How to Handle Conflict Well
Photo by Renee Fisher on Unsplash
I don’t like conflict. I don’t like arguments or drama. I don’t think many people do. Yet even as believers, we will have conflicts with one another. We will fight, and we will cause hurts.
Thankfully, scripture shows us how to treat one another and how to handle conflicts when they arise. This is something I am still learning how to do well. As Jesus says to the scribes and Pharisees in John 8:7, “The one without sin among you should be the first to throw a stone at her [the adulteress].” Jesus is the only perfect one. He’s the only one without sin. So even when we feel wronged by others, we have to remember that we’re far from perfect.
I’m a sinner, and I know I have hurt people in the past and will hurt people in the future. But I want to be a peacemaker. I want to handle conflict well. Ultimately, I want to follow the example of Christ.
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.”
These seven tips will help you resolve conflict in a healthy way. (Other suggestions? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.)
1. Pray.
“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”
I often want to make lists, talk things out, read an article, or somehow try to solve a problem on my own before I turn to God. But prayer needs to come first. Prayer is how we talk to God and how He speaks to us.
Ask Him for wisdom and discernment. Ask for grace, compassion, and the words to say to your friend. Then ask for Him to shine a light on your own sin.
2. Examine your own heart.
“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?”
This one is tough. I’m thankful for friends who hold me accountable and remind me that I am a sinner, too. Jesus is the only perfect man—who’s also fully God. When you feel hurt or wronged by someone, examine your own heart, too. We all likely have a log in our own eyes.
3. Address it without delay.
Even though it might feel uncomfortable, address the conflict as soon as possible rather than putting it off. Doing so is better for your relationship in the long run. Trust me, I’ve learned this the hard way. You don’t want bitterness and resentment to crop up and slowly take over like weeds. Address things quickly, honestly, and courageously face-to-face—or at least on the phone. Please, no texting.
4. Listen.
Hopefully your friend is willing to talk to you to resolve this conflict. When they do, make sure you listen genuinely. Let them say what they need to say, even if it feels awkward for you. Listen and give them your full attention.
5. Confess and repent.
I have been studying the book of John over the past few weeks, and I have been especially struck by Jesus’ restoration of Peter in John 21. Peter had denied Jesus three times before His death. But when He returns resurrected, Jesus gives Peter three opportunities to state His love (or deny Him again). Peter declares his love and faith.
“Lord you know everything; you know that I love you,” Peter says.
Peter has repented, and the Lord offers bold forgiveness and mercy. If we are to follow the example of Jesus, then we, too, are to confess and repent. “I’m sorry” are two simple words that go a very long way.
6. Forgive.
“For if you forgive others their offenses, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don’t forgive others, your Father will not forgive your offenses.”
Holding a grudge is a surefire way to destroy a relationship, not to mention your own emotional and spiritual health. As believers, we know that we have been forgiven much. Our Father has forgiven us for our sins, and He will continue to forgive us for future sins. We have done nothing to deserve this!
“But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
When I meditate on that verse, I am so convicted. Jesus washes my sins away and offers me a clean slate every single day. He shows his grace and mercy. I’m not saying you need to condone continual, purposeful, unrepentant sin. But I am saying you need to forgive. If we are to live out the Lord’s command as light in this world, we have to forgive.
I’ve had broken relationships in my life where I held onto hurt, pain, and blame for years. When I finally was able to forgive, I experienced freedom like never before. Keep praying God would soften your heart and cultivate tenderness leading to forgiveness.
7. Propose a solution.
Explain how much the person means to you. Share how you value them and their friendship. Then propose a solution to move forward. Affirming the other person is crucial. You’re letting them know you love them, even after the hurts you’ve (both) experienced.
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
My Testimony
Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe.
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.
Today is the day after Easter, and we have a snowstorm here in Colorado. It hasn’t stopped snowing since early yesterday morning. Although I was hoping for the spring weather like we had just last week, I have to say a snowy Easter is pretty fitting. I’ve been singing “Jesus Paid It All” on repeat and reflecting on Isaiah 1:18:
“Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.”
One of my bridesmaids sang this beautiful hymn at our wedding. I couldn’t keep it together to sing with her. I cried because this hymn is my story. My sin left a crimson stain, but Jesus washed me white as snow. He has made me a new person.
Jesus changed my life.
If you’ve been around my blog for a bit, you’ve probably learned parts of my testimony. I’ve struggled for years with anxiety, fear, control, approval, and perfectionism. At my worst, I almost died from an eating disorder. But God intervened. He opened my eyes, and He brought me healing. I’m now a wife and mom, and I honestly can’t believe all God has done in the past decade.
He is the God of miracles. The God who saves.
This is the story throughout Scripture, and it’s my story, too.
Hope in a Time of Restlessness
The coronavirus is not a surprise to God. He is almighty, all-powerful, and all-knowing. God is who He says He is, and He really can be trusted.
Raise your hand if you’re feeling restless.
I’m willing to bet you’re holding both hands up high.
During this time of the coronavirus pandemic and social distancing, we’re all feeling a bit stir-crazy in our homes. It’s important to keep perspective and do our part to prevent the spread of this potentially fatal virus. And if you’re healthy, remember that the elderly and immune-compromised thank you.
Restlessness isn’t fun, but restlessness can be a gift.
God has taught me so much about restlessness this past year as a stay-at-home mom. I’ve had to adjust my definition of productive. I’ve had to see the value in spending more time at home and doing seemingly little things that often feel invisible. Last fall I wrote about my transition from career woman to stay-at-home mom. Here’s an excerpt:
I love being a SAHM. I love staying home with my son, and I feel incredibly grateful to have the opportunity to do so. I know this isn’t the case for many moms who desire to stay home but need two incomes to support their families. While, yes, we’ve had to make some financial sacrifices—like continuing to rent rather than buying a home and driving one car rather than two—the choice has been easy. This is what is best for our family.
Yet the prideful, approval-loving part of my heart still felt wounded when I was straight-up told no to my offer to work remotely. Since handing in my resignation letter, I’ve reached out to my editorial contacts to begin writing again, something I very much love to do. I’ve either been denied or ignored, and it’s frustrating.
Working is what I’ve done my whole life—from school to college to full-time career woman in NYC and Nashville. It’s what I know. It’s what’s comfortable. I enjoy working, and I am constantly striving to be “successful.” (Goodness, whatever that means.) I also tend to compare myself to others, so when I’ve been asked what my son and I do all day, I instantly turn from confident to sheepish.
I felt like I had to justify the statement, “I’m a stay-at-home mom.” But I truly feel proud of my job now—not sheepish. I’ve had months to process my new vocation. Through it, the Lord has prepared me for this time of social distancing and isolation and provided perspective I can now share with you.
Our worth doesn’t come from our jobs, our bank accounts, the number of groups and activities we engage in, or how much we check off our to-do lists. It doesn’t depend on our children’s behavior or education. Not on our social life or relationship status. Not even on the cleanliness or organization of our homes.
It’s way too easy to get wrapped up in these things and ultimately find our identity in them. I didn’t realize until I decided to stay home after having my son that my sense of worth was intimately entwined with my writing, my full schedule, and my approval from others. I don’t like to be still. I don’t like to rest. I want to move and be on the go. This striving and impulse for achievement is rooted in my desire to control. I want to be in charge, and I want to do things my way. God has been stripping me of this control for years, reminding me He is in charge and He is worthy of my trust.
Maybe He’s teaching you the same thing through COVID-19.
We value our control, freedom, and autonomy—just as Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. Rather than trusting in the Lord and the provision He established for them, they took matters into their own hands. They ate the forbidden fruit. They questioned God’s goodness.
“Now the serpent was the most cunning of all the wild animals that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You can’t eat from any tree in the garden’?”
The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat the fruit from the trees in the garden. But about the fruit of the tree in the middle of the garden, God said, ‘You must not eat it or touch it, or you will die.’”
“No! You will not die,” the serpent said to the woman. “In fact, God knows that when you eat it your eyes will be opened and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” The woman saw that the tree was good for food and delightful to look at, and that it was desirable for obtaining wisdom. So she took some of its fruit and ate it; she also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.”
Did God really say that?
Is God really good?
Can He really be trusted?
We’ve been wrestling with these questions since the beginning of time. But Jesus, God’s own son, went to the cross and answered “Yes” to those questions a million times over.
He is really good, and He really can be trusted.
The coronavirus is not a surprise to Him. He is almighty, all-powerful, and all-knowing. What if this awful virus is the thing that He’s using to bring you back to himself? To finally force you to surrender to Him and live in light of the good news?
What if He wants you to stop your striving and rest in Him?
I know this is all easier said than done. I’m still learning, too. But I believe in God’s Word, and I believe He is who He says He is. I’m praying for health and healing throughout the world. I’m praying for miracles. I’m praying more people come to know the Lord personally and begin to live their lives for Him because of this virus. I’m praying God’s glory would be undeniable. I’m praying for you.
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
When You Can't Sleep
At least one of us is sleeping like a baby.
Sleep. Precious, precious sleep.
I can’t remember the last time I had a good night’s sleep or a night of sleep where I didn’t wake up to either a crying baby or a mind running wild. Eight hours of sleep sounds like a dream.
Chances are you’re in the same camp as me. Maybe you have a hard time falling asleep, staying asleep, or quieting your thoughts. Maybe you also have children who wake up throughout the night. Or maybe you live in an apartment complex with paper-thin walls and noisy neighbors. Google “how to get a good night’s sleep,” and you’ll find more than a billion results.
The tips seem relatively simple:
Stick to a sleep schedule.
Avoid naps.
Turn off all screens.
Exercise during the day.
Consider a new mattress or pillow.
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.
I’ve tried these suggestions, but I still fail to get quality sleep. Can you relate?
Recently I heard a sermon from Pastor Matt Chandler in which he discussed his sleep troubles. He said he goes to bed at 9:30 p.m. but sometimes struggles with racing thoughts. Chandler said he imagines himself laying his worries at Jesus’ feet:
“I will just say in my prayers, ‘I’ve got to sleep. You don’t ever sleep. You take this and run with it while I get some rest. I’ll be right back in the morning to do whatever it is You want me to do…’”
Sometimes, Chandler ends up getting out of bed, praying, and reading until 2 in the morning. It happens. But I love his approach, to go straight to the Lord and to ask for sleep. We’re human, and our sleep issues are part of that. God knows this, and He’s always there to provide us with rest—even when physical rest alludes us.
“Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take up my yoke and learn from me, because I am lowly and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
A couple of days after watching this sermon, I listened to a podcast interview with Jennie Allen. Allen is an author and speaker who’s passionate about discipleship. Her new book, Get Out of Your Head: Stopping the Spiral of Toxic Thoughts, details the 18 months she spent wrestling with anxiety, doubt, and sleeplessness. “Drawing on biblical teaching and neuroscience, she shows how to fight the enemies of the mind with the truth of God,” the book description states.
Allen experienced trouble sleeping and had questions about her faith in the midst of running a successful ministry, teaching the Bible, and speaking about Christ around the country. Yes, even faithful, godly men and women like Chandler and Allen can have sleepless nights.
“Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping. Keep your guard up. You’re not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It’s the same with Christians all over the world. So keep a firm grip on the faith. The suffering won’t last forever. It won’t be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ—eternal and glorious plans they are!—will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word; yes, he does. ”
All this got me wondering why? Why do we deal with this? Why can’t we simply get some quality sleep?
The short answer: We’re human. We’re sinners. We live in a broken world.
The long answer: We as Christians are prone to attacks from the enemy, and Satan is a cunning guy. He wants to disable us and render us useless. Leaving us worn out, weary, and exhausted is a pretty easy way to do that, don’t you think? When we’re tired, we’re less focused. We’re not alert or on-guard. We’re run-down and weak.
But we don’t have to be.
We live in a fallen world, except we have the hope of Christ. We have the Savior, the light of the world, who offers us a better way. We have to get up and walk in it. He saves us by faith through grace. We have to trust Him.
I think of the third sign Jesus performs, detailed in John 5:
“After this, a Jewish festival took place, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. By the Sheep Gate in Jerusalem there is a pool, called Bethesda in Aramaic, which has five colonnades. Within these lay a large number of the disabled—blind, lame, and paralyzed.
One man was there who had been disabled for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and realized he had already been there a long time, he said, “Do you want to get well?”
“Sir,” the disabled man answered, “I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, but while I’m coming, someone goes down ahead of me.”
“Get up,” Jesus told him, “pick up your mat and walk.” Instantly the man got well, picked up his mat,and started to walk.”
The disabled man is healed not by the pool but by his faith in Jesus. God tells him to “get up and walk,” and I believe that’s a call for all of us. We can remain run-down when we’re tired, or we can adopt an attitude of faith. We can get up and walk.
That’s super convicting for me.
I honestly can’t remember the last time I got a good night’s rest. Even before our son was before, during the latter half of pregnancy, I was constantly waking up to pee or because I felt uncomfortable. Now I’m lying awake at bedtime with my mind on overdrive, or I’m waking up because I’m anxious or because my baby is crying. The cycle is enough to make someone feel a little crazy.
As I’ve taken this sleep struggle to God, I’ve started to realize it’s often a spiritual attack. I can be crabby, angry, and lethargic, or I can open the Word every day, pray to God, and continue to walk by faith. This is something I’m still processing, and I think I’ll continue to throughout my life.
God wants us to rest in Him.
“Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
Paul, one of God’s greatest missionaries and disciples, had a thorn in his flesh that God never removed. We don’t know exactly what that thorn was, but we do know that Paul trusted in the Lord in the midst of his weakness. For me, sleeplessness is definitely a weakness. I can’t get through it without God. I just can’t.
My She Reads Truth bible puts it this way:
“Our insufficiency helps us press into Christ’s sufficiency… Anything that causes us to depend on Christ is a good thing. When we lean on Him, we will always, always, always find Him strong enough to hold us up.”
Let us pray:
Father, help me put on the full armor of God. Help me press into Your sufficiency in the midst of my exhaustion and insufficiency. Give me rest. Refresh my soul. Help me to walk in Your way. Thank you for Your truth, Your love, and Your care. Make me more like You.
In Your holy name, I pray.
Amen.