The Best Surprise

We’ve been keeping a (little) secret the past few months.

We are having a baby boy!

He is the greatest surprise and blessing of our lives. My son. He is a total gift from God, and I have to remind myself almost daily, Yes this is real. He is real, and He is yours.

Do you remember this blog post I wrote in January about my word of the year, “steadfast”?

"I pray God cultivates steadfastness in me like His son, Jesus. This year, I pray my faith is resolutely firm. I want to be devoted to God no matter the situation or season. His love for us is unwavering—I want that kind of love for Him in return. I know I am prone to worry and anxiety. I like to be in control. But God, I give that to You.”

I wrote this thinking of our upcoming marriage, move to a new neighborhood and a new church, and of my recent job change. I asked for steadfastness through all the changes. As someone prone to worry and fear, I knew I would need to trust in the Lord and find my strength in Him with each change.  So I asked for an unwavering, devoted faith.

Then in August, I checked in with you regarding that word, steadfast. I talked about how my emotions had been all over the place and how I felt like a hormonal teenager, prone to anger, impatience, and irritability. I asked God to help me walk with Him and to see my emotions as a vehicle that points to Him. For steadfast love of Christ in the midst of feeling like I wanted to run away and hide.

I wrote that post one week before we found out we are pregnant.

When I chose that word in January, I had no idea we would be expecting within a few weeks of getting married. Yet here I was, unexpectedly expectant.

God knew the whole time. He knew when I wrote that check-in blog post in August and when I chose that word in January—and way before then. He knows me better than I know myself. This baby was part of his plan all along.

Let me show you.

If you look up “steadfast” in Strong’s Hebrew Dictionary of the Bible, you’ll find this definition:

to nurse, nurture, care for; be a trustee, be a guardian; to be nurtured, cared for; to be faithful, to be trustworthy

Steadfast is how God loves us. He loves us so much that He sent His only son, Jesus, to die for us in the most horrible death that we deserve. He died in our place and rose again, so that by our belief (and belief alone!) we will be saved for eternal life with Him.

He loves us in a way that is unwavering, and He is always faithful. And God gave me that word steadfast because He knew I would be becoming a trustee and a guardian. That I, too, would need to nurse, nurture, and care for. That He would give me a son, a precious child created in His image long before I ever knew about him.

“All the paths of the LORD are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies.”

— Psalm 25:10

This baby is a miracle. We have no doubt about that.

I spent years of my life in a relationship with a terrible eating disorder. Years of my life in a relationship where there was no room for anyone else. Not a boyfriend, not a husband, and certainly not a baby. The eating disorder wreaked havoc on my life, and it took years of counseling and ultimately, true faith in Jesus Christ to finally experience healing. He saved me from my disorder, and He saved me for a life much greater than what I had been living.

With the eating disorder, I was underweight and didn’t have a period naturally for a very long time. From time to time, I would think about my fertility and wonder if I had completely messed up my body. Would I be able to have a child one day? Would I be able to experience pregnancy and childbirth? I honestly wasn’t sure.

Charles knew this during our dating and going into marriage. We both understood the possibility of my not being able to get pregnant, or with us unable to get pregnant for a long time. We have family members who have struggled with infertility, miscarriage, and babies born too soon. He and I are both completely open to adoption, and this was something we talked about early on in our relationship. The realities of pregnancy and childbirth were very clear to us, and we knew any baby given to us would be God’s gift.

What we didn’t know was that God would give us a son within a few weeks of our wedding day. For context, Charles and I didn’t sleep together before we got married. I don’t tell you this to be self-righteous; that was our decision because we knew that’s God’s clear desire for us as believers. I’m sharing this with you because our chances of getting pregnant when we did were relatively small. There were only so many days since our wedding night, if you know what I mean.

We weren’t actively “trying,” and I didn’t have it in my plan to get pregnant right away. For those first few weeks after finding out, I felt a mix of emotions. Thoroughly overjoyed and amazed, yet somewhat guilty that I was pregnant after watching friends and family members who kept trying over and over again, and those who experienced loss.

Why are we the ones who get a baby? Lord, how do I deserve this child?

Because God is God. He is so much greater than we are. He sees the full picture, while we see only a small snippet. He knows what is best, and He works all things according to His purpose for the good of those who love Him. (Romans 8:28)

I think the Lord knows I wrestle with anxiety and control, and He decided to take planning for a pregnancy off my plate.

Against all odds, He gave us a baby in His perfect plan, according to His perfect timing.

This tiny miracle is one we will never stop thanking our Father for. We will never stop praising God and sharing the reason our son exists. He’s a precious image-bearer, and we pray he will grow up strong and healthy, loving the Lord with his whole heart. Thank you, Jesus, for this good and perfect gift.

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.

Our Love Story

Charles, my fiance, is the love of my life. He is God’s greatest gift to me, and we cannot wait to get married this June. Our story is a direct testament to the grace of Jesus Christ. He is the sole reason we met, dated, and will soon come together as husband and wife.

Charles and I met on October 31, 2015, at a wedding in Waitsfield, Vermont. I was there to watch my roommate, Ashley, get married—my roommate who just happened to be Charles’ sister. Ashley and her husband, Dave, and I had become friends that year. She told me about her cute brother, Charles, but I didn’t think much of it. Charles knew about me, too, but neither of us knew what the Lord had in store.

We met on the dance floor somewhere between Randy Travis and Justin Bieber. And the rest is history.

Just kidding.

The truth is that while we did dance the night away, we didn’t think a relationship was going to come out of that night. Charles went back to the South; I went back to New York City. We talked and texted over the course of the next few months, and Charles came to visit Ashley and Dave—and me—in New York City that January of 2016. We went on our first date (the best first date of my life!) and had such a fun weekend just the two of us and double-dating. I loved showing him around my home.

Yet when we said goodbye, I pretty much assumed that was going to be the end of anything between us. Yes, we had fun. Yes, we had chemistry. Yes, he was interested. But I didn’t really know this guy. He didn’t live in the same city as me. And I was closed off to the idea of someone new.

I had been in previous relationships, and the summer before meeting Charles was the first time I felt okay in my singleness. I really wasn't expecting to meet someone or get married until my 30s. I truly wanted to be able to get to know myself better as a single woman, and I wanted to grow in my faith on my own. I was at peace. I had told myself I wouldn’t step into another relationship unless I knew where the guy’s head was at. Only if I knew that he had the same desire for marriage as I did and that he was just as strong in his belief in Christ as I was. Only then would I consider a relationship.

There’s no way that could be Charles, I told myself.

He lives in Savannah, Georgia, and I’m in New York City.

He’s younger than me.

He’s not going to want a real relationship or to pursue marriage.

What’s the point?

I was discounting Charles before I ever gave us a chance.

So when he called me up and asked me to come visit him in Savannah, I told him I’d have to think about it. Then I did what I do best: I wrote to him. I wrote him a 1,043-word email. Yes, really.

I explained how my past relationships crumbled. That I was thankful to God that He ended them but also much more cautious now to start anything new. I explained how God had been working in my heart and called me into a deep, personal relationship with Him. I told Charles that I knew what I desired in a relationship and how I wanted one leading to marriage.

And then I included a bulleted list of my reservations as to why a relationship between us wouldn’t work.

Yikes.

Before ending my email, I wrote:

What I do know, Charles, is you are the kind of man I have prayed for for so long. You love the Lord. You are kind and caring. You are respectful. Your family is more important to you than your work, although you work hard, too. You make me laugh! On top of all that, you’re super cute.

I sent that and waited for his reply. Waited to see if he still wanted me to visit, fully anticipating him to think I was way too much to handle.

Five days later, Charles' reply was in my inbox. I remember it so clearly because I read that email on my phone and, in the midst of a busy NYC subway, I started crying. He addressed all my concerns and then wrote words I'll never forget:

God has brought us together for a reason and I think it's too soon to end things. You are a beautiful, brave, kind, Christian woman. Your heart is for the Lord. You have all the traits I desire in a wife. I already thank God for putting you in my life, even if I am unable to see you ever again. You are a soldier for the Lord. I love and admire how you are able to use writing to bring glory to God and reveal Him to others. Your blog takes so much courage and I know it does great good. So keep it up!

Charles’ words brought me to tears, and I knew then that this could be something special. I went to visit him in Savannah a few weeks later. We shared our testimonies with one another, and we talked about how the Lord had led us both out of darkness and into the light. We shared our hopes and dreams, and for the first time, we started falling in love.

As we parted ways at the Savannah/Hilton Head International Airport, we decided to make things official as boyfriend and girlfriend. It felt like something out of a movie.

Much of our relationship really has been like something out of a movie. Charles loves me in a way I didn’t know was possible. He loves me deeply, gently, and selflessly.

The only way he’s able to love me like this is because he loves Jesus Christ first and foremost.

I have to be honest with you, though: not all of our relationship is like a movie. My Instagram feed reads like a highlight reel, and while, we love each other so much, we argue and bicker like any other couple. We get annoyed with each other. We struggle with the typical male/female tension points. He’s overly practical, too direct, too detached. I’m overthinking, too emotional, too sensitive.

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”

— Genesis 1:27

But how sweet is God to redeem those characteristics and set up the covenant of marriage between the (very different) male and female to complement one another. God created us to reflect His own image, and marriage is one of the many things He uses to further show us His glory and make us more like Him.

Whatever relationship stage you are in, God can use that to refine you. He will mold you, shape you, and draw you closer to Himself if you let Him in. God did that mightily in my dating experiences, my breakups, and my singleness. I didn’t realize at the time how much he was using those situations and seasons to transform me. I started this blog as a single woman, after a breakup that gave me the motivation I needed to put my words on the Internet. And this blog is one of the biggest reasons Charles continued to pursue me long-distance even when I wrote him a laundry list email of all my hesitations about why he wouldn’t measure up.

Before we ever met, he and I had to learn individually that we are only saved by grace through faith alone, not by our works or good deeds. We had to realize the depth of our own brokenness, our own sins, and how much we desperately need a savior in Jesus Christ. We had to individually come to the recognition that nothing in this world will ever truly fulfill—including marriage—but that a relationship with Christ brings us hope. And we had to see the value in dating God’s way. Friends and family had been praying for us before we even knew each other existed.

God was preparing my heart for Charles—and preparing his heart simultaneously.

So even when we butt heads, we have never stop being on the same team. I never for one second doubt that he is praying for me, praying to be the leader God has called him to be, and loving me with his whole heart—while putting God above me.

We have dated across five different states in two years, with nine months of both living in Nashville. Throughout those 730 days, we knew we could count on the other. We knew we were in this thing together. We knew we wanted to point the other person to Christ.

Charles encourages me and my giftings. He has helped me step into my true identity while healing from my eating disorder. And I do my best to speak life into him, respecting him and building him up. I remind him of the man God has called him to be.

When Charles asked me on December 21 to be his wife, the answer was a no-brainer. (For all of you wondering, yes, I did say “yes!”) We are so excited to spend the rest of our lives together. It’s not going to be perfect or without its trials, but it is going to be the absolute sweetest gift. We know God has been writing this story for a long time. Thanks for joining with us on the journey!

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.

One Year in Nashville

I’ve lived in Nashville for an entire 365 days, and I officially say “y’all” more than “you guys.”

I can’t quite believe I packed my bags, left New York City, and bought a one-way ticket to Nashville, Tennessee, just over one year ago. That simultaneously feels like yesterday and yet also feels like a lifetime ago. I miss many things about New York City. I miss my community there (although many of those friends have now left the city and scattered throughout the country). I miss my ability to walk everywhere and do almost anything at a moment’s notice. I miss the hustle and bustle, the fast pace, the city that never sleeps. I miss the art, culture, and fashion everywhere you turn. I miss the street bagels and falafel. I miss calling myself a New Yorker.

But I don’t for one second regret leaving New York City.

I knew in my heart that God called me to Nashville. It was that simple and that complex.

He brought me here for a whole bunch of reasons, including living in the same city as the man I love and beginning a job in full-time ministry. The Lord brought me here, and He’s shown up for me time and time again. I’ve grown more in the past year than the previous years combined. I’m learning what it looks like to really walk with Jesus on a daily basis, to share truth with others, and to let my faith be the rhythm of my life.

“I am sure of this, that he who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

— Philippians 1:6

In this time, God has revealed to me the sin that’s still within me. The deep desires for control, approval, and pride. He’s shown me I still have work to do when it comes to my own healing and recovery—but that He is faithful to finish the good work He began in me.

He’s helped me see the value of rest and of stillness. That while my type-A, perfectionist personality loves to be on the go at all times, often the best place to hear from God is in the quiet. Sometimes I need to get alone with Him and sit in the solitude.

This is the first time in my life I’ve lived alone. The extrovert in me wants people around who I can continually talk and hang out with. But I also relish the way this space is my own, the way I can connect with God however I want. I love that it provides rest.

I’ve rested more in this past year than I have in a very long time. I’ve traded the crazy city life, the gym, and hot yoga for walking in wide open spaces and practicing yoga at home. I’m working on a restored relationship with both food and exercise, so abandoning the high intensity sweat sesh is what I need right now. I’m learning to move in a way that feels good, to eat what’s enjoyable, and to appreciate my body the way God designed it. It’s been a long road for me, but the support God has provided here in Nashville has helped me so much.

“For the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, has said: “You will be delivered by returning and resting; your strength will lie in quiet confidence. But you are not willing.””

— Isaiah 30:15

This summer a friend of mine from New York also made the move to Nashville. She asked me if my stress level decreased since moving. I immediately and emphatically answered heck yes.

Living stress-free is still totally possible in New York City. It takes a lot of intention and discipline, but it can happen. Yet I now know for me personally, for my optimal health and wellbeing, I needed to step away.

Since moving to Nashville, God has shown me the joy of dating His way. He had to end some previous relationships in order to teach me and show me that something way better was just around the corner. He was preparing my heart while preparing my now-boyfriend’s heart. We’ve both seen firsthand how the love of a significant other is a representation of the Gospel. It’s an amazing thing, and if I had not moved to Nashville, if I had not given this man a chance while living and dating in the same city, I don’t know when I would have learned that lesson. And I would have missed out on this great love.

Most of all, in the past year, the Lord has reminded me that I am made in His image.

I am called to live a holy life. It’s clear the Lord purposely plucked me out of my comfort zone of NYC to do some deep work in my mind, body, and spirit. He has a plan for all of this, and it’s a lot bigger than anything I could plot out on my own.

So wherever you’re at right now—whatever emotion you’re feeling, whatever hopes you’re hoping for and whatever dreams you’re banking on—tell them to God. If you don’t feel like you have a relationship with Him, then ask Him to reveal Himself to you. He’ll show up and rock your word.

I know not everyone has a story of reckless faith or radical salvation. Not everyone has the story they thought they would have. It’s okay.

I am right there with you. I could not and would not have written my story this way. But I honestly wouldn’t change it. I’m convinced that God has authored my life like this because He’s using it for His glory. As Christians, He doesn’t call us to a life of happiness. He calls us to a life of holiness and sanctification. Sometimes that means wading through some really rough waters. But He is still good, and He is still faithful.

I have lofty dreams for this blog and for my ministry. I have a feeling He has even bigger things in store over the next 12 months, and I’m excited to watch Him work. I am privileged to get to write in this space and share what I’m learning with each of you on a regular basis. I love this little blog—it means so much you’ve stuck with me through all the transitions and changes. Thank you for showing up.

Here’s to another year!

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.

How to Make Godly Decisions

We’ve all been faced with a big decision at one time or another. You might even be there right now. Trying to figure out where to live, what job to pursue, what school to send your child to–the list goes on and on.

We have to make decisions on a regular basis. Yet too often, we turn to Google, we text a friend, or we try to strategize our way through them. What if we turned to God instead? What if we sought His will by spending time in His Word and by asking Him directly?

Head over to longhollow.com for the full post, inspired by my pastor's recent message. 

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.