I don’t like conflict. I don’t like arguments or drama. I don’t think many people do. Yet even as believers, we will have conflicts with one another. We will fight, and we will cause hurts.
Thankfully, scripture shows us how to treat one another and how to handle conflicts when they arise. This is something I am still learning how to do well. As Jesus says to the scribes and Pharisees in John 8:7, “The one without sin among you should be the first to throw a stone at her [the adulteress].” Jesus is the only perfect one. He’s the only one without sin. So even when we feel wronged by others, we have to remember that we’re far from perfect.
I’m a sinner, and I know I have hurt people in the past and will hurt people in the future. But I want to be a peacemaker. I want to handle conflict well. Ultimately, I want to follow the example of Christ.
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.”
These seven tips will help you resolve conflict in a healthy way. (Other suggestions? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.)
1. Pray.
“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”
I often want to make lists, talk things out, read an article, or somehow try to solve a problem on my own before I turn to God. But prayer needs to come first. Prayer is how we talk to God and how He speaks to us.
Ask Him for wisdom and discernment. Ask for grace, compassion, and the words to say to your friend. Then ask for Him to shine a light on your own sin.
2. Examine your own heart.
“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?”
This one is tough. I’m thankful for friends who hold me accountable and remind me that I am a sinner, too. Jesus is the only perfect man—who’s also fully God. When you feel hurt or wronged by someone, examine your own heart, too. We all likely have a log in our own eyes.
3. Address it without delay.
Even though it might feel uncomfortable, address the conflict as soon as possible rather than putting it off. Doing so is better for your relationship in the long run. Trust me, I’ve learned this the hard way. You don’t want bitterness and resentment to crop up and slowly take over like weeds. Address things quickly, honestly, and courageously face-to-face—or at least on the phone. Please, no texting.
4. Listen.
Hopefully your friend is willing to talk to you to resolve this conflict. When they do, make sure you listen genuinely. Let them say what they need to say, even if it feels awkward for you. Listen and give them your full attention.
5. Confess and repent.
I have been studying the book of John over the past few weeks, and I have been especially struck by Jesus’ restoration of Peter in John 21. Peter had denied Jesus three times before His death. But when He returns resurrected, Jesus gives Peter three opportunities to state His love (or deny Him again). Peter declares his love and faith.
“Lord you know everything; you know that I love you,” Peter says.
Peter has repented, and the Lord offers bold forgiveness and mercy. If we are to follow the example of Jesus, then we, too, are to confess and repent. “I’m sorry” are two simple words that go a very long way.
6. Forgive.
“For if you forgive others their offenses, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don’t forgive others, your Father will not forgive your offenses.”
Holding a grudge is a surefire way to destroy a relationship, not to mention your own emotional and spiritual health. As believers, we know that we have been forgiven much. Our Father has forgiven us for our sins, and He will continue to forgive us for future sins. We have done nothing to deserve this!
“But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
When I meditate on that verse, I am so convicted. Jesus washes my sins away and offers me a clean slate every single day. He shows his grace and mercy. I’m not saying you need to condone continual, purposeful, unrepentant sin. But I am saying you need to forgive. If we are to live out the Lord’s command as light in this world, we have to forgive.
I’ve had broken relationships in my life where I held onto hurt, pain, and blame for years. When I finally was able to forgive, I experienced freedom like never before. Keep praying God would soften your heart and cultivate tenderness leading to forgiveness.
7. Propose a solution.
Explain how much the person means to you. Share how you value them and their friendship. Then propose a solution to move forward. Affirming the other person is crucial. You’re letting them know you love them, even after the hurts you’ve (both) experienced.
“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”