7 Things I've Learned in 1 Month of Marriage

It's been a hot minute since I've regularly written in this space. Our wedding and honeymoon were in early June, and I wanted to settle into newlywed life, enjoying every minute with Charles before heading back to the blog. But lucky for you, dear reader, he loves when I write and is my biggest encourager. I am so thankful for him.

We are officially one month into marriage—I can't believe it! I'm by no means a marriage expert (LOL), and I have a lifetime of learnings to do. But in the past few weeks, I've learned a few things worth sharing with you.

1. Marriage is no greater than singleness in the eyes of God.

While I was single, I remember a married friend sharing with me that marriage is absolutely amazing but that it's not the ultimate end goal. She said as a wife, she could be easily distracted by her husband rather than focused on the Lord. Paul echoes this in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35:

“I want you to be without concerns. The unmarried man is concerned about the things of the Lord—how he may please the Lord. But the married man is concerned about the things of the world—how he may please his wife—and his interests are divided. The unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the things of the Lord, so that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But the married woman is concerned about the things of the world—how she may please her husband. I am saying this for your own benefit, not to put a restraint on you, but to promote what is proper and so that you may be devoted to the Lord without distraction.”

I now understand what my friend and Paul mean. I quickly run to Charles first because he's right here next to me, and I look to him for empathy, prayers, solutions. Being able to do this is a blessing. But as believers, whether married or not, we're called to run to Christ first. That's why Paul said to the unmarried, it is better for them to remain unmarried like he is (1 Corinthians 7:8).

To all my single friends: I'm not saying you need to stay single for the rest of your life. What I am saying is you are valuable, you are worthy, and your singleness is an honor in the eyes of God.

2. Sex is a gift.

We didn't sleep together before marriage. And we agree it was one of the hardest and best things we've both ever done. Whether you've already crossed this threshold or not, it's never too late to make a new start. We can honestly say this decision has given our marriage more life and passion than we ever imagined. Waiting means way more excitement, more value placed on the act, and a greater closeness with God than I thought was possible. We had to run to Him when tempted and remember that He loves us even though we are weak:

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we.”

— Hebrews 4:15

Not having sex with each other and not living together before marriage was also the biggest witness to our faith. People often couldn't believe we weren't living together, let alone not sleeping together. But it was never something we felt embarrassed or self-conscious about.

I think that was the Holy Spirit empowering us in our decision and helping us stand firm in God's clear direction for relationships. Saying no to sex before we were married showed us sacrificial love—a sliver of the sacrificial love God has for us. 

3. Pride will destroy your marriage.

I want what I want when I want it. For the past 28 years, I've been doing life my way. Trying to meekly follow The Lord, yes. But also doing it my way. I don't like to be wrong. I don't like to be challenged. I don't like to not be in control. That's where my sinful inclinations lie.

Now I have a husband. This isn't a 50/50 relationship. We are each called to give our marriage 110 percent every day. We're called to love each other, serve each other, and sacrifice for each other. That is no small task, especially for someone like me who enjoys being in charge. We also have to be quick to confess and then quick to forgive. Me stubbornly holding a grudge gets us nowhere, except me being more upset. 

Without humility, joyful servitude, and constant sacrifice for each other, our marriage won't work. No marriage will.

4. There are few things better than sharing homemade breakfast sandwiches and coffee with your husband.

Especially if you're still in your PJs. One of Charles' top love languages is "acts of service," and I'm so thankful he's chosen to utilize this with food! Whether he's cooking or I am, there is something so special about sharing home-cooked meals at the table together. 

(Want to up your breakfast sandwich game? Buy bread from the local bakery and invest in some quality butter. Mmm, mmm, mmm.)

5. Sleepwalking is real.

My husband has dealt with insomnia for years, and his back issues complicate sleeping even more. But his sleepwalking was a strange surprise two weeks into our marriage. Sleepwalking exists, and I've learned this firsthand. I've also learned the power of forgiveness and patience.

Since returning from our honeymoon, we've had to temporarily sleep in separate beds, until we move apartments and a new king mattress arrives.

I can't get mad at him for insomnia and sleepwalking—two unfortunate habits he'd much prefer didn't happen at all. And that's the thing: We're all human. We all have quirks. When you get down to it, sleepwalking (or sleeping soundly) has absolutely zero influence on our character and holiness. How we respond is much more important.

So when Charles is feeling exhausted, we pray God would give him rest and refresh him. When I'm feeling annoyed at the disrupted sleep schedule or at his worn-out demeanor, we pray for patience. God hears our prayers and is faithful.

6. Iron truly does sharpen iron.

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”

— Proverbs 27:17

In the words of Ron Swanson on Parks and Recreation, "The thing I love about Tammy is she calls me on my crap. Every guy needs that!" 

Really, though. Except in biblical marriage, we can call each other out and then graciously point the other person to Jesus. Marriage isn't an excuse to belittle the other person or maliciously point out wrongs. Marriage was created by God to reflect His glory and to help bring us closer to Him. Marriage is sanctifying. 

7. There's no one else I'd rather go on this journey with. 

I love Charles with my whole heart. We are two broken humans divinely brought together to live out God's call for our lives and help the other look more and more like Jesus with each passing day. He's my partner in ministry, my love, my best friend. There's no one else I'd rather do this life with.

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.

How I Knew We Were Going to Get Married

Since getting engaged, I’ve had a lot of friends ask me how I knew Charles was “the one.” To be clear: I hate the term “the one.” I don’t believe in it, and I don’t think it’s biblically accurate.

I definitely believe God planned Charles and I to meet, and He is the sole reason we will soon be husband and wife. But to me, “the one” makes it seem like we all have one shot at love in our lives. If we miss it, oops. Too bad. I don’t think that’s true, especially for people who lose their spouse and then re-marry.

Even without the term “the one,” I know for certain God designed man and woman for monogamy. From Genesis, we see God created man and women in His image and gave us marriage as a gift between man and woman. He created man and woman to come together as one flesh in the covenant of marriage.

“So God created man in His own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female He created them.”

— Genesis 1:27

And I know without a shadow of a doubt that Charles is the absolute best man for me. He has all the qualities I desired in a future husband, and I know God prepared his heart for me while simultaneously preparing my heart for him. Charles is my teammate, my biggest cheerleader, my confidant, my best friend.

So how did I know this? How did I reach a place of confidence in him and in our relationship?

It was not love at first sight for Charles and me. We were both instantly attracted to each other and wanted to know more about each other, but I did not have immediate confirmation that he was the man I was going to marry. No spotlight shown down on him; God’s voice didn’t come over me, telling me he was my future husband. Our love grew slowly, and the Lord provided continued affirmation over time to both of us.

Early on in our relationship, Charles suggested we read The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller.

Me: “You do know the expectation this is setting, right?”

Charles: “Yes, that’s why I want to read it.”

Me: Well, okay then; let’s do it!

Charles was intentional with me from the very beginning and clear about his desire for a relationship leading to marriage.

These five specific qualities helped me know that Charles is the man God has for me:

1. He prays for me.

Charles prays for me, and he asks how he can be praying for me. He’s quick to send me a Bible verse and word of encouragement when I need it. One of the big reasons God brought Charles to me is because of the way he has helped me in my recovery. He speaks Truth into my life. He’s also constantly sharing with me what he’s learning from the Word and what God is teaching him.

2. He prays with me.

Also important: Charles prays with me. We try to end each phone conversation by praying together. This doesn’t always happen, and we both understand there are situations (like when one of us is driving or when we’re out and about) that make this more difficult. But knowing my soon-to-be husband values praying with me is the greatest gift. Sometimes we as a culture treat prayer like a last resort. But prayer moves our hearts. Prayer allows us to be in tune with the heart of God. Prayer reminds us that nothing is impossible for the Lord. Friends, date a man who prays.

3. He makes me laugh.

We are both quirky and goofy. We share the same sense of humor. Charles made me laugh on our first date and has kept me laughing since. ( I also know there are times when this blog has made him laugh out loud, hehe.) He helps me relax when my anxiety kicks in, and I’m just so darn happy to grow old with a man who keeps me smiling.

4. He loves Jesus more than he loves me.

This is so, so important. Charles loves me, yes. He loves me most than any other human on this planet. But he loves Jesus more than he loves me. That may seem counterintuitive—shouldn’t I want my husband to love me the most? In short, no. I prayed for a husband who would put Jesus above me, and that is what Charles does. If Charles loved me more than he loved Christ, then I would become an idol. I would become his everything, and our marriage would be held to an impossible standard. Imagine if Charles loved me above Christ and then I disappoint him (which I have). The disappointment would be devastating, maybe even crippling. For our marriage to not only survive but to really thrive, we both need to put our love of the Father first. He is our primary devotion; our love for each other comes just below it.

““At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’ This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”

— Genesis 2:23-24

5. I see who God is making him, and I want to be a part of that process.

In The Meaning of Marriage, Tim Keller writes:

“Within this Christian vision of marriage, here's what it means to fall in love. It is to look at another person and get a glimpse of what God is creating, and to say, "I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to his throne. And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, 'I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you!”

THAT. That is exactly how I feel about Charles. That is how I knew I wanted to marry him. In the two years we’ve been dating, I’ve watched him grow more and more into the man God has created him to be. It’s the most exciting part of this whole journey, and I cannot wait to see all He will do in Charles’ life—and ours together—in the years to come.

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.

To Be Known and Loved

I was listening to Annie Downs’ podcast yesterday as she interviewed comedian John Crist. They shared plenty of jokes, but they also talked about the hard stuff. Singleness as Christians in their 30s. Going through therapy and taking time away to deal with burnout. And then they discussed this idea that we as humans all want to be known and loved.

They’re right.

We all, at our core, want to be fully known and fully loved.

We want others to see us and to pay attention to us. But that’s not enough. We want to be loved, deeply and intimately. We want people to experience the comfort and assurance of being completely loved and completely known.

Both Annie and John are relatively famous. They laughed about people wanting to date them, thinking they really know them because they follow them on social media or have watched their videos. And then John said something that hit me pretty hard:

"Remember back in the day on Instagram when you had 9 likes and it would list everyone's name? And then when you got to 10, it would just say 10 likes? It was like, that was it. That was like, oh yeah we got a good one. Then it became 100, then it became 1000 and 10,000... I'm doing the same thing that my little nephew is doing that Kim Kardashian is doing... I wonder what it would be like to get 2 million likes. I bet that feels way better. No, it doesn't. It feels just the same… The 10 to 12 likes is probably better. The first one was probably better... Everyone is convinced that the next place to get is it."

He said how the best comedy show he ever did wasn’t the sold-out arena of 15,000 people. It was the 15 family members gathered around the table for Thanksgiving dinner.

Well, that hit me like a ton of bricks.

I’m looking at my goals for 2018 — write more blog posts, do more freelance work, get my writing out there — and I’m thinking I haven’t really met any of them. We’re a full quarter in, and even with my beautiful Powersheets planner, I’m still not sure I’m working toward those goals.  

I haven’t blogged in a month. Yes, part of that is because of time. My job is much busier now, I’m commuting every day, and I’m planning our wedding. Yet at the same time, I’ve managed to power through countless episodes of Friends and snooze my alarm clock more times than not.

My issue isn’t lack of time or busyness. My issue is fear. 

I fear no one will read this. I see the numbers on my analytics going down and down, and then I think, What’s the point? I fear my words won’t resonate. I fear I’ll keep writing in this little space, going along doing my thing and that my words will never get out to a greater audience. 

The fear is crippling. The fear prevents me from using my God-given gift to share His truth. God didn’t ask me to speak to a million people or to have 10,000 followers on Instagram. God asked me to use my gift and to be obedient to the call He has placed on my life as a writer. 

He wants me to show up to the people who are already here. Show up for the people He’s placed in my life. Keep writing. Keep using this gift.

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.” - Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

When I’m not writing, I feel like I’m in a slump. You know how people who are extroverts say they become energized by being around people? And introverts say they gain energy by being alone? That’s how it is for me with writing. Writing allows me to be more in tune with God. Writing reminds me of my identity in Christ. When I’m writing, I never feel like I should be doing something else — because I know this is what I’m supposed to do.

And then I remember that God fully knows me and fully loves me. He knows me in all my sin, all my brokenness, and all my mess. He sees the anxiety, the eating disorder, the guilt, and the shame. Still, He loves me in a way no one else ever can. Not my husband, not my blog readers, not my Instagram followers. No one else can love the way He loves.

Read Psalm 139. You’ve probably heard these words before. We women especially love to proclaim this psalm as an affirmation about ourselves. Except it’s not about us; it’s about God. Author and Bible study teacher Jen Wilkin challenged all of us at a women’s event last month to read this psalm with an emphasis on Lord, God, and You each time we read it. Go ahead:

“O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.”

— Psalm 139:1-12

This psalm isn’t about us. It’s about God. He loves me completely, and He knows me better than I know myself. This is a reckless love! This is the Good Shepherd deeming each and every one of his sheep beloved. Fear has no place among this kind of love.

If you feel alone and like no one understands you, know that God does. Look to His Word. Psalm 139, Genesis 2, Galatians 4:4-7. When you accept Christ and believe in Him, your identity is no longer tethered to things of this world. Your identity stems from Christ. 

Knowing my true identity frees me up to write this blog. I can write without fear. I can write and not worry whether people will read it. I can write with the deep comfort that I am already loved and known, no matter how many people “like” this blog on social media. 

When you recognize you are fully known and loved in Christ, you can let go of your desire for more followers and more likes. You can surrender your prayer for a husband. You can loosen your grip on your career and your finances. You can quit playing the comparison game.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

— 1 John 4:18

You can finally rest easy in the arms of a Father who loves you in the most intimate way imaginable. 

Our Love Story

Charles, my fiance, is the love of my life. He is God’s greatest gift to me, and we cannot wait to get married this June. Our story is a direct testament to the grace of Jesus Christ. He is the sole reason we met, dated, and will soon come together as husband and wife.

Charles and I met on October 31, 2015, at a wedding in Waitsfield, Vermont. I was there to watch my roommate, Ashley, get married—my roommate who just happened to be Charles’ sister. Ashley and her husband, Dave, and I had become friends that year. She told me about her cute brother, Charles, but I didn’t think much of it. Charles knew about me, too, but neither of us knew what the Lord had in store.

We met on the dance floor somewhere between Randy Travis and Justin Bieber. And the rest is history.

Just kidding.

The truth is that while we did dance the night away, we didn’t think a relationship was going to come out of that night. Charles went back to the South; I went back to New York City. We talked and texted over the course of the next few months, and Charles came to visit Ashley and Dave—and me—in New York City that January of 2016. We went on our first date (the best first date of my life!) and had such a fun weekend just the two of us and double-dating. I loved showing him around my home.

Yet when we said goodbye, I pretty much assumed that was going to be the end of anything between us. Yes, we had fun. Yes, we had chemistry. Yes, he was interested. But I didn’t really know this guy. He didn’t live in the same city as me. And I was closed off to the idea of someone new.

I had been in previous relationships, and the summer before meeting Charles was the first time I felt okay in my singleness. I really wasn't expecting to meet someone or get married until my 30s. I truly wanted to be able to get to know myself better as a single woman, and I wanted to grow in my faith on my own. I was at peace. I had told myself I wouldn’t step into another relationship unless I knew where the guy’s head was at. Only if I knew that he had the same desire for marriage as I did and that he was just as strong in his belief in Christ as I was. Only then would I consider a relationship.

There’s no way that could be Charles, I told myself.

He lives in Savannah, Georgia, and I’m in New York City.

He’s younger than me.

He’s not going to want a real relationship or to pursue marriage.

What’s the point?

I was discounting Charles before I ever gave us a chance.

So when he called me up and asked me to come visit him in Savannah, I told him I’d have to think about it. Then I did what I do best: I wrote to him. I wrote him a 1,043-word email. Yes, really.

I explained how my past relationships crumbled. That I was thankful to God that He ended them but also much more cautious now to start anything new. I explained how God had been working in my heart and called me into a deep, personal relationship with Him. I told Charles that I knew what I desired in a relationship and how I wanted one leading to marriage.

And then I included a bulleted list of my reservations as to why a relationship between us wouldn’t work.

Yikes.

Before ending my email, I wrote:

What I do know, Charles, is you are the kind of man I have prayed for for so long. You love the Lord. You are kind and caring. You are respectful. Your family is more important to you than your work, although you work hard, too. You make me laugh! On top of all that, you’re super cute.

I sent that and waited for his reply. Waited to see if he still wanted me to visit, fully anticipating him to think I was way too much to handle.

Five days later, Charles' reply was in my inbox. I remember it so clearly because I read that email on my phone and, in the midst of a busy NYC subway, I started crying. He addressed all my concerns and then wrote words I'll never forget:

God has brought us together for a reason and I think it's too soon to end things. You are a beautiful, brave, kind, Christian woman. Your heart is for the Lord. You have all the traits I desire in a wife. I already thank God for putting you in my life, even if I am unable to see you ever again. You are a soldier for the Lord. I love and admire how you are able to use writing to bring glory to God and reveal Him to others. Your blog takes so much courage and I know it does great good. So keep it up!

Charles’ words brought me to tears, and I knew then that this could be something special. I went to visit him in Savannah a few weeks later. We shared our testimonies with one another, and we talked about how the Lord had led us both out of darkness and into the light. We shared our hopes and dreams, and for the first time, we started falling in love.

As we parted ways at the Savannah/Hilton Head International Airport, we decided to make things official as boyfriend and girlfriend. It felt like something out of a movie.

Much of our relationship really has been like something out of a movie. Charles loves me in a way I didn’t know was possible. He loves me deeply, gently, and selflessly.

The only way he’s able to love me like this is because he loves Jesus Christ first and foremost.

I have to be honest with you, though: not all of our relationship is like a movie. My Instagram feed reads like a highlight reel, and while, we love each other so much, we argue and bicker like any other couple. We get annoyed with each other. We struggle with the typical male/female tension points. He’s overly practical, too direct, too detached. I’m overthinking, too emotional, too sensitive.

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”

— Genesis 1:27

But how sweet is God to redeem those characteristics and set up the covenant of marriage between the (very different) male and female to complement one another. God created us to reflect His own image, and marriage is one of the many things He uses to further show us His glory and make us more like Him.

Whatever relationship stage you are in, God can use that to refine you. He will mold you, shape you, and draw you closer to Himself if you let Him in. God did that mightily in my dating experiences, my breakups, and my singleness. I didn’t realize at the time how much he was using those situations and seasons to transform me. I started this blog as a single woman, after a breakup that gave me the motivation I needed to put my words on the Internet. And this blog is one of the biggest reasons Charles continued to pursue me long-distance even when I wrote him a laundry list email of all my hesitations about why he wouldn’t measure up.

Before we ever met, he and I had to learn individually that we are only saved by grace through faith alone, not by our works or good deeds. We had to realize the depth of our own brokenness, our own sins, and how much we desperately need a savior in Jesus Christ. We had to individually come to the recognition that nothing in this world will ever truly fulfill—including marriage—but that a relationship with Christ brings us hope. And we had to see the value in dating God’s way. Friends and family had been praying for us before we even knew each other existed.

God was preparing my heart for Charles—and preparing his heart simultaneously.

So even when we butt heads, we have never stop being on the same team. I never for one second doubt that he is praying for me, praying to be the leader God has called him to be, and loving me with his whole heart—while putting God above me.

We have dated across five different states in two years, with nine months of both living in Nashville. Throughout those 730 days, we knew we could count on the other. We knew we were in this thing together. We knew we wanted to point the other person to Christ.

Charles encourages me and my giftings. He has helped me step into my true identity while healing from my eating disorder. And I do my best to speak life into him, respecting him and building him up. I remind him of the man God has called him to be.

When Charles asked me on December 21 to be his wife, the answer was a no-brainer. (For all of you wondering, yes, I did say “yes!”) We are so excited to spend the rest of our lives together. It’s not going to be perfect or without its trials, but it is going to be the absolute sweetest gift. We know God has been writing this story for a long time. Thanks for joining with us on the journey!

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.