Dear Future Daughter, Part Two

Five years ago, I was living in New York City and figuring out my newfound faith and zeal for the Lord. Five years ago, I was two months into dating my husband and had no idea what the future would hold. Five years ago, I wrote a letter on this blog to my future daughter.

Today I’m resharing that heartfelt letter because the dream of a daughter is no longer some far-off, maybe thing. It’s a God-given reality. We’re having baby number two this summer—a girl.

I still can’t quite believe it. I was completely convinced we were having another baby boy, and that I would always be a boy mom. I was looking forward to (even more) baseballs and fire trucks and playing in the dirt. But God surprised me with this good and perfect gift, and I’m praying now that our son and daughter would be the best of friends—running the race toward Him together.

All glory be to God!

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Dear daughter,

Today is May 11, 2016. I’m sipping my tea, writing to you from my desk in New York City. Yes, The Big Apple; I’ve lived here for three and a half years now. I am 26 years old. I’m not engaged or married, but I write this letter looking toward a future with you in it.

I don’t know when or where I am going to meet you. I don’t know when I’m going to give this to you. What I do know are a few things to be true about you. Things that will never change, no matter the circumstances.

You are, quite simply, a gift.

You make me happier than I ever thought could be. I wondered about you for years and years. Now you’re here, and I don’t know how I lived my life without you.

I spent a long time—too much time—wrestling with fear and doubt, with voices in my head that made me feel unworthy. I listened to those statements. I heard lies that I wasn’t worthy because I wasn’t enough—successful enough, smart enough, pretty enough, good enough. I had my heart broken and discarded. I felt alone, and I didn’t love the woman I was.

“The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.”

— 2 Peter 3:9

That season of my life was difficult, painful, sad. It included many ups and downs. I didn’t know how I’d make it out of the darkness. A family of my own seemed like such a silly desire when I couldn’t seem to take care of myself. I wasn’t sure if I would ever have you. So I put that dream on a shelf, tucked away and collecting dust without much hope for a future.

But I want to tell you today that that season ended. The cold, dark winter melted away, and the world felt a little more like springtime. I began to blossom. I began to hope. I found faith in a God who never really left me, who continually called me back to Him. He watched over me all those years; He was writing my story in the most beautiful way. He gave me a new life that I might one day share that life with you.

Soon enough, the darkness dissipated, the depression diminished, and my anxieties started to fade. The Light of Christ came in, slowly but surely illuminating my world once again.

And I took that dream off the shelf.

I dreamt of you, daughter. I dreamt of your big, bright eyes; your curly hair; your sweet smile and infectious laugh. I dreamt of your tender heart, your wisdom beyond your years, and your generous spirit. I dreamt of the radiant beauty that stemmed from deep down in your soul.

“Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.””

— John 14:6

I dreamt of how I would speak to you, teach you, care for you. The more I dreamt of you, the more I began to love myself. Because dreaming of you helped me think of the woman I was designed to be: wholehearted and full of grace. I thought about how I would care for you and point you back to the Father. I will never lie to you, or say that you are unworthy. I will never tell you that you need to be smarter, be prettier, be better, be more. I can promise you that. So why would I listen to those lies myself? Dreaming of you meant I started talking back to the lies, answering them with truth. I filled the space with God and with you.

I dreamt that you, too, would stand firmly in the Light.

I know there will be times when you experience your own hardship on this earth. The world might try to hurt you. It might even try to break you down. You’re going to fall and feel weak. You’re going to fail. But when you accept Christ, you have steadfast strength and courage within you. That’s the Holy Spirit.

Stand firm in who you are. Remember the things that really matter in this life. Remember that your identity is secure in our great God. Set your heart on all that sheds light.

“For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.””

— Romans 10:13

Your dad and I cherish you more than anything. We praise God for your existence. We know you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139). You are lovely in all your imperfections. You are gifted uniquely and with great purpose—nothing about you is a mistake. From your head to your toes, you are created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).

We are here for you no matter what. You encourage us and make us better people just by being you. I’m so honored to call you mine. I admire you and look at you with more joy than I ever knew possible.

I want you to know one more truth, daughter: Christ’s perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18). He loves us so deeply—so flawlessly—that He enables us to love you in return. I strive to reflect His love to you each day so that you, too, know He’s calling you into His arms, guiding you and protecting you every step of the way.

I love you, sweet girl.

Mom

One Year of Marriage

Marriage is sweet. Marriage is fun. Marriage is refining. Marriage is hard.

My husband and I celebrated one year of marriage a few weeks ago, and there’s just so much I could write about these past 365 days. We began reading 1 Peter and 2 Peter together in June, and during the week of our anniversary, God divinely had us read chapter three.

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you[a] of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

I love this passage, and I think it’s often misinterpreted in our culture. Peter’s call to live with a gentle and quiet spirit doesn’t mean women must never speak or have an opinion. He’s saying beauty is a woman whose heart loves, trusts, and finds full satisfaction in the Lord. True beauty stems from the inside.

Through marriage and now motherhood, I’ve certainly been learning what true beauty looks like—especially on those days (ahem, most days), when I skip the makeup, slip on an old sorority t-shirt, and pull my hair into a top knot.

I’ll be writing another post on beauty and these verses soon, but today I want to focus on marriage.

This past year has been beautiful and sweet and blessed and hard. Before getting married, I remember listening to a sermon from Pastor Matt Chandler in which he said he and his wife Lauren really struggled for the first seven years of their marriage. And I remember reading a book from Jess Connolly, who wrote in detail how she and her husband fought to make ends meet during their early years of marriage, moved in with her parents, and lived a vastly different life than what they had envisioned.

I haughtily thought, That won’t be us. We’ll be married after all that time dating long-distance, and life will be easy.

In fact, Charles and I have also had a year that looked vastly different than what we pictured married life would be. It’s been a year of surprises—both the good and the bad. The year was full of so much change, in our jobs, location, church, and the major transition from newlyweds to new parents. God blessed us in incredible ways. When Charles moved down to Nashville, he got a job within a few weeks, and we were able to move into an apartment in one of our favorite neighborhoods. Shortly after that, we found out we were expecting, and this April, our precious son burst into our lives.

But in the midst of great blessing, we’ve also faced hardship. Over the past year, we’ve had very limited time together because of our job schedules. Quality time is the top love language for both of us, so this lack of togetherness has been extremely difficult. We’ve dealt with unexpected medical issues and surgery, plus the many appointments and bills that come with those. All of this has happened as we’ve been sleep-deprived and physically exhausted, and as I’ve been under the cloud of pregnancy and postpartum hormones.

Our son is 12 weeks old today, and I finally feel like I’m getting a bit more rest and that my hormones are leveling off. I feel more like myself. Charles is doing better, too. We’ve moved from a season of great difficulty to a season of great difficulty but clarity. You see, God has made it abundantly clear to us what He desires for us, both individually and as a family. He’s used this year to strengthen us in ways many couples don’t experience until later in their marriage, if at all.

I remember having a conversation with my dietitian a few months ago, as I sat crying in her office. I was heavily pregnant and feeling overwhelmed, while also missing my husband. She shared with me how she and her husband, now married more than 30 years, faced their own hardship during those early years as young 20-somethings. They got married in college, they didn’t have much financially, and they lived simply. She told me how they’d make date nights special by cooking together and eating a picnic in the living room by candlelight. No television, just a radio to listen to and conversations to have with each other.

She said any difficulties they faced in that season built their marriage early on with a firm foundation in the Lord—and showed them how important it is to simply be together as husband and wife. To talk, to pray, and ultimately to trust in His plan.

And that’s exactly what Charles and I have come to realize. Reading 1 and 2 Peter has helped us see that suffering is not only a normal part of the Christian life, but it’s to be expected. Furthermore, our suffering cannot compare to what Christ suffered. He went through the most horrible death imaginable. Crucifixion was meant to put a person through as much pain as possible while prolonging their death. That’s what Jesus went experienced for us, and He lived His life with eyes focused on the cross—while also knowing He would rise again as our Savior and King. Praise God!

In this year, we’ve seen firsthand God’s grace and mercy. He is the God of restoration, strength, support, and power. (1 Peter 5:10-11) And we know that we shouldn’t be surprised “when the fiery ordeal comes among you to test you as if something unusual were happening to you.”

Our first year of marriage has been an exercise in patience and trusting in the Lord. We’re finally seeing that the difficulties we’re facing right now aren’t out of the ordinary but actually to be expected as we walk through this Christian life. We’re understanding that God’s plan is greater than ours. We’re learning to let Him work and let Him direct our steps.

“A man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD determines his steps.”

— Proverbs 16:9

Peter said it best in his second letter, written just before his death as a charge for believers to beware of idols and sins and to follow Christ wholeheartedly:

“His divine power has given us everything required for life and godliness through the knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” (2 Peter 1:3)

The Lord does not delay His promise (2 Peter 3:9). Whenever we feel lost or impatient in our waiting, we can trust in God, who is patient with us, giving us exactly what we need in His perfect timing.

That’s the truth I now cling to. Even if there are things about this year that I wish were different, I still wouldn’t change them. My husband and I have grown together through the weeds, and we see how God is gently pruning us so we continue to grow and flourish. No matter what we face, we have the great blessing of each other—something we do not take for granted. We know God has given us everything required for life and godliness through His divine power! And we look forward to the many years ahead.