How God Opened My Eyes to Dating His Way

I really didn’t date until after college. The little bit of dating I did during college consisted of meeting men at bars and seeing them once, or maybe inviting a guy from my writing class as my date to a sorority party. Dating wasn’t a priority for me, and honestly, I was fearful to date given my lack of experience.

Post-college, I was suddenly much more interested in the dating scene. I said NBD to any fear around dating and my lack of experience. I began to flirt, I began to date, and date quite a bit. Truth be told, I liked it. I liked the attention from men. I liked living the way I saw in magazines and on TV. I bought into the idea that “the one” would complete me, and I spent a lot of time and energy trying to ready myself for the perfect man.

When I did find myself in my first committed relationship in 2013, I let the world dictate that, too. I made the relationship my everything. I made him my everything. As you can imagine, that relationship grew sour. The sweet exterior faded until a painful, toxic root remained. Friends pointed this out to me on more than one occasion, and as the breakup hit, it became so clear to me that they were right. The relationship was past the point of healthy. Being in a relationship simply for the sake of having someone isn’t worth the cost. We broke up, and God protected me greatly in that.

Throughout 2013 and 2014, God was working, refining, pruning, and pulling me closer to Him.

My eyes were opened like never before. I saw where I had veered (way) off course, and I started to see the beauty of God’s way. He had a better way for my relationships all along; I had simply been too blind to see it.

I announced my faith publicly through baptism in early 2015. Things in my life began to click. It was as though a weight was lifted off. I knew from that point on that my relationship with men would be different. My approach to dating forever changed. My understanding of marriage and “the one” was turned right side up.

“So God created man in His image. In the image of God, He created them. Male and female, He created them. God blessed them, and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it.’”

— Genesis 1:27-28a

God created man and woman in His image, to be fruitful and multiply. God set this way from the beginning of time!

For most of my life, I didn’t get that. I didn’t understand His beautiful design. I did what I wanted. It took years of struggling, of loneliness, and of heartbreak to realize there is a better way for relationships and dating. As I read more and more about God’s way, the scales began to fall off.

The book of Ephesians rocked my world. Relationships are not about ourselves. Marriage is not about me finding ultimate happiness and fulfillment. It’s not about my Prince Charming saving the day. It’s about sacrifice. Marriage is holy. Marriage is loving someone in spite of them—and in spite of yourself. Dating is an earlier degree of that.

No small request, right? But that’s love in light of eternity. That’s the glory we can partake in here on earth. That’s the way God will bless.

After my first breakup, I decided to pray for my love life.

I found a specific prayer online that I wrote down in my journal and prayed in earnest for a long time.

I prayed:

That God would give me a relationship (Matthew 7:7)

That He would grant me patience and insight to wait for a good one (Isaiah 40:31)

That He would be working out anything unhealthy in my life (Jeremiah 33:8)

That He would shape my heart for nourishing interactions with others (Colossians 3:12-14)

That He would bring healing into my past so I’m free to embrace the present (Philippians 3:13-14)

That He would protect my emotional world and give me wisdom of how to set healthy boundaries (Proverbs 4:23)

That He would open my eyes to the joys of doing sex His way (Hebrews 13:4)

That God would be the focus of my life now and forever (Psalm 37:4)

I prayed this and even thought I met someone a month or two later who was an answer to that prayer. He was not, and that was okay. Life moved on. I found myself investing more in Christ, in the one who was now my primary love. I learned to enjoy and appreciate my singleness as a gift. I couldn’t be tempted or distracted by others; my focus was finally on Him.

Still, I prayed that prayer, and I prayed the Lord would inject continual peace and contentment into my status as a single woman. I prayed He wouldn’t give me what I wanted but give me His best. (Yes, that same prayer over my career worked pretty well on my love life, too.) I stopped dating for a bit. I stopped planning. I stopped comparing and asking everyone, “How old were you when you got married?” I stopped looking at my ex on social media. I stopped doing things that weren’t what I desired and weren’t what would bring me closer to Christ. I let go and let God.

Yes, I desired a boyfriend during this time. I wanted to know if marriage was in the cards for me. I hoped and longed for someone special, a partner in ministry, a man to love me boldly and like Christ. This is a good desire! I asked God to take the desire away if He wanted me to be single instead and to live missionally, singularly focused on Him, like Paul suggests we all do in 1 Corinthians 7.

“Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches.”

— 1 Corinthians 7:28

So that’s what I did: live the life God has called me to.

God wasn’t done with me, or my love life, quite yet. He had a few surprises in store in 2015 and 2016. He opened my eyes to doing a relationship His way, to doing sex His way, to living focused on Him above all else—not as an afterthought. And God brought someone into my life who helped me see the beautiful design He has for our relationships. That design is not impossible or irrelevant but transcends all ages and eras. That design is as real for us today as it was for the early church thousands of years ago.

Dating like I used to date does not even compare to the joy I’ve experienced in dating His way. It’s like I went from having fat-free Splenda-sweetened ice cream to having creamy Italian gelato with hot fudge and a cherry on top. I mean, hello. No comparison.

Dating is a special and unique season, and I’m thankful for how God has used this time to make me more like Him. As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. I now actually enjoy looking back on the heartache and pain I once experienced because I can see God’s hand over it all. It’s been a sweet, sweet journey, and I look forward to what’s next. Thank you, Jesus.

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.

A One-Way Ticket

I write this from a Southwest Airlines flight, somewhere over the southeast United States. For the first time in my life, I bought a one-way airplane ticket. One way to Nashville, Tennessee. One way means this move is really happening—there’s no turning back.

When I flew over the island of Manhattan at 7:30 this morning, it was for my final time as a New York City resident. My license, my voters ID card, my library card, my mailing address—all have got to go. A new chapter is upon me.

I’ve lived in this city for just about four years. I knew after interning here in college that this was the place for me, in all its busyness and hustle and coffee-soaked dreams. I would be a magazine editor. I’d work at a women’s glossy and climb my way to the top, racking up free beauty products, fashion closet giveaways, and exclusive event invites along the way.

I’d see my name in lights—or rather, inside the pages of my favorite monthly magazine as a member of the masthead, a valued editor and regular contributor. I would not only meet but exceed the potential I was told I had in journalism school. I’d go beyond everyone’s expectations of me. I’d put that journalism degree to work and demonstrate the definition of success. If I could make it in New York City, I could make it anywhere.

And make it, I did. Magazine job, check. Manhattan apartment, check. Nights on the town, check. In some ways, I felt like a young Carrie Bradshaw (minus the Manolos and walk-in closet). Life wasn’t perfect by any means. But I was living the life I’d envisioned, a life I wanted others to see and admire. I felt good.

Around year two, things shifted. I lost my magazine job as the publication folded. New relationships blossomed while others faded away. The biggest shift: Old destructive habits resurfaced and my restrictive eating tendencies came back into play. I was relapsing in my recovery. I knew my life had to change.

I became more intrigued by church and my Christian community. I started to really hear what living for Christ meant. God placed a few women in my life who came alongside me in all the messiness. They loved me and showed me how life could change with a relationship with Jesus at the center. The more I invested in the Lord, the more parts of life that didn’t really matter began to fall away. His hand was on me then—and I saw how it had always been. He was calling me to a life of serving Him, loving Him, and ordering all other loves after Him. Slowly but surely, work took on new meaning. I no longer defined success as climbing the top of the career ladder. Work was a way to use my gifts to further His kingdom. The allure of the Carrie Bradshaw life lost its luster. I craved a simpler, quieter, and more peaceful existence. And God amazingly provided that in the craziness that is NYC.

For every year I spent here, I felt Him asking me to root in. He wanted me here. That was clear. So then why the move away?

Because I believe He is calling me to Nashville, Tennessee. It’s that simple and that complex.

I’ve known for a while that New York City wasn’t the place I wanted to stay forever—but I was open to that possibility should God ask me to. I continued to invest in New York. I called this city my home. I made friends here who are like family. I became a Believer here. It’s a place close to my heart.

I knew I’d need a clear and bold call from God in order to leave it. And that’s exactly what God did.

A year ago, God brought a man into my life who selflessly loves me and encourages me in my walk with Him. This man has done so despite 888 miles between us. As we grew in our relationship, Nashville—his home—became more of a reality for me. Yet I wasn’t convinced. How would I know if this was the right choice? How would I leave behind the community and passions the Lord cultivated in me in New York? I prayed about it almost daily. We prayed about it as a couple and sought counsel from those far wiser than us.

My journal entries for the past few months reflect this longing to know what would be next:

"God, place me where you will use me most."

"Father, help me listen to your call. I pray you light my steps. Grant me wisdom and confidence in my decisions, always running toward you."

"Father, I pray for trust in your plan. Help me trust in you. You have me in New York City, in this particular job, in this long-distance relationship, for a reason. You’re growing me and showing me more of your goodness. I praise you for that. Give me courage and help me to listen to your call for me. I need clarity in it, but I trust you to direct me. Help me to surrender, to find true freedom in you."

"Lord, keep me humble, keep me small, keep me reliant on you. I pray you place me where you’re going to use me most. Grand me wisdom and clarity in my decision-making. Help me to trust you and surrender to you in all things. I pray for protection in this process and for peace. I praise you, Lord. Amen."

The prayers poured out of me.

In August, God pointed me to a job at a church in the Nashville area. I was on the church’s website, looking around and about to listen to a sermon. Somehow I found myself on their jobs page—with a communications position staring right back at me. As I read through the job description, I swear my heart skipped a beat. Communications, marketing, social media, storytelling, ministry. The job seemed to be describing me. I applied immediately, and I interviewed on the phone three days later. I’ve never felt quite so encouraged, believed in, and supported during an interview. (And I’ve had some wonderful jobs and bosses.) My potential employer had read through my blog, even my testimony. He told me how it was an encouragement to him and how I clearly have a gift.

My excitement for the position grew. I completed an edit test and more interviewing. I prayed, and I journaled. I talked to those closest to me. I also doubted. I doubted that this was the right job for me. I doubted that I would be able to make a decent living in this role. I doubted that I would like the city, the church, the culture. I doubted a lot of things—all things that ultimately don’t mean anything if this is where God wants me. If this was God’s will, He would provide.

I was offered the job in a phone call a mere two weeks later. Not only that, but God went above and beyond in providing a salary, a title, and all the other material benefits of a job that I had hoped for. As I listened to my future boss offer me the job and explain why he wanted me on the team, I burst into tears. I cried the sort of crocodile tears that run down your chin and neck and smear your mascara. The tears that make a passerby stop to give you an entire tissue box (yes, really). I sweat completely through my shirt, and I felt like I might throw up. My reaction was one of pure joy, excitement, and disbelief. I was overwhelmed with God’s goodness in providing for me in every single way. I couldn’t quite believe the offer was real.

I went to visit the church and meet my potential colleagues that weekend. As happy as I was, I’ll be honest: I was uncomfortable. This Southern church is the complete opposite of how I grew up and totally different from my home in New York City. I wasn’t sure I’d fit in. I wasn’t convinced this was the best move for me because it was such a stark contrast to what I was used to. Leaving a great life behind seemed crazy.

This all felt crazy.

But the more I prayed, the more I understood how God wanted me to take a step of obedience. He wanted me to boldly walk in faith and courage. He’d be there with me through it all. He orchestrated it to begin with. All summer, I’d been leading women through a book study of Wild and Free—and how we can only live that way through Christ. This job opportunity is about as wild and free as it gets. God opened a door for me in a major way. It was time for me to go through it.

So on September 5, I accepted that job. I made the decision to move across the country—for a job, for love, and ultimately, for Jesus.

God has provided for me abundantly since then. He brought my roommate and me a great girl to take over my room in our apartment. He helped me sell all my furniture. He opened up my best friend’s schedule, allowing her a whole Saturday to travel from Pennsylvania and spend with me in the city. He gave me brothers in Christ who used their muscle to help me pack up and ship 50-pound boxes with all my belongings. He opened up a one-bedroom apartment for me that’s 15 minutes away from work, 15 minutes away from my favorite coffee shop downtown, and 10 minutes away from the man I love. He connected me with trustworthy car dealers to help facilitate that next step in the moving process. He gave me time to leave my job well and bid farewell to friends in the city.

God has tied up all the seemingly loose ends in a matter of three weeks’ time. The crazy decision to move doesn’t seem so crazy any more.

I’ve cried only a little bit about the move, and I praise God for that. My excitement is pure and deep. I know there will be growing pains with moving here. I know there will be moments of “What am I doing?”, times when I feel out of place in the South, when I dislike living in an apartment by myself, when I wish I could just walk to a coffee shop without getting in my car. But I believe in my heart God wants me to press into those feelings of uncomfortableness. I am not here by accident. God has me placed me exactly where He wants me to be, where He will use me most. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Lord.  

I can see the landscape of Tennessee as we fly closer. It’s beautiful. 

“Folks, we should be touching down in about 15 minutes. Weather in Nashville is a little bit of misty skies but nothing too terrible, temperature of about 78 degrees Fahrenheit. We’ll be on the ground momentarily.”

Okay, Nashville, I’m ready for you.

There Is A Season For Everything

Seasons come and go. Change is a natural part of life. The world ebbs and flows, and we have the choice to move with it or swim against the tide. I’ve experienced plenty of change during my time in New York City. All the geographical changes of the past 3.5 years alone are enough to make my head spin:

In December 2012, I packed my entire life into my 2001 Ford Taurus and moved from small-town Pennsylvania to the heart of Brooklyn, where I stayed on a friend’s air mattress for six weeks. Eventually, I found my first official New York City apartment and roommate through Craigslist. Fast forward almost two years later, and I moved again. This time to a three-month sublet in a new neighborhood with a new (random) roommate. At the end of that stint, I moved into another new place in yet another neighborhood with two more new roommates. Six months later, one roomie got married (yay!) and a friend of a friend took her spot in the apartment. This year, that friend of a friend—now my friend—and I found our very own two-bedroom—hooray! I signed my name on my own New York City lease for the first time. And despite the six floor walkup situation, I’m happy.

In the midst of these physical changes, the community around me changed just as much. New community in each new location. As I came into my own as a woman and learned more about who I am (and who Jesus is), my circle of friends shifted, too. I think that’s a perfectly normal and healthy part of life. We’re often scared to lose people, but sometimes we’re not really losing them. We’re both moving forward in different directions.

New friendships developed when I moved here, and those new people became my family. That’s the thing about New York: Most of us aren’t from the city. When you meet your people, they can become your lifeline. They make the city less of a crazy place and more of a home. My community in New York is a gift, and I firmly believe people come into our lives at certain times for a reason. Yes, they might leave our lives, but I know it’s no coincidence that they ended up in contact with us in the first place.

Last week, I said “see you soon” to my best friend in New York City. She and her husband and their one-and-a-half-year-old have moved on to a new adventure in Austin, Texas, and I couldn’t be more excited for them. (Read their story here—totally worth it.)

It feels as though I’m in an extended season of bidding farewell to friends.

Anyone who has lived in New York for at least a few years knows what I’m talking about. Since year one of living in this city, I have bid farewell to five dear friends, and attended more goodbye parties than I can count. Moving is the nature of the beast that is NYC. I had to push past the initial feeling that I was being abandoned or that I was making a mistake by continuing to hold down the fort in the Big Apple. Those are lies.

These friends were in my life for a reason, for a season. God has taught me something through each relationship. He uses the people around you to mold you and make your who you are today. I know the Lord has used my moves, my heartbreaks, my friendships, and my falling in love to show me more of Him. For that, I am so grateful.

The Lord uses us where we are, with what we have. There’s a season for everything. He’s working at all times for our good. That brings me great comfort.

Sometimes we’re in a season of stability, security, and lots of friends around us. But that’s not always the case. I’m in a season now that’s in flux, one in which my dearest friends are scattered throughout the country. It’s a time of change, but also growth, maturity, and peace. A season that looks like a little bit more alone time is not necessarily a bad thing. I’m learning that being by myself doesn’t mean being lonely or depressed. At times it might seem that way, but I know at this point in my life, there’s great value in spending time with just me.

““There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens… God has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him…””

— Ecclesiastes 3

Everything God does will endure forever.

This is a season of independence—yet total dependence on God. I can feel He is close, helping guide me through wave after wave of change. The passage is a reminder that a season is temporary—we have no idea what God has in store for us next. That’s amazing and scary and awe-inspiring all at the same time.

I’ve been thinking over this idea of seasons of life, and how I am in a season with fewer friends directly around me. Did you know that, although Jesus had 12 apostles and even more disciples, he had just three besties? Peter, James, and John. Those were his bros, the guys he developed a deeper relationship with than anyone else. Even Jesus knew he couldn’t have a million best friends around him at all times.

We’re called to be a friend, to live in community, and to make disciples. But we’re not called to have dozens of friends on our social calendar at all times, or to amass 500 Facebook friends, or to rack up thousands of Instagram followers. We’re wired for intimate relationships—to be a close friend to a few or even just one.

And more so, we’re made to be in the tightest knit friendship with Him.

I think about the story of David and Jonathan. Jonathan knit his soul to David. They became one in spirit. He loved David as he loved himself. That sort of friendship doesn’t happen overnight. It doesn’t happen at raucous house parties. That’s the friendship that comes in seasons of rest, in experiencing the ebbs and flows of life together, in trusting of ourselves, and trusting in the Lord.

I feel thankful for the few dear friends I have, even if they’re located hundreds of miles away. They’re people I can turn to for encouragement. Who can rebuke me and ask the hard questions. Who can work through a cycle of repentance and forgiveness with me. Who are loyal to me and I to them. Who want to pick up the phone to talk to me because they love me that much. Those are the friends we are asked to be and asked to walk in step with.

This is truth I’ve only come to realize because I’m in a season with fewer friends around me. And you know what? It is okay. I’m okay with that. It’s made me grateful for the sweet friends I have and relationships I’ve developed over the years. Not to mention I almost always have a place to stay when I am traveling. But most of all, this season has reminded me that He is the best friend there is. No matter what the season of life I am in looks like, He’s present, he’s active, and he’s working. 

Dear Future Daughter

Dear daughter,

Today is May 11, 2016. I’m sipping my tea, writing to you from my desk in New York City. Yes, The Big Apple; I’ve lived here for three and a half years now. I am 26 years old. I’m not engaged or married, but I write this letter looking toward a future with you in it.

I don’t know when or where I am going to meet you. I don’t know when I’m going to give this to you. What I do know are a few things to be true about you. Things that will never change, no matter the circumstances.

You are, quite simply, a gift.

You make me happier than I ever thought could be. I wondered about you for years and years. Now you’re here, and I don’t know how I lived my life without you.

I spent a long time—too much time—wrestling with fear and doubt, with voices in my head that made me feel unworthy. I listened to those statements. I heard lies that I wasn’t worthy because I wasn’t enough—successful enough, smart enough, pretty enough, good enough. I had my heart broken and discarded. I felt alone, and I didn’t love the woman I was.

That season of my life was difficult, painful, sad. It included many ups and downs. I didn’t know how I’d make it out of the darkness. A family of my own seemed like such a silly desire when I couldn’t seem to take care of myself. I wasn’t sure if I would ever have you. So I put that dream on a shelf, tucked away and collecting dust without much hope for a future.

“The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.”

— 2 Peter 3:9

But I want to tell you today that that season ended. The cold, dark winter melted away, and the world felt a little more like springtime. I began to blossom. I began to hope. I found faith in a God who never really left me, who continually called me back to Him. He watched over me all those years; He was writing my story in the most beautiful way. He gave me a new life that I might one day share that life with you.

Soon enough, the darkness dissipated, the depression diminished, and my anxieties started to fade. The Light of Christ came in, slowly but surely illuminating my world once again.

And I took that dream off the shelf.

I dreamt of you, daughter. I dreamt of your big, bright eyes; your curly hair; your sweet smile and infectious laugh. I dreamt of your tender heart, your wisdom beyond your years, and your generous spirit. I dreamt of the radiant beauty that stemmed from deep down in your soul.

I dreamt of how I would speak to you, teach you, care for you. The more I dreamt of you, the more I began to love myself. Because dreaming of you helped me think of the woman I was designed to be: wholehearted and full of grace. I thought about how I would care for you and point you back to the Father. I will never lie to you, or say that you are unworthy. I will never tell you that you need to be smarter, be prettier, be better, be more. I can promise you that. So why would I listen to those lies myself? Dreaming of you meant I started talking back to the lies, answering them with truth. I filled the space with God and with you.

“Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

— John 14:6

I dreamt that you, too, would stand firmly in the Light.

I know there will be times when you experience your own hardship on this earth. The world might try to hurt you. It might even try to break you down. You’re going to fall and feel weak. You’re going to fail. But when you accept Christ, you have steadfast strength and courage within you. That’s the Holy Spirit.

“For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.””

— Romans 10:13

Stand firm in who you are. Remember the things that really matter in this life. Remember that your identity is secure in our great God. Set your heart on all that sheds light.

Your dad and I cherish you more than anything. We praise God for your existence. We know you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139). You are lovely in all your imperfections. You are gifted uniquely and with great purpose—nothing about you is a mistake. From your head to your toes, you are created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).

We are here for you no matter what. You encourage us and make us better people just by being you. I’m so honored to call you mine. I admire you and look at you with more joy than I ever knew possible.

I want you to know one more truth, daughter: Christ’s perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18). He loves us so deeply—so flawlessly—that He enables us to love you in return. I strive to reflect His love to you each day so that you, too, know He’s calling you into His arms, guiding you and protecting you every step of the way.

I love you, sweet girl.

Mom

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.