Lessons Learned

This past weekend, we went on a snowy, winter hike. It was a short, relatively easy one mile to the top, where a beautiful, icy glacier awaited us. We’d done this hike a few times before but always during the summer. We all dressed in warm clothes and boots, and we set off excitedly on our journey.

We took some incredible photos, like the one above. It looks like a winter wonderland, right? And in the photo I shared on Instagram where you see our faces, we look super happy.

What our beautiful photos don’t show you is that we ended up being pretty unprepared for the frigid temps and strong winds that met us at the top. My husband and I both forgot our gloves. (Oof.) Even though our son had on his warmest mittens, coat, boots, and hat, he still looked pretty darn cold and windburned halfway through the hike. Right before we headed back down, I started to feel anxious and worried for him. And unfortunately, I took my frustration and fear out on my husband by yelling at him. Never the way to go. Our son started screaming and crying.

His crying picked up as we began our descent. And it was the awful, sad, high-pitched kind of cry that comes with lots of tears and a very runny nose. It hurts my heart just thinking about it.

Charles took him out of the hiking backpack to instead hold him close. He used his bare hands to warm our little guy’s face, while going as fast as he could down the hill. Twenty minutes later, we’re back at our car, all trying to warm up and calm down. Our son was still screaming, and Charles’ hands hurt so bad, I thought he had frostbite.

The next thing we know, the car starts blasting air instead of heat—and then it shuts off completely.

Well, THANK THE LORD my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and three of her kids were with us. They took a separate car, so praise God we could all pile in their vehicle to stay warm. At this point, Charles realized our car wouldn’t start because it was out of gas. We were stuck. Cue another angry outburst from me. Yikes.

My angel sister-in-law drove us all a half hour to the nearest town, where we picked up a tank of gas. And then she drove us all back up that mountain so Charles could fill our car. Did I mention she is an angel? 😊

After a few unsuccessful starts, and more shivering in the freezing temps, Charles was able to fill up our tank with those two precious gallons of gas. It was just enough to let us coast down the mountain into the nearest town to fill up with a full tank. After that, we all headed safely back to my sister-in-law’s for a delicious homemade dinner and cozy night in.

It was a crazy afternoon, one that taught me a few valuable lessons I want to share with you here:

1. Never let your gas tank get below half a tank during the winter, especially if you’re traveling at higher altitudes.

2. Always keep an emergency kit in your car.

3. What you see on social media is almost always a highlight reel. We took some beautiful photos on our hike. But like I said when I shared a picture on my Instagram, a photo only depicts a small snippet of a story. Social media is a platform where most of us, most of the time, show off our very best selves. Remember that whenever you’re tempted to compare yourself to someone else. You never know what their full story might be.

4. My attitude as a mom has the ability to affect my entire family. This goes for every one of us moms, and I would argue for anyone helping lead a family. I remember reading this in a motherhood book, and this weekend I learned it is so, so true. My temperature affects my husband’s and my children’s. I want to be a mom who parents with joy and who trusts in the Lord as much and as often as I humanly can.

5. Last but certainly not least: Despite my turbulent emotions, God is always stable. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). When I’m fearful, when I’m anxious, when I’m angry, when I’m out of gas—God is my rock (Isaiah 44:8). He is my anchor (Hebrews 6:19). He’s the only One I can tether myself to for true protection, provision, and peace. He is the Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6). Thank you, Lord!

“Do not tremble, do not be afraid. Did I not proclaim this and foretell it long ago? You are my witnesses. Is there any God besides me? No, there is no other Rock; I know not one.”

— Isaiah 44:8

From the Archives: Called and Qualified

Today I’m sharing a post from March 2019. Looking back on my journals and my God stories reminds me of His total faithfulness, particularly in seasons of doubt and fear. I hope this content blesses you today!

Today I am 37 weeks pregnant. Baby boy is about six pounds, the size of a honeydew melon, and it’s virtually impossible for me to think about anything other than him. I am working full-time, but whenever I have a free second, I am thinking about him. What will he look like? What will he smell like? How will he sleep? Will he be blonde or brunette (or have no hair at all)? What kind of boy will he grow into? What kind of mom and dad will we be?

I’m not afraid of being a mom—I’m beyond excited and know God has been preparing me for this for months. But the whole birthing process is still quite scary and overwhelming for me. I wrote early this year about my fear and how I experienced an anxiety attack around Christmas time. I truly think that panic was God's way of waking me up to challenge this fear.

A couple days ago, I said to my husband that I've been fearful my whole life. As long as I can remember, even as a child, I've had fear. Fear of giving a presentation at school, fear of the big test, fear of roller coasters, fear of sleepover parties, fear of being left out during a slow song at the school dance. And eventually fear of not being perfect and not measuring up to my own unreasonable standards, which contributed to my struggle with anorexia.

The fear has been with me. I know I must have had moments during my childhood where I confidently pursued my dreams and didn't think twice about doing so. A childlike faith, courage, and innocence. I don't believe we are born feeling fearful, but I can't pinpoint a time when fear first crept into my life. It doesn't make sense. My family always loved me and encouraged me. Life was good. So why did fear still overwhelm me? Why was fear this continual thread in my life?

The day after I shared this with my husband, I thought, Well, wait a minute. I've also done a bunch of things in my life that I was initially afraid to do.

In the eighth grade, I tried out for my school’s play for the first time, and I ended up being cast as Dorothy in our production of The Wizard of Oz. Terrifying yet so fun.

I took a trip abroad with my Spanish class the summer before my senior year of college. I cried in the car on the way to the airport because I was already homesick, but 10 days later, I was having so much fun that didn't want to come home.

I decided to go to college six hours away from my family, at a school where I knew no one.

And then I recognized when I needed help, needed to leave college, and needed to get treatment for my eating disorder. One of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.

Post-college, I moved to a Pennsylvania town of 10,000 for a magazine internship. It was there God gave me a newfound interest for his Word and Biblical community.

I moved to New York City to pursue a career in journalism and ultimately pursued a relationship with Jesus. In 2015, I was baptized and shared my testimony as an adult with my church.

Sensing a new call on my life from God, I relocated to Nashville for the man I love and a job in full-time ministry—even though I had only been to Nashville once before and never worked in ministry.

And I started this blog, sharing my story and trusting that’s what God wants me to do.

I thought of all these experiences, and I saw God's faithfulness. Anytime I felt afraid and unsure, God was there for me.

I also remembered the countless men and women throughout the Bible who God used when they felt inadequate. He turned to people who seemed totally unqualified by cultural standards: Moses, Joseph, Daniel, Mary, the bleeding woman, Matthew, Peter. I read a quote somewhere about these men and women of the Bible that rang so true for me: God doesn't call the qualified; He qualifies the called.

“Then Moses said to the LORD, “O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither before nor since You have spoken to Your servant; but I am slow of speech and slow of tongue.””

— Exodus 4:10

“But he said, “O my Lord, please send by the hand of whomever else You may send.””

— Exodus 4:13

Moses repeatedly told the Lord to choose someone else to lead the Israelites to the Promised Land, and God kept reminding Moses that he was made for the journey.

Then we have Joseph—a young man sold into slavery by his brothers. He is wrongfully put in prison but eventually becomes ruler of Egypt—and his line of descendants leads to our Messiah, Jesus. Joseph is an unlikely hero. He looked completely unfit to rule Egypt or bring glory to God, but that’s exactly what he did. God qualified him. God didn’t care about how he looked socially or culturally; He cared about Joseph’s heart.

Stories of redemption like this are scattered all over the Bible.

Perhaps the most well-known is that of Mary, the 15-year-old girl chosen by the Father to be Jesus’ mother. She has a choice in the matter, and she boldly steps forward in obedience. Look at what happens in Luke 1 when the angel of the Lord visits her:

“The angel went to her and said, “Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you.”

Mary was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting this might be. But the angel said to her, “Do not be afraid, Mary; you have found favor with God. You will conceive and give birth to a son, and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over Jacob’s descendants forever; his kingdom will never end.”

“How will this be,” Mary asked the angel, “since I am a virgin?”

The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come on you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Son of God. Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be unable to conceive is in her sixth month. For no word from God will ever fail.”

“I am the Lord’s servant,” Mary answered. “May your word to me be fulfilled.” Then the angel left her.”

Mary is greatly troubled. Can you imagine what she felt learning this news? This was not 2019; this was a time when Mary could have been disowned for a child born outside of marriage. Not to mention, she’s only 15 years old. Yet she steps forward in faith. She trusts God, and she doesn’t let fear hold her back.

One of my favorite biblical stories is that of Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego in the book of Daniel. These boys refuse to worship the king of Babylon, and in doing so, are sent to the fiery furnace to burn alive. Daniel 6 describes how the furnace is so hot that the soldiers who brought these boys to it immediately die. Except the boys don’t die when thrown into the fire. They walk around in the fire with God at their side.

““Look! I see four men, not tied, walking around in the fire unharmed; and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.””

— Daniel 3:25b

They risked their lives in order to serve God, and they are delivered from the fire. What stands out the most to me in this story is how God not only rescues them, but He walks with them through the trial. This is truth that I need to cling to. I need to remember this on a daily basis. God walks with us through fear, anxiety, pain, and suffering. He is still good, no matter what we are feeling or experiencing.

So does birth scare me? Yes.

Will it be worth it? A million times yes.

This is God’s plan for me, and He will be there with me through every second of labor and delivery. He’s called me, and He will qualify me.

I'll get to meet my son. I'll have the gift of becoming a momma, something I don't ever want to take for granted. I picture holding him on my chest moments after he takes his first breath in this world. His dad and I snuggling him with overwhelming thanksgiving for this good and perfect gift.

A Word for 2021

What a year. I’m ready for 2021, and I’m sure you are, too. Despite the prevailing cultural narrative, I don’t think 2020 was a bad year. I think it was a learning year. A growing year. A refining year. After all, we can’t have gold without first melting down and refining dross—a worthless, impure metal.

“In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”

— 1 Peter 1:6-7

Look throughout the Bible and you’ll find many years, decades even, of struggle for God’s people. Think of the great flood, the 40 years the Israelites spend in the wilderness, and the 400 years of God’s silence between Malachi’s prophecy and Jesus’ birth. Difficult years are nothing new. And difficulty isn’t always bad.

My word for the past year was joy. I obviously had no idea what was going to come in the next 12 months, but God did. God knew we would face a global pandemic. He knew our way of life would completely change and perhaps never be the same. 

On a personal level, God knew that I would use 2020 to (mostly) take a break from writing. He knew I would focus on my health and resting whenever possible. He knew I would have a falling out with one of my best friends and struggle to make friends here in Colorado. He knew we would have car issues and various anxieties. He also knew I would grow closer with my family by making more phone calls and spending more time with them this year than ever anticipated.

The Father knows everything about your life, too, and that should give us great comfort. 

“If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.”

— 1 John 3:20

 Throughout this year, I’ve felt God convicting me of my attitude. He’s been showing me the posture of my heart and, by taking away so many of the things I looked forward to for 2020, revealing my idols. Let me explain. Without mom groups, childcare, and a busy schedule of activities, can I believe that I’m more than just a mom? That my role as a household executive sans pay (😉) is a worthy one? Without freelance writing jobs or a high blog readership, can I trust that I’m still called to be a writer? That my words matter? 

I have wrestled with all of those thoughts this past year. When the things I looked to for contentment and fulfillment were stripped away, I felt somewhat lost. Perhaps you can relate. I think it’s okay to mourn what we lost in 2020, whatever that looks like for you. Let’s process that and then resolve to see the good in this wild season. How might God want to change your heart through all of this?

When we have Christ, there is always goodness to be found (Exodus 34:6). He came so that we might have life and have it in abundance.

Which brings me to my word for 2021.  

Abundance.

“...I have come so that they may have life and have it in abundance.”

— John 10:10

I want to shift my perspective to focus on the abundant life God has bestowed upon me. I have access to this abundant life through Jesus, regardless of the circumstances around me and within me. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8). He is always good and always true.

Two years ago on this blog, I wrote:

What would it look like to live out of abundance, rather than focus on what we lack? 

What do you feel like you are lacking? Money? A job? Health? A spouse? Children? Friends? A home? You are not alone in feeling like you lack something. As humans, we are going to feel that on this earth. But the thing is, we all have everything we need in Christ. He provides our souls with abundant grace, love, forgiveness, strength, and justice. 

This year, I’m praying my heart is fixed on God’s abundant mercy (1 Peter 1:3) and that I would experience an abundance of joy, even when I’m tested by severe affliction (2 Corinthians 8:1-9).

I’m ready to step into the abundant life the Lord has for me. Are you with me?

---

Is It Right for You to Be Angry?

“Jonah was greatly displeased and became furious. He prayed to the LORD: ‘Please, LORD, isn’t this what I thought while I was still in my own country? That’s why I fled toward Tarshish in the first place. I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger, abounding in faithful love, and one who relents from sending disaster. And now, LORD, take my life from me, for it is better for me to die than to live.”

“But the LORD replied, ‘Is it right for you to be angry?’” (Jonah 4:1-4)

Most of us have heard the story of Jonah and the big fish. But not as many of us know how his story continues. Jonah has spent three days in the belly of the fish, finally delivered God’s message to Ninevah, and now he throws a fit that God is going to do exactly what he expected Him to do all along. He feels like traveling to Ninevah was a waste of his time. Not to mention, the Ninevites were evil, Jonah’s worst enemy. How could God save them? 

So Jonah sets up camp alone on a hill beside Ninevah. God provides a plant to give him shade. And when God appoints a worm to kill the plant the next day, Jonah is angry enough to die.

“Then God asked Jonah, ‘Is it right for you to be angry about the plant?’

‘Yes, it’s right!’ he replied. ‘I’m angry enough to die!’ (Jonah 4:9)

Jonah cares more about a plant—that God created, and God took away—than a sinful city of 120,000 people. Ultimately, Jonah cares more about himself. And that’s the end of Jonah’s story. I don’t know what happens after this incident. 

What I do know is that I’m a lot like Jonah sometimes. I’ve been studying his story this fall using Priscilla Shirer’s bible study book, and God keeps reminding me that I’m right there in the mess with Jonah. 

My pulse quickens, my eyes get hot with tears, and I start to sweat. I feel like I’m going to explode. Anger can stem from the silliest little things to the biggest scary things to everything in between. Can you relate?

Maybe you’re angry your 1-year-old still won’t sleep through the night or that your child clogged the toilet (again). Maybe you’re angry about COVID and the election. Maybe you’re angry with a friend or family member. Maybe you’re angry that your boss (still) won’t give you that promotion. Maybe you’re angry about your health. Maybe you’re angry that your life doesn’t look the way you always expected it would. 

Whatever is causing your anger, please know that you are not alone. We all experience anger. We’re sinful humans, and we are bound to have negative feelings in this life. It’s in those moments that we need to turn to scripture. We need the truth of God to wash over us and remind us of who we are in Him.

I’ve been wanting to write this post for some time because I know there are so many others out there, particularly other moms, who feel the same way. We carry so much “mom guilt” about our anger. We consider this the greatest job in the world, and we feel awful that sometimes we take it for granted or lash out in anger. I want to write this because I think it’s time for us to be honest, repent, and then turn the page moving forward. 

While I might turn angry quickly, God does not. God is slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. (Here are four verses that proclaim this truth.) 

“...the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. The law is not against such things. Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passion and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.” (Galatians 5:22-26)

God warns us that outbursts of angry are a work of the flesh (Galatians 5:20). He calls us to love our neighbor as ourself (Galatians 5:14), to live at peace.

We can only do this through the grace of Christ. We need God’s patience to reign in our hearts. We need His example of compassion and great love when He went to the cross for us. So, too, we must crucify our own flesh with its passions and desires. 

This is not an easy task!

It’s an ever-evolving process. I have to keep trusting in God and surrendering my anger to Him. He is the living water, and He offers an overflowing well of joy and peace for me if I choose to receive it.

Below are some questions I’m pondering as I examine my own anger and whether it’s right for me to be angry. I hope they’re helpful for you as well. 

1. Is this a righteous anger or a self-righteous anger?

2. Does whatever makes me angry also make God angry?

3. Can I reframe and see the blessing in this?

4. Am I willing to let Him soften my heart if I’m still angry? Will I turn to God and trust Him?

A few books that might also be helpful to read are Emotions: Can You Trust Them? by Dr. James Dobson, For the Tough Times by Max Lucado, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by Lysa TerKeurst, and True Feelings by Carolyn Mahaney.

Draw near to the Lord, and He will draw near to you (James 4:8).