Dear Future Daughter

Dear daughter,

Today is May 11, 2016. I’m sipping my tea, writing to you from my desk in New York City. Yes, The Big Apple; I’ve lived here for three and a half years now. I am 26 years old. I’m not engaged or married, but I write this letter looking toward a future with you in it.

I don’t know when or where I am going to meet you. I don’t know when I’m going to give this to you. What I do know are a few things to be true about you. Things that will never change, no matter the circumstances.

You are, quite simply, a gift.

You make me happier than I ever thought could be. I wondered about you for years and years. Now you’re here, and I don’t know how I lived my life without you.

I spent a long time—too much time—wrestling with fear and doubt, with voices in my head that made me feel unworthy. I listened to those statements. I heard lies that I wasn’t worthy because I wasn’t enough—successful enough, smart enough, pretty enough, good enough. I had my heart broken and discarded. I felt alone, and I didn’t love the woman I was.

That season of my life was difficult, painful, sad. It included many ups and downs. I didn’t know how I’d make it out of the darkness. A family of my own seemed like such a silly desire when I couldn’t seem to take care of myself. I wasn’t sure if I would ever have you. So I put that dream on a shelf, tucked away and collecting dust without much hope for a future.

“The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.”

— 2 Peter 3:9

But I want to tell you today that that season ended. The cold, dark winter melted away, and the world felt a little more like springtime. I began to blossom. I began to hope. I found faith in a God who never really left me, who continually called me back to Him. He watched over me all those years; He was writing my story in the most beautiful way. He gave me a new life that I might one day share that life with you.

Soon enough, the darkness dissipated, the depression diminished, and my anxieties started to fade. The Light of Christ came in, slowly but surely illuminating my world once again.

And I took that dream off the shelf.

I dreamt of you, daughter. I dreamt of your big, bright eyes; your curly hair; your sweet smile and infectious laugh. I dreamt of your tender heart, your wisdom beyond your years, and your generous spirit. I dreamt of the radiant beauty that stemmed from deep down in your soul.

I dreamt of how I would speak to you, teach you, care for you. The more I dreamt of you, the more I began to love myself. Because dreaming of you helped me think of the woman I was designed to be: wholehearted and full of grace. I thought about how I would care for you and point you back to the Father. I will never lie to you, or say that you are unworthy. I will never tell you that you need to be smarter, be prettier, be better, be more. I can promise you that. So why would I listen to those lies myself? Dreaming of you meant I started talking back to the lies, answering them with truth. I filled the space with God and with you.

“Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

— John 14:6

I dreamt that you, too, would stand firmly in the Light.

I know there will be times when you experience your own hardship on this earth. The world might try to hurt you. It might even try to break you down. You’re going to fall and feel weak. You’re going to fail. But when you accept Christ, you have steadfast strength and courage within you. That’s the Holy Spirit.

“For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.””

— Romans 10:13

Stand firm in who you are. Remember the things that really matter in this life. Remember that your identity is secure in our great God. Set your heart on all that sheds light.

Your dad and I cherish you more than anything. We praise God for your existence. We know you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139). You are lovely in all your imperfections. You are gifted uniquely and with great purpose—nothing about you is a mistake. From your head to your toes, you are created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).

We are here for you no matter what. You encourage us and make us better people just by being you. I’m so honored to call you mine. I admire you and look at you with more joy than I ever knew possible.

I want you to know one more truth, daughter: Christ’s perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18). He loves us so deeply—so flawlessly—that He enables us to love you in return. I strive to reflect His love to you each day so that you, too, know He’s calling you into His arms, guiding you and protecting you every step of the way.

I love you, sweet girl.

Mom

---

If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.

Giving Up Is A Very Good Thing

The best vacation of my life ended one week ago. After nine wonderful days in Ireland, my body is finally re-adjusted to the Eastern timezone, and I’ve had a few days to reflect on the time that was.

I loved spending time with relatives, and I loved my lack of phone service. I didn’t check my work email at all. I checked my personal email maybe twice. I sent a few iMessages and made two FaceTime calls, but that was it. I disconnected as best as I could. So while I had a jam-packed trip with plenty to do and plenty of people to see, I actually felt like I had a chance to breathe for the first time in a long time.

I could finally exhale.

I could relax. I had a break from real life, and with 3,000 miles between me and NYC, I could more easily see how gosh-darn hectic my life in the city really is.

I believe that right now New York City is precisely where God has me. He uses us where we are, with what we have, regardless of where that puts us on the map. Our God is not in the accidents business; He knows what He’s doing. I see Him doing big things here, within my church, my community, my apartment, and even this blog.

It's why I want to continue to invest and root myself in this place, as I have been doing the past three years, for the amount of time I have left here—however long that may be. But the relief I felt and the weight that was lifted off of me by a little more than a week in Ireland is a clear sign that I need to cultivate more rest in my regular rhythms of life in New York.

My relatives in Ireland live life more simply. I recognize this is partly because they live in a more rural area than I do. Yet ultimately, they know what’s important: family, friends, faith. They cook together and spend hours gathered together, eating the freshest farm-to-table food you’ve ever tasted, drinking cups upon cups of Barry’s tea, and telling stories that will make you laugh until your side hurts.

That’s not to say they don’t work. In fact, the Irish work very hard. They have their day jobs and still many come home to tend to their livestock and farms at night. A major difference I noticed between their lives and mine is that they leave work at work. Each home is a little oasis. They don’t have their phones, tablets, and computers out all the time. They're aren't glued to their screens. (Unless they’re 15 years old and using Snapchat.) They were present. So I was present, too.   

I am working on being more in tune to the current moment and living a simpler life in New York. I pray each activity I do is life-giving and allows me to become more like Christ. I want to start focusing on the activities that help me grow into a more Godly woman, and the activities that I truly enjoy, not the ones that I think I have to do in order to look accomplished or to be accepted. I will spend my time with friends who I love, and who love me in return. Friends who challenge me and call me out when I need it. Friends who encourage me and who I can in turn speak truth to.

If there’s anything else Ireland taught me, it’s how to give up control. Letting go of control was what my week in the countryside was all about. I had to surrender my wants and my plans—to my family, my hosts, the weather, the travel. I had to be flexible and adapt. People say never give up, but in reality giving up can be a very good thing. And what do you know? Letting go lets me enjoy the present, too. (Those Irish sure know what they're doing.)

Unpredictability and shattered plans are two of my least favorite things. So, yes, there were certainly times in Ireland when I wasn’t as flexible as I wished I would have been. I remember a Sunday night when my sister and I were hungry and couldn’t find a place open for dinner after 5 p.m. I became, ahem, hangry. How could nothing be open? I resolved myself to trail mix and a Guinness. But my dad, being the logical one (thanks Dad!), asked our hotel concierge if there was any food left in the kitchen—within minutes, he arrived with freshly made sandwiches for my sister and me. Problem solved. I didn’t need to control the situation or figure out the perfect solution. It all worked out.

I didn’t plan out my itinerary, or my social calendar, or even my blog posts while in Ireland. For 90 percent of the time, I went with the flow—and it was good.

I let other people take the wheel (figuratively and literally, no way am I driving on the left side of the road). I let people pick out the restaurants and coffee shops and attractions.

Relinquishing my control was healthy and provided the opportunity to be aware, to enjoy the now.

From where I stand today, I am the exact same woman I was before going on vacation—except I feel brighter and refreshed. I didn’t lose myself. My experience was probably the opposite. I gained clear perspective and freedom, something I set out to do at the beginning of this year. I think God wants the same thing for each of us, to give up. Give up our worries, our fears, our concerns. Give over our hopes and our dreams. I have a hard time doing that. It requires a great deal of courage, and a whole lot of trust to know that having His hand in control is way better than my own.

The Lord is continuing to show me the fruits of surrender, the fruits of letting go. He did so with my new apartment, with my new relationship, and now with Ireland. He’s helping me to loosen my grip and enjoy all He has provided for me in this very moment.

Giving up means I can let go of the things that end up controlling me. My life looks simpler, and my day-to-day includes more rest, more restoration, more presence in the present. I can let go and let God.

I’m going to need you to check in with me on this, though, okay? I can guarantee situations will crop up that test my new-found ease and trust. Your prayers for continued surrender are always appreciated.

My own prayer as of late is short but sweet:

God, don’t give me what I want but give me Your best.

I’m giving up to get His best, to be fully engaged in the life He's given me right now, and I am more than okay with that.

---

If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.

How Majestic Is Your Name

If you've been following along on my Instagram, you probably saw that I spent the last nine days in the land of rolling green hills and shamrocks. Ireland's beauty blew me away. (Believe me, it took a lot of restraint to not post all of the 200-plus photos that I snapped.) 

My family and I traveled to the Motherland to visit relatives, so I knew most of my time there would be spent living like a local and I was pretty pumped for it. But the one site I simply had to see was the Cliffs of Moher. They've been on my bucket list long before this vacation even came about, and I knew I had to make it there before the trip ended. 

Our sweet cousins drove us to the Cliffs last week. I am still thinking of the place and looking at the photos in awe. The whole time standing at the Cliffs, I kept saying, "Wow." They're beautiful, awe-inspiring, wondrous, glorious, majestic, and untouched. Like a bit of heaven here on Earth. 

As my dad and I stood there, I said, "How can someone see this and not believe in God?" It's too unbelievable to have come from man's hands or some random act of science. How awesome that the God who created all of this is the very same One who loves me, who knows me, and who cares for me in the smallest of details? He created me, just as He created this vast ocean and these glorious cliffs. 

Rather than write a long blog post trying to come up with more adjectives for "beautiful," I'd rather leave you with the words of Psalm 8. A poetic love song for creation. Scripture just says it best, you know?

"Lord, our Lord, 

how majestic is your name in all the earth! 

You have set your glory

in the heavens. 

Through the praise of children and infants

you have established a stronghold against your enemies, 

to silence the foe and the avenger. 

When I consider your heavens, 

the work of your fingers, 

the moon and the stars, 

which you have set in place, 

what is mankind that you are mindful of them, 

human beings that you care for them? 

You have made them a little lower than the angels

and crowned them with glory and honor. 

You made them rulers over the works of your hands; 

you put everything under their feet:

all flocks and herds, 

and the animals of the wild, 

the birds in the sky,

and the fish in the sea, 

all that swim the paths of the seas.

Lord, our Lord, 

how majestic is your name in all the earth!"

The Day After Easter

"Christ is risen from the dead.

We are one with Him again.

Come awake, come awake,

Come and rise up from the grave.

Oh death! Where is your sting?

Oh hell, where is your victory?

Oh church, come stand in the light.

Our God is not dead; 

He's alive, He's alive!"

I can't believe it's been one year since I sang those words on Easter Sunday during my baptism. One year ago, I publicly gave my life to Christ at my church and shared my story with the congregation. My mom and my sister travelled to New York City to be with me on Easter. In fact, my mom video taped the whole thing—I watched the video back last night and teared up a bit. Having she and my sister there is something I will never forget.

I was floored by all the other friends and family who surrounded me during that special day, and how even more people reached out when they couldn't be there in person. We celebrated after the service with a homemade Easter brunch, and as I looked around all I could think was, God is so good. 

Thank you to everyone who was present both physically and in spirit that day. I was touched by each and every one of you.

Last Easter, I let the words of Colossians guide my testimony as I stood in front of the church, living as one made alive in Christ. 

“You have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.”

— Colossians 3:10

The verse is in the present tense. He is renewing us, and he will continue to do so. I felt the immense power of that word on Easter, and the Lord has brought even more life and light into my world since then. 

He provided new roommates, a new apartment, and a new community. He gave me a new job and helped me let go of my pride. He healed my broken heart, and He cultivated in me a sense of true rest and contentment. 

Easter is a tangible reminder of all of these things.

Yet today is the day after Easter. The extra vibrant worship music has faded to the background. The church is back to normal. And if you live in New York City, it's raining and windy and cold. It doesn't feel as joyous and hopeful as Easter felt. Maybe today you're back to work, back to reality, and life feels a little like it's dragging.

I saw someone post on Instagram this morning about how she feels let down after Easter—like we celebrate this hugely important day and then the day after, and the days to follow, feel as though we're back to the valley. Back to real life. Back to a world that feels hopeless and dark. 

I think her sentiment is one many of us share.

I'm here to tell you that Easter is as much today as it was yesterday, as it is every day of the year. 

The gloriousness that is Easter reigns forever. To comprehend that, we have to take it back to the beginning. When God created heaven and earth, it was perfect. Adam and Eve were perfect. When they sinned, we became sinners, too. As the pastor I heard on Good Friday said, "Before we can understand what was done for us on the cross, we have to see what was done by us."  

God took on flesh as Jesus, a perfect human man who actually lived and walked the earth as one of us. He went to the cross because we are the ones who deserved it. Not Him. Us. He took that on himself. He died a terrible death for you, and for me. He bore the wrath that we deserve.

Why would he do that?

Because he loves us. Plain and simple.

The best news: God didn't stop there. He went one step further. Jesus rose from the dead and ascended to the throne in heaven. In doing so, he granted us eternal life!

All I can say to that is, Wow.

The light we experience on Easter shines brightly for us every single day. We have ultimate peace, hope, and joy because of Easter. It's a peace we won't find anywhere else. Nothing will fulfill and satisfy in the way that our God, Jesus Christ, does. And he gives us His love and protection completely free of charge. 

Easter means we have access to everlasting glory. Easter means we have a deep comfort and assurance that transcends any gloomy Monday. Easter means we can enter into a relationship with God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. It's the greatest relationship we'll ever have.

So come awake, come awake!

He is risen, and He is here with us even when Easter is long over.

---

If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.