Why I'm Not Losing Weight for My Wedding

We are 2 weeks away from getting married as I write this post. I've lost all hope of focusing on anything else during the next 14 days. We are so very excited and cannot wait to be husband and wife.

According to most bridal magazines, women's websites, and social media influencers, I should be hard at work to make sure I'll look my very best on the big day. I should be amping up my workout routine, focusing especially on my arms, shoulders, back, abs, and butt. I should be changing my diet, eating "cleaner" and preventatively dropping the weight that I'll surely put on as a newlywed. By now, I should have already considered fillers for my forehead lines, chemical peels to eradicate any acne, and regular facials to ensure my skin is on-point. 

Oh, and one week before my wedding, a popular beauty magazine instructs that I should: 

"Cut out salt, dairy, sugar, and bread. Oh, and booze. Sorry! It is all in the name of depuffing."

Okaaaaay then.

I should feel completely overwhelmed with the number of to-dos I'm supposed to be managing.

Praise God, I don't.

I have adopted a waxing schedule, and I've been getting regular haircuts. Other than that, I haven't done much outside of the ordinary. I definitely felt the pressure when we first got engaged to start working on myself. I'd be lying if I said I don't want to look my best on June 8. I want to look and feel my most beautiful, of course! 

Today I feel the most beautiful I've ever felt, and I've done the complete opposite of almost all the "suggested" courses of action. After years of struggling with an at-one-point life-threatening eating disorder, I've experienced healing and restoration in so many ways. The thing that could have derailed my entire life is what God used to set me on the right track. His track.

Since moving to Nashville a year and a half ago, I feel like I've been coming back to life. I never expected to move here, but God plucked me out of NYC, brought me here, and connected me with the most amazing eating disorder dietitian and counselor. He placed me at an incredible church, grew my relationship with Charles, and brought more freedom into my life than I knew was possible. 

If you go back to 2015 and read this blog when I first started, I think you can see it. This blog was my diary of sorts. it still is, but today God gives me the words from His word. I was a different person at 25... and certainly at 24, 23, and 22... than I am today at 28. The woman I was then was not in a place to get married. Today I am prepared and beyond excited to make this covenant with Charles. God has grown me in amazing ways.

For this growth to happen, I've had to let go. one of the biggest things I've had to let go of is my weight. Surrender my weight and that number, surrender my jean size, my food choices, my grocery list, my exercise routine, my innate tendency to be go go go. I've had to give up the things I held tightly to for so long and things I let define me in many ways.

I liked when people said, "You're so skinny," and "You could be a model" and "I wish I could look like you. What's your secret?"

My secret was a life-threatening eating disorder called anorexia.

I held those affirmations very closely. That was part of my identity.

But when Jesus enters your life, there's no room for double identities. To know who I am, I have to look to Him. This isn't something that happened overnight. This is years of God knocking on the door of my heart:

"Hey, Mags, I have better for you. This isn't you. I have a whole full life for you. But you've got to give me all of you."

Slowly, I gave Him pieces of my life. Leaving NYC and the active lifestyle that helped keep me at an artificially low weight, as well as an environment that rewarded that, was a huge step. Now, my recovery is the best it has ever been. I know the Lord has been building me up, and the only way I've begun to be the woman He's designed me to be is by gaining weight.

Weight restoration has brought life behind my eyes again. Weight restoration has cleared my brain fog and provided clarity in my thoughts. Weight restoration has given me confidence, self-esteem, and empowerment. Weight restoration has brought joy to my life. It has prepared me to be a wife to Charles—to serve him and serve God, not be mastered by the eating disorder. Weight restoration is setting me up to hopefully have a baby and be a mom one day.

So today I'm not losing weight for my wedding. I'm restoring it. I'm putting on any of the weight I was always designed by God to have. I'm continuing to push forward in my recovery even when the world is telling me to to do the opposite. And it's tough! But I know He didn't create me to be obsessed with my body, my plate, my wardrobe. He created me for far greater things than that. My pride pales in comparison to the beauty God has in store.

I believe I would never have experienced this abundant life without saying to God,

"Okay, Lord. You can have this. Take the weight, take my body, my life. I'm Yours. If an abundant life means 5, 10, 20, or however many more pounds, then, God that's what I want."

When I stand next to Charles and before Christ on our wedding day, I will praise Him for the eternal life we have in Him. We have a great hope and a future that's secure—that has nothing to do with my body size or shape.

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.

Get Up and Walk

Now Peter and John were going up together to the temple complex at the hour of prayer at three in the afternoon. And a man who was lame from birth was carried there and placed every day at the temple gate called Beautiful, so he could beg from those entering the temple complex. When he saw Peter and John about to enter the temple complex, he asked for help. Peter, along with John, looked at him intently and said, “Look at us.” So he turned to them, expecting to get something from them. But Peter said, “I don’t have silver or gold, but what I have I give you: In the name of Jesus Christ the Nazarene, get up and walk!”

Then, taking him by the right hand he raised him up, and at once his feet and ankles became strong. So he jumped up, stood, and started to walk, and he entered the temple complex with them — walking, leaping, and praising God. All the people saw him walking and praising God, and they recognized that he was the one who used to sit and beg at the Beautiful Gate of the temple complex. So they were filled with awe and astonishment at what had happened to him. — Acts 3:1-10

Faith in the name of Jesus changes lives.

As I read Acts 3 this week, I was struck by this passage about a man who’s healed. He’s not only healed, but he becomes strong. He has spent his entire life disabled, begging at the gates of the temple. That’s when Peter and John come across him. It’s after the resurrection of Jesus, and they’re traveling around Jerusalem to preach the Good News.

They find this man, and he turns to them—expecting money, food, or something material. But he receives a gift beyond a small token. He receives complete healing. This man is restored!

I don’t know about you, but when I read that, I get chills. 

Peter tells this man, in the name of Jesus, to get up and walk. And there’s an exclamation point at the end of the sentence. This isn’t some passive suggestion that the man stretch out his legs and try taking a gentle stroll. No. This is a command to rise up and boldly walk in full strength. 

I know this man’s story firsthand because it’s like my story. I am in the best place mentally, emotionally, and physically than I have been in a long time. Actually, ever. I praise God for that. While, yes, I’ve been in counseling, and I’ve prioritized my health, these are not the reasons for my recovery from my eating disorder. Recovery without Christ is empty. He’s the one who has brought healing into my life. 

He’s making me more like Him with each passing day. My biggest prayer as of late is that I would know Him more. That I would love Him more and walk out the calling He’s given me.

Because, as believers in Jesus, we are free, even if we don’t experience the fullness of that freedom on this side of heaven. We get to experience sanctification—being refined and becoming more and more like Jesus with each passing day. We might not have perfect health or happiness here on earth, but we can trust that God is restoring us until we meet Him in heaven. 

While I’m in the best place recovery-wise that I’ve ever been, I’ve also been experiencing a lot of digestive stress and discomfort the past few months. I’m working with doctors to find some relief, and it is getting better. The more I shift focus off of myself, the better I actually feel. Intense nausea, acid reflux, bloating, stomach pain—these symptoms all serve as reminders that I cannot control everything, as much as I may try.

Surely you know someone in your life who was diagnosed with an illness out of the blue. It makes no sense. We can’t understand the why. And sometimes we’re not going to. The thing is: God is still faithful. He is still good. God can heal and does heal every single day. Nothing is impossible with God (Luke 1:37). No matter how much we manipulate, plan, and hyper-organize our lives, we are not in control.

What we are in control of is our response to God’s call.

He has true power and might. He is sovereign. He sees our pain, our suffering, and our frustrations. Guess what? He knows what all of that feels like. 

Charles and I been talking a lot lately about how Jesus is both fully God and fully man. We've been reading the books of Mark and John, where Jesus walked on Earth leading up to His death and resurrection. We’re struck by Jesus' utter humanness. He was perfect. He was without sin. He was and IS God. 

But He also went through intense pain, hurt, and suffering. He experienced deep loneliness. He was separated from God the Father, and He was abandoned by many of the people He came to save here on earth. They put Him to death, a death He knew was coming. Yet He still loved the and still showed them his might power and grace.

In John 6, Jesus feeds the five thousand. You know the story: He miraculously makes five loaves of bread and two fish enough food to feed five thousand people, plus leftovers!

“‘I am the bread of life,’ Jesus told them. ‘No one who comes to me will ever be hungry, and no one who believes in me will ever be thirsty again. But as I told you, you’ve seen me, and yet you do not believe.’”

— John 6:35-36

He asks us to believe. Our belief informs our faith. We take His word as true. Jesus extends great hope and eternal life to His disciples, yet many desert Him:

“From that moment many of his disciples turned back and no longer accompanied him. So Jesus said to the Twelve, ‘You don’t want to go away too, do you?’”

— John 6:67

That "do you" coming from Jesus reminds me He felt the same things we do when we are lonely and afraid. He understands that pain. He was tempted in every way as we are—yet He is perfect. He emphasizes with us and our weaknesses in a way  no one else can. No matter how alone we feel, we are never alone with Jesus. No matter how much pain or suffering you experience, you’re never out of God’s grasp. 

He can heal any illness—mental, physical, emotional, spiritual—in an instant. We need to believe it.

Even if we don’t find full healing right here, right now, we can trust in His full restoration in His kingdom. He’s the bread of life, providing everything we need and then some. He’s given us a holy calling to live out regardless of circumstance. He’s given us strength and courage. 

He commands us to get up and walk! Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, sharing our testimonies about Jesus to others. Testimony means “do it again.” I want to trust in Jesus to do what He did in Acts 5 and John 6 again and again and again. He’s so much greater than we can comprehend, and His will will be done.

God Is Up To Something

Guys. It feels like forever since I’ve written. In reality, it’s been twenty-four days—and in blog terms, that’s an eternity. My goal for 2017 is to write to you weekly. This blog has been a blessing and helped me connect with so many of you who I otherwise would not have. I love hearing your stories, answering your questions, and hopefully giving you some encouragement as you continue about your life exactly where you are. This space is part of my ministry, one I pray God grows and uses in the days, weeks, and months to come. His plan is bigger than I can comprehend, and I’m excited to be even a small part of it.

I am bursting with stories to tell you and lessons to share. I’ve let the blog take a back seat throughout November, instead focusing on being present in my new job, new church, and new home. I’ve focused on relationships here, and I’ve focused on my relationship with the Lord. In doing so, 

He keeps putting the word “restore” on my heart.

Restore (v.) — to give back or return. To put or bring back into existence or use. To repair or renovate so as to return to its original condition. Synonyms: recreate, refresh, revitalize, revive, renew.

I have been hearing “restore” over and over again. It started as a whisper and then this week grew louder and louder. I took that as a signal that it was time to write y’all a new blog post.

I’m in a season of restoration, and God is sweetly showing me what this looks like in various areas of my life.

As many of you already know, I’m a big proponent of counseling. I met with a Christian counselor regularly in New York City for the past three years and really believe everyone could benefit from a good counselor. Saying goodbye to my counselor when I moved brought me to tears. She had been with me through so much: moves, job changes, love, heartache. She counseled me as I decided to publicly affirm my faith in Christ through baptism. She watched and supported as I launched this blog. She’s been there through every up and down; my relationship with the Lord and my character as a woman of God grew under her. He had His hand on our counseling relationship, blessing it from the very start. I experienced tremendous healing from my eating disorder, anxiety, depression. And I became a true woman of the Lord.

As soon as I accepted the call to Nashville, I started looking for a counselor in the area. Through praying and consulting with those who know my story, I felt that a nutrition counselor was the best route to go. Finding one was at first an arduous process. It seemed as though I kept hitting dead ends. I actually broke down in tears one day over it.

My doubt and frustration was short-lived, though. A friend recommended her nutritionist here, and the rest is history. We’ve met twice so far; I know she’s part of the reason God has me here in Tennessee. She’s a nutritionist, a counselor, and a Christian. She knows what’s up. She just gets it. And she believes she can help guide me to full freedom, healing, and restoration from any remaining chains of the eating disorder that almost killed me eight years ago.

She used the word “restoration” on day one. That’s her goal for me. Restoration to the full woman of God I was created to be. Fearfully and wonderfully made. Knit together before birth with a name written in the stars. It’s a restoration both physical and spiritual. It’s a process I am excited about and believe God is equipping me to walk through.

In Acts 3, Peter heals a lame beggar. He speaks to all who watch him do so, reminding them this is possible through faith in Jesus Christ, whom God raised from the dead. He goes on,

“And now, brothers, I know that you did it in ignorance, just as your leaders also did. But what God predicted through the mouth of all the prophets—that His Messiah would suffer—He has fulfilled in this way. Therefore repent and turn back, so that your sins may be wiped out, that seasons of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, and that He may send Jesus, who has been appointed for you as the Messiah. Heaven must welcome Him until the times of the restoration of all things, which God spoke about by the mouth of His holy prophets from the beginning."

The Bible tells us we can expect a restoration of all things. Over and over again, we see that God is making all things new! This doesn't only apply to our physical bodies; it applies to our entire lives. He will create a new heaven and a new earth, and the former things shall not be remembered or come to mind (Isaiah 65:17). I began researching this theme in the Word and found such hope in the fact that He is renewing everything. Truly everything.

I was thinking a lot about the idea of restoration, and the next thing I know, I find out my church is doing a Christmas series called All Things New. Yes, really.

Shortly after that, a different friend of mine mentions Isaiah 43:19 during a completely unrelated conversation.

“Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.”

— Isaiah 43:19

I never told her “restore” was on my heart, yet here she was talking to me about a passage on renewing, reviving, and restoring.

God is up to something.

I want to tell you: Wherever you are in this very moment, know that God is doing a new thing. If you are reading this with a broken and lonely heart because the one you love doesn’t reciprocate, take comfort in the fact that God is doing a new thing. If you are wondering how you’ll make it through the holidays this year, remember that He is making a way in the wilderness. If you are questioning whether God will give you some relief from your chronic illness, know that He is bringing about the restoration of all things.  

I’m not sure when or how He will restore. I do think it’s something He’s actively doing and will fulfill in the ultimate sense when we reach His kingdom.

Yet on this Earth, He will not leave us hanging. He who made you will not forget you. Do not be afraid.

Restoration is coming, and it is beautiful beyond our wildest dreams.

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.