but 10 days later, I was having so much fun that didn't want to come home.

I decided to go to college six hours away from my family, at a school where I knew no one.

And then I recognized when I needed help, needed to leave college, and needed to get treatment for my eating disorder. One of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.

Post-college, I moved to a Pennsylvania town of 10,000 for a magazine internship. It was there God gave me a newfound interest for his Word and Biblical community, plus a friend who to this day is like family to me.

I moved to New York City to pursue a career in journalism and ultimately pursued a relationship with Jesus. In 2015, I was baptized and shared my testimony as an adult with my church.

Sensing a new call on my life from God, I relocated to Nashville for the man I love and a job in full-time ministry—even though I had only been to Nashville once before and never worked in ministry.

And I started this blog, sharing my story and trusting that’s what God wants me to do.

I thought of all these experiences, and I saw God's faithfulness. Anytime I felt afraid and unsure, God was there for me.

I also remembered the countless men and women throughout the Bible who God used when they felt inadequate. He turned to people who seemed totally unqualified by cultural standards: Moses, Joseph, Daniel, Mary, the bleeding woman, Matthew, Peter. I read a quote somewhere about these men and women of the Bible that rang so true for me: God doesn't call the qualified; He qualifies the called.

“Then Moses said to the LORD, “O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither before nor since You have spoken to Your servant; but I am slow of speech and slow of tongue.””

— Exodus 4:10

“But he said, “O my Lord, please send by the hand of whomever else You may send.””

— Exodus 4:13

Moses repeatedly told the Lord to choose someone else to lead the Israelites to the Promised Land, and God kept reminding Moses that he was made for the journey.

Then we have Joseph—a young man sold into slavery by his brothers. He is wrongfully put in prison but eventually becomes ruler of Egypt—and his line of descendants leads to our Messiah, Jesus. Joseph is an unlikely hero. He looked completely unfit to rule Egypt or bring glory to God, but that’s exactly what he did. God qualified him. God didn’t care about how he looked socially or culturally; He cared about Joseph’s heart.

Stories of redemption like this are scattered all over the Bible.

Perhaps the most well-known is that of Mary, the 15-year-old girl chosen by the Father to be Jesus’ mother. She has a choice in the matter, and she boldly steps forward in obedience. Look at what happens in Luke 1 when the angel of the Lord visits her:

“The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.”

Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.”

“How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?”

The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be unable to conceive is in her sixth month. For no word from God will ever fail.”

“I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her.”

Mary is greatly troubled. Can you imagine what she felt learning this news? This was not 2019; this was a time when Mary could have been disowned for a child born outside of marriage. Not to mention, she’s only 15 years old. Yet she steps forward in faith. She trusts God, and she doesn’t let fear hold her back.

One of my favorite biblical stories is that of Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego in the book of Daniel. These boys refuse to worship the king of Babylon, and in doing so, are sent to the fiery furnace to burn alive. Daniel 6 describes how the furnace is so hot that the soldiers who brought these boys to it immediately die. Except the boys don’t die when thrown into the fire. They walk around in the fire with God at their side.

““Look! I see four men, not tied, walking around in the fire unharmed; and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.””

— Daniel 3:25b

They risked their lives in order to serve God, and they are delivered from the fire. What stands out the most to me in this story is how God not only rescues them, but He walks with them through the trial. This is truth that I need to cling to. I need to remember this on a daily basis. God walks with us through fear, anxiety, pain, and suffering. He is still good, no matter what we are feeling or experiencing.

So does birth scare me? Yes.

Will it be worth it? A million times yes.

This is God’s plan for me, and He will be there with me through every second of labor and delivery. He’s called me, and He will qualify me.

I'll get to meet my son. I'll have the gift of becoming a momma, something I don't ever want to take for granted. I picture holding him on my chest moments after he takes his first breath in this world. His dad and I snuggling him with overwhelming thanksgiving for this good and perfect gift.

What It's Really Like Being Pregnant After an Eating Disorder

This may be the most important and more personal piece I’ve written yet—my story of anorexia recovery and now a healthy pregnancy. Head on over to Health.com to read the full piece.

How to Fight Back Against Anxiety

After publishing my last post, a few of you reached out and told me you also struggle with anxiety or that you have had a panic attack this past year, too. You offered encouragement and truth, and for that, I am so very grateful. We weren't made to fight our battles alone, friends. And we weren't made to sit in anxiety, letting it rule over us. God created us for much more than that.

As I've been praying for peace and trust in the Lord's plan in 2019, He has reminded me how important it is to "get up and walk." (John 5:8) I don't see anxiety or panic attacks as sinful, but I do believe we can choose to run after Christ in the midst of those—and that He will sustain us. Below are five practical things that have helped me in the fight against anxiety.

1. Read the Bible.

Spending time in God's Word—daily—is our absolute best weapon against the enemy. Satan wants to bring you down, and he will use any tactic he can get. In 2018, I noticed I was finally experiencing true healing from my eating disorder. With my desire for control no longer being channeled into what I ate, Satan did everything he could to find a new outlet. Fear and worry cropped up in my pregnancy, in my job, and even in whether my home was clean or not. Sometimes I let those fears hold me back from time with God. In 2019, I'm committed to reading the Bible daily. I have seen firsthand how much of a difference that makes. God speaks to us all the time, and He's given us His Word as a direct form of communication. We just have to be willing to listen.

2. Pray.

It sounds easier than it is at times. Talk to God. Share your heart with Him in all its messy, anxious, fearfulness. You don't have to clean yourself up before God. In fact, He wants you to come as you are.

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.”

— 1 Peter 5:6-7

God's yoke is easy and His burden is light. Go to Him.

I often want to Google a solution, phone a friend, or search a book for the comfort I'm looking for. But those times I talk to Jesus first, those are the times I really feel comforted. I can search for answers in a million different places. (And I do.) True peace, however, comes from God alone.

3. Memorize Scripture.

I was in a women's group in 2017 where we memorized two verses of the Bible each week. By the end of the year, we could each recite Ephesians 1 and 2 from memory. That practice changed my life. I was amazed at how much those verses from God's Word would come to mind when I needed Him most.

Since then, I haven't practiced much scripture memory, but it's a spiritual discipline I want to get back to. I know it's a fierce weapon in the fight against anxiety. So pick some verses—or just one—to memorize and be your mantra in those worry-filled moments. Speak truth aloud over yourself and let it soak into every fiber of your being.

Right now, I'm working on Isaiah 41:10:

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

4. Talk to a trusted friend.

Open up to a friend or family member you trust. I've learned that the more you are vulnerable with other people, the more they will be vulnerable with you. You can pray for each other, pray together, and encourage each other in whatever it is you're going through. This person can also serve as an accountability partner. Be honest with them, even if you're feeling guilt or shame. Sometimes this means talking to a counselor or therapist. I’ve spent about eight years in counseling, and I truly believe every one of us could benefit from it. I’m actually looking into counseling again now in Nashville because of how helpful my experience was back in New York.

As Christians, we need a constant cycle of confession and repentance to experience full freedom. Talk to God and talk to your friend.

5. Take a walk.

Go for a stroll, and if you can, leave your phone at home. Enjoy time in God's creation without other distractions. Head to a local trail, go on a hike, or simply walk around your neighborhood. A change of scenery and a bit of movement can be the best thing to help you get out of your own mind. Change your perspective from an inward focus to a greater focus on the Lord.

The less I think of myself, the less I worry. And the more I surrender humbly to God and give things up to Him, the better I feel. No matter what my emotions are, God remains the same. We can depend on Him to provide for us, care for us, and sustain us—even in the darkest hour.

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.

A Word for 2019

Freedom.

Rooted.

Steadfast.

I’ve been choosing a word of the year since 2016. A new word for each year, and each year, God shows up. While I think about the word and pray about it some before officially choosing it, I’m still not really sure in January what it means for me or if it will affect my year ahead. But then God always does beyond what I imagine He will, revealing more of Himself through that word over the next 12 months.

I didn’t spend a lot of time focusing on my word for 2019, because it came to me quickly, and I knew this word was the right one.

Peace.

Peace in my pregnancy, labor and delivery, and parenting.

Peace in my marriage.

Peace in our families and friendships.

Peace financially.

Peace with our jobs.

Peace at home.

Peace in my heart.

Peace with God.

This peace is the opposite of fear, worry, and anxiety. It’s the opposite of turmoil and war. Peace takes work. It takes trust in the Lord and faith in His plan.

The word “peace” occurs more than 400 times in the Bible. Yes, 400.

Try finding “fear” or “anxiety” that many times. Hint: You won’t. And when you do see “fear,” it’s likely referring to the fear of God, a holy reverence and awe of Him, not a feeling of danger.

A few weeks ago my pastor gave a sermon where he referenced Ephesians 2, and it has really stuck with me. He said Jesus Himself is our peace—and that God actually created peace. Meditating on that helps bring me peace. Our God is not a God of worry and anxiety but of peace.

“For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near.”

— Ephesians 2:14-17

God sent his son, Jesus, to defeat sin and Satan. He destroyed the dividing wall of hostility between us and God, and He offers new, eternal life to everyone—simply asking we confess that we need Him and that we believe in Him. The cross that Jesus died for us on reconciles us to God and puts to death the hostility. It can no longer overtake us or rule us. It’s done for good.

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”

— Isaiah 9:6

But Jesus is not.

He rose again and is now seated at the throne in heaven. He came and preached peace to all the ends of the earth. Peace is His mission. Peace is His message, and this is the peace that I want to guide my life.

The last few months of my 2018 haven’t been peaceful. They’ve been full of worry, anxiety, doubt, and fear. They’ve looked much different than what I had expected for newlywed life. My husband and I work opposite schedules. We have a few hours to be together on the weekend, but that’s it. There’s no time for joining a group together through our church or for making new friends. No time for the seemingly little things like having breakfast with each other or even washing the dishes together. We both value quality time as our top love language, so having such different schedules has been trying to say the least. I haven’t always run to God for comfort and peace.

My anxiety has shifted off of my body and food—praise God!—as He has brought significant healing into that area of my life. But when I’m not spending as much time in the Word, in prayer, or in community, the anxiety can crop back up in new ways. In these past few months, I’ve wrestled with anxiety in my pregnancy. I’ve worried about my baby and his health, and I’ve developed a rather intense fear of delivery. I’ve faced anxiety around my job, around Charles’ job, around our home and being “ready” for baby, around our finances, and even around my passion of writing and this blog.

This anxiety culminated last month in a panic attack, a first for me and something I felt woefully unprepared for.

It was terrifying, and I didn’t understand what was happening in the moment. After I calmed down, I fell asleep for over an hour. It was as though my body shut down, refusing to carry the weight of anxiety anymore.

As I’ve been processing through each of these things, I’ve written less and less on this blog. I’ve needed time to work through my thoughts and emotions with God, my husband, and those closest to me.

January feels like a new chapter for me and my little family. I keep thinking about the peace of Christ, and I pray this peace will rule in my heart as I have been “called to live in peace. And always be thankful.” (Colossians 3:15) Gratitude truly does change my perspective. When I focus on my blessings, like thinking about this baby boy as a literal miracle, my fear quickly dissipates. When I remember all The Lord has done for me, how He’s given me a new identity and a firm foundation in Him alone, then the stressors of this world become meaningless. Then all I want is to live for Him and to be more like Him.

I love the story of Jesus calming the storm in Luke 8:22-25:

“One day he and his disciples got into a boat, and he told them, ‘Let’s cross over to the other side of the lake.’ So they set out, and as they were sailing he fell asleep. Then a fierce windstorm came down on the lake; they were being swamped and were in danger. They came and woke him up, saying, ‘Master, Master, we’re going to die!’

Then he got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waves. So they ceased, and there was a calm. He said to them, ‘Where is your faith?’

They were fearful and amazed, asking one another, ‘Who then is this? He commands even the winds and the waves, and they obey him!’”

As I read this passage this week, I noticed the note I had written in the margin: Often we go through storms to experience more of God and more of His glory. He uses the storms to strengthen our faith and trust in Him. But He’s always present in the storm and all-powerful over it.

I imagine God has been waiting for me to come to this point, saying to me, Where is your faith? (Luke 8:25) I have created you for such a time as this. (Esther 4:14) Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. (Jeremiah 1:5) I know the plans I have for you, and I will give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) Now trust in me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5) Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

Okay, Holy Spirit, let’s do this. 2019, I’m ready.

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.

Reflecting on 24 Weeks of Pregnancy

Thank you for all the well wishes, prayers, and congratulations on our baby announcement last month. We are so overjoyed to be expecting a son in the spring and cannot wait to meet this little guy!

A few weeks ago, I asked on my Instagram whether you would be interested in reading a blog post about the realities of pregnancy. And a whopping 100 percent of you said “yes.” (I’m so glad because I was totally going to write about it anyway!)

Pregnancy has been wonderful and miraculous and awe-inspiring, but it has also been hard.

Many days feel like a roller coaster. Yet I never for a second want to complain, and I never want to forget the amazing miracle that this baby is. I have seen second hand the realities of miscarriage, of preterm birth, of babies born too soon. Of infertility and the deep, painful longing for a child in the midst of intense loneliness. I have watched dear friends and family members walk through each of these things. I, too, expected to struggle to get pregnant—I never would have predicted that this would be our story.

Maybe you are reading this, and you desire that child who is not yet in your arms. My heart goes out to you. The Lord hears you and recognizes you. You are not alone. His mercies are new every morning, and his steadfast love never ceases (Lamentations 3:22-23).

If reading about pregnancy in any way is difficult for you, please skip over this post and know I am thinking of you. If you’d like to talk or have a prayer request, please send me a message here.

The week before we found out about the pregnancy, I wrote this on the blog:

I have felt my emotions running the gamut these past few weeks. Anger, frustration, impatience, irritability. I have felt like a hormonal teenager all the time, getting annoyed by the slightest things and allowing a cloud of negativity to hang over my usual sunny self.

Well, now it all makes sense. In the early stages of my pregnancy, I felt crabby, moody, and continually frustrated by little things that normally wouldn’t bother me. Throughout most of my first trimester, I felt excited and joyful about the baby—yet I couldn’t shake the hormonal mood swings. I was up and down; I felt like I was going mad.

The day I took a pregnancy test, I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. I thought I had some sort of stomach bug or maybe food poisoning. It was a Sunday. Charles and I got ready to go to church, and I decided not to eat breakfast like usual. I thought holding off would calm my stomach down. (Spoiler alert: It didn’t.)

As soon as our pastor stood up to preach, I had to rush to the church bathroom, sure I would be sick. Nothing happened. I went out to our car, where I sat with the air conditioning hitting me at full blast. August in Nashville is pretty dang hot, and whatever illness I had was making me even more flushed. Charles came out of the service and drove me home. I looked like a dog with my head out the window during our car ride. We reached a block away from our apartment before I made him slam on the breaks so I could get out of the car and get sick.

At this point, we both still thought I had a stomach bug. Except then the wave of nausea passed, and I was able to eat a light meal. A few hours later, I felt horrible again.

Charles and I looked at each other, having the same thought at the same time.

Could I be… pregnant?

I quickly skedaddled to our nearby grocery store to pick up a pregnancy test.

It was positive.

What does it really mean, though? I’m sure it’s false. I need to take another one.

Cue me driving back to the store to get another test. (Note to self: Next time, buy a pack of tests to have on hand.)

Another positive.

I think after that Charles and I started laughing. Like that soft, excited, is-this-real-life kind of giggle. I still wasn’t convinced I was actually pregnant, but the evidence sitting on the bathroom sink in front of me seemed clear. Times two. We hugged and kissed, and I couldn’t believe how truly happy I felt in that moment.

I never in my life imagined getting pregnant immediately after getting married. In fact, a few years ago, I thought I’d get married in my early 30s, have kids a couple years after that, and just see how things go.

But God slowly changed my heart over the past few years, giving me a stronger desire to be a mom, even though I wasn’t sure what that would look like. I watched as dear friends a few years older than me had their first kids, and my heart melted over and over again holding each one of them.

This has been the year of unexpected expectedness. Of God showing up when I least expected it. Of His faithful steadfastness in the midst of so much change.

These 20-something weeks of pregnancy moved slowly at first and now they are flying by. I felt nauseated and exhausted for the entire first trimester. The mere sight of vegetables was enough to make me gag. And the smell of most meats, except a good beef hamburger, could really set me over the edge. The CrockPot became my enemy. (Just ask my husband—thank you, dear!) I didn’t have much of an appetite. Instead saltines and oyster crackers were my constant companions at work, in the car, and on my nightstand.

As I transitioned into the second trimester, I gained back some of my appetite, although let’s be honest, macaroni and cheese and pizza are still my go-tos. I’ve learned to have grace for myself as I eat way fewer vegetables, exercise a whole lot less, and sleep a lot more. I’m not writing much on this blog or practicing as much yoga or planning as many coffee dates.

My productivity level feels like it’s sunk to a new low—which is when I remind myself I’m actually busy working on the greatest project I’ve ever taken on. My son.

A sweet friend texted me this week:

“He’s already teaching you the selflessness of being a parent… laying down your needs for his.”

And it’s true.

Whenever I feel anxious about not being productive and not “doing enough,” I try to speak that truth over myself. I’m listening to my body and doing exactly what God has called me to do. I’m doing what my baby boy needs me to do.

I feel him kicking me almost every day now. I’ve even seen my belly move up and down as he threw a few punches. He’s getting stronger every week, and we’re predicting he’s going to be quite the athlete. Feeling him inside of me is both crazy and comforting. It doesn’t seem real at times, but I look forward to his little dance every night as I lie in bed.

Pregnancy is difficult. It is uncomfortable. It is overwhelming. There are times when I feel utterly terrified of labor and woefully unprepared to bring a child into this world.

And yet.

I don’t ever question that this is what I was made to do.

Excited. Thankful. Blessed.

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.

The Best Surprise

We’ve been keeping a (little) secret the past few months.

We are having a baby boy!

He is the greatest surprise and blessing of our lives. My son. He is a total gift from God, and I have to remind myself almost daily, Yes this is real. He is real, and He is yours.

Do you remember this blog post I wrote in January about my word of the year, “steadfast”?

"I pray God cultivates steadfastness in me like His son, Jesus. This year, I pray my faith is resolutely firm. I want to be devoted to God no matter the situation or season. His love for us is unwavering—I want that kind of love for Him in return. I know I am prone to worry and anxiety. I like to be in control. But God, I give that to You.”

I wrote this thinking of our upcoming marriage, move to a new neighborhood and a new church, and of my recent job change. I asked for steadfastness through all the changes. As someone prone to worry and fear, I knew I would need to trust in the Lord and find my strength in Him with each change.  So I asked for an unwavering, devoted faith.

Then in August, I checked in with you regarding that word, steadfast. I talked about how my emotions had been all over the place and how I felt like a hormonal teenager, prone to anger, impatience, and irritability. I asked God to help me walk with Him and to see my emotions as a vehicle that points to Him. For steadfast love of Christ in the midst of feeling like I wanted to run away and hide.

I wrote that post one week before we found out we are pregnant.

When I chose that word in January, I had no idea we would be expecting within a few weeks of getting married. Yet here I was, unexpectedly expectant.

God knew the whole time. He knew when I wrote that check-in blog post in August and when I chose that word in January—and way before then. He knows me better than I know myself. This baby was part of his plan all along.

Let me show you.

If you look up “steadfast” in Strong’s Hebrew Dictionary of the Bible, you’ll find this definition:

to nurse, nurture, care for; be a trustee, be a guardian; to be nurtured, cared for; to be faithful, to be trustworthy

Steadfast is how God loves us. He loves us so much that He sent His only son, Jesus, to die for us in the most horrible death that we deserve. He died in our place and rose again, so that by our belief (and belief alone!) we will be saved for eternal life with Him.

He loves us in a way that is unwavering, and He is always faithful. And God gave me that word steadfast because He knew I would be becoming a trustee and a guardian. That I, too, would need to nurse, nurture, and care for. That He would give me a son, a precious child created in His image long before I ever knew about him.

“All the paths of the LORD are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies.”

— Psalm 25:10

This baby is a miracle. We have no doubt about that.

I spent years of my life in a relationship with a terrible eating disorder. Years of my life in a relationship where there was no room for anyone else. Not a boyfriend, not a husband, and certainly not a baby. The eating disorder wreaked havoc on my life, and it took years of counseling and ultimately, true faith in Jesus Christ to finally experience healing. He saved me from my disorder, and He saved me for a life much greater than what I had been living.

With the eating disorder, I was underweight and didn’t have a period naturally for a very long time. From time to time, I would think about my fertility and wonder if I had completely messed up my body. Would I be able to have a child one day? Would I be able to experience pregnancy and childbirth? I honestly wasn’t sure.

Charles knew this during our dating and going into marriage. We both understood the possibility of my not being able to get pregnant, or with us unable to get pregnant for a long time. We have family members who have struggled with infertility, miscarriage, and babies born too soon. He and I are both completely open to adoption, and this was something we talked about early on in our relationship. The realities of pregnancy and childbirth were very clear to us, and we knew any baby given to us would be God’s gift.

What we didn’t know was that God would give us a son within a few weeks of our wedding day. For context, Charles and I didn’t sleep together before we got married. I don’t tell you this to be self-righteous; that was our decision because we knew that’s God’s clear desire for us as believers. I’m sharing this with you because our chances of getting pregnant when we did were relatively small. There were only so many days since our wedding night, if you know what I mean.

We weren’t actively “trying,” and I didn’t have it in my plan to get pregnant right away. For those first few weeks after finding out, I felt a mix of emotions. Thoroughly overjoyed and amazed, yet somewhat guilty that I was pregnant after watching friends and family members who kept trying over and over again, and those who experienced loss.

Why are we the ones who get a baby? Lord, how do I deserve this child?

Because God is God. He is so much greater than we are. He sees the full picture, while we see only a small snippet. He knows what is best, and He works all things according to His purpose for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)

I think the Lord knows I wrestle with anxiety and control, and He decided to take planning for a pregnancy off my plate.

Against all odds, He gave us a baby in His perfect plan, according to His perfect timing.

This tiny miracle is one we will never stop thanking our Father for. We will never stop praising God and sharing the reason our son exists. He’s a precious image-bearer, and we pray he will grow up strong and healthy, loving the Lord with his whole heart. Thank you, Jesus, for this good and perfect gift.

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.