I repeated those words in Hebrews to myself two weeks ago as I sat on the bathroom floor, hunched over the toilet, clutching the white porcelain and certain I would lose my marbles at any moment. I told myself that verse over and over again. I told myself that I could trust God.
You see, I absolutely hate throwing up. I mean, no one enjoys it, but I hate it. I get panicky when I feel nauseated, and typically when I am sick with some sort of digestive problem, I cry.
So in that moment, on the cold bathroom floor at 2 a.m., I cried out to God. I asked him to take away the pain. I asked him to heal me. And I finally relaxed enough to realize my body is going to do what it needs to do. If I needed to get sick, then that would be okay. I would be okay. God is still good.
After a good almost two hours of intense nausea like that, still nothing had happened. I crawled back to bed and eventually fell asleep. The next two days, I rested; I then went back to work and all seemed to be well.
Except eight days later, the same situation happened again.
I felt ready this time. I was somewhat scared but ready. I could do this. I would be okay.
And again, nothing.
I felt this intense pain, discomfort, and uneasiness. I spent half of the night awake on the bathroom floor trying to understand what was going on.
While I have a doctor’s appointment soon and am hopeful for some answers (Is it dairy? Is it gluten? Is it this new medication?), the fact of the matter remains: I don’t understand. I don’t understand, and I feel pretty darn crappy. These gastrointestinal issues have left me feeling fearful and in pain. I have even felt lonely and sad.
Why am I telling you about my GI issues in detail?
Because these uncomfortable moments and negative feelings have shown me my need to be totally reliant on Christ.
I cannot do this life alone. I cannot control everything, and I cannot base my faith on my feelings. There will be countless times in this life when I don’t feel well. Whether that’s due to an illness or medication, or because of a broken heart, loss, or longing, we will continue to not feel well in this lifetime.
If you do a Google search for “core feelings,” “basic emotions,” or something along those lines, you’ll find a few variations of the list developed by psychologists. The psych major in me loves this stuff, and I think this list of nine core feelings really gets to the heart:
Anger
Fear
Pain
Loneliness
Love
Passion
Joy
Guilt
Shame
These are feelings we will experience on a regular basis, even daily. Not might but will.
Not only do I feel physical pain and emotional fear from GI issues, but I feel some loneliness because I’m in a long-distance relationship. I also feel love and passion from that relationship. At the same time, I feel guilt and shame when I indulge in sin, when I turn away from God.