Writing for "What to Expect"

How I Navigated the Postpartum Period While Recovering From an Eating Disorder

I’m so grateful and honored to share my story with “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” I’ve written a lot about my pregnancy experience, but I felt it was particularly important to share about the postpartum period. For me, becoming a new mom and experiencing all the physical and emotional changes that come postpartum was much harder than I was anticipating. After recovering from anorexia nervosa, I found my post-pregnancy body brought up new challenges and thoughts. I also had more anxiety and fear crop up. And at the same time—I felt happier and more fulfilled as a mom than I could have ever imagined.

I hope and pray my essay encourages you, wherever you’re at in your motherhood journey. Thanks for joining me!

Hope in the Midst of Unmet Expectations

“May the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge, reward you fully for what you have done.” (Ruth 2:12, NLT)

I had our first year of marriage all planned out. 

Romantic dinners, walks in the park, coffee dates, and Sundays side-by-side at church. 

Instead, our year looked vastly different. Shortly after our honeymoon, my husband began working nights. The job slowly ate away at him and often hit 80 hours per week. We hardly saw each other. 

“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?” (Psalm 13:1a, ESV)

I wonder if Ruth ever felt the same way. 

After losing her father-in-law, brother-in-law, and husband, Ruth boldly chose to stay by her mother-in-law Naomi’s side. 

“For wherever you go, I will go, and wherever you live, I will live; your people will be my people, and your God will be my God.” (Ruth 1:16b, HCSB)

Her loyalty comes amidst desperation. Ruth had witnessed Naomi’s faith in Yahweh. She was willing to leave behind her family and homeland to follow the Lord. And she had hope He would deliver them.

God wrote Ruth’s story, and once in Bethlehem, He brought her to Boaz’s field. Boaz protects her, ensuring she and Naomi have food. He blesses her:

“May the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge, reward you fully for what you have done.” (Ruth 2:12, NLT)

Ruth’s unwavering faith in the Lord is so encouraging. Through every season, we’re called to seek refuge under the shadow of His wings.

This young woman had no idea Boaz was one of Naomi’s “kinsman-redeemers.” She was simply obeying God. Later, she humbles herself at Boaz’s feet, requesting marriage. Boaz selflessly takes Ruth as his bride and vows to sacrificially care for her. This is huge! God’s providence leads Ruth—a poor widow and foreigner—to Boaz. She gives birth to a son, and God puts Ruth in the genealogy of Jesus. 

Naomi and Ruth had no home, security, or hope. And God provided. 

He’s not left us without a Redeemer. He cares for us as individual women, no matter our background or circumstance. During marital hardship, poverty, fear, disappointment, and death, God is still present. He’s full of lovingkindness, and He’s provided our ultimate Kinsman-Redeemer in Jesus Christ.

My marriage didn’t improve overnight. My husband’s job wore us down and disappointed us.

But God never did. He was always there, pointing me to stories of hope like Ruth’s.

He showed us dashed expectations can be a very good thing and His plan is much better than ours. Ten months into marriage, I gave birth to our son, an unexpected, “good and perfect gift” (James 1:17, NIV). God gave us a tangible sign of hope—a continual reminder of His provision. “How excellent is thy lovingkindness, O God! therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of thy wings.” (Psalm 36:7, KJV)

Thank you, Jesus.

With Us in the Wilderness

My sister-in-law and I have been studying Numbers using Lauren Chandler’s With Us in the Wilderness book. And it has been so good. Numbers is the kind of book that I would read through quickly, missing much of the meaning and having a hard time focusing on. But Chandler has connected so many dots for us throughout Scripture, and we’re only halfway through the study. 

One of my favorite passages in the Bible is Numbers 6:24-26. This was actually read as a blessing at our wedding, and this year I decided to memorize it. I love praying this over my son (and he especially loves the Elevation Worship song based on it!)

Even if you haven’t read the book of Numbers before (I hadn’t), you’re likely familiar with these verses. For context, during the book of Exodus, God delivers His people out of Egypt after sending 10 plagues and parting the Red Sea. Now, the Israelites are in the wilderness, where they will spend 40 years before entering the Promised Land. During this part of Numbers, the people are restless. They are tired of wandering and impatient for God’s promise. The Lord gives Aaron (a priest and brother of Moses) this blessing for His people.

“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”

— Numbers 6:24-26

This is an incredible blessing from God. He extends it to each and every one of His children, and it still applies even when we’re walking through our own wilderness. Jesus Himself went through the wilderness. For 40 days, He was tempted by Satan, and He relied on the Father to deliver Him.

In her study book, Chandler writes:

“The Lord ‘blesses people by giving them children, property, land, good health, and his presence (Gen. 17:16; 22:17f; Lev 26:3-13; Deut. 28:2-14).’ The Lord ‘keeps’ His people by guarding and protecting them. For God to ‘shine his face’ on them is to liken Him to the favor and grace sunshine brings… The peace that is mentioned here is the Hebrew word shalom. It isn’t just peace in wartime, but wholeness and well-being. It is the ‘sum total of all God’s good gifts to his people.’”

Through Jesus, we get to have this total peace—both with God and with others. When we accept Christ as our Lord and Savior, we get to experience the sum total of all God’s good gifts to His people. Wow. That is the truth that I desperately need to cling to when times are hard.

If you are in the middle of your own wilderness right now, know that you are not alone. God sees you, and He continually offers deliverance. I’m so grateful for that.

What are you studying in the Word right now? Does your Bible study or quiet time look different because of the pandemic? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.

Dear Future Daughter, Part Two

Five years ago, I was living in New York City and figuring out my newfound faith and zeal for the Lord. Five years ago, I was two months into dating my husband and had no idea what the future would hold. Five years ago, I wrote a letter on this blog to my future daughter.

Today I’m resharing that heartfelt letter because the dream of a daughter is no longer some far-off, maybe thing. It’s a God-given reality. We’re having baby number two this summer—a girl.

I still can’t quite believe it. I was completely convinced we were having another baby boy, and that I would always be a boy mom. I was looking forward to (even more) baseballs and fire trucks and playing in the dirt. But God surprised me with this good and perfect gift, and I’m praying now that our son and daughter would be the best of friends—running the race toward Him together.

All glory be to God!

---

Dear daughter,

Today is May 11, 2016. I’m sipping my tea, writing to you from my desk in New York City. Yes, The Big Apple; I’ve lived here for three and a half years now. I am 26 years old. I’m not engaged or married, but I write this letter looking toward a future with you in it.

I don’t know when or where I am going to meet you. I don’t know when I’m going to give this to you. What I do know are a few things to be true about you. Things that will never change, no matter the circumstances.

You are, quite simply, a gift.

You make me happier than I ever thought could be. I wondered about you for years and years. Now you’re here, and I don’t know how I lived my life without you.

I spent a long time—too much time—wrestling with fear and doubt, with voices in my head that made me feel unworthy. I listened to those statements. I heard lies that I wasn’t worthy because I wasn’t enough—successful enough, smart enough, pretty enough, good enough. I had my heart broken and discarded. I felt alone, and I didn’t love the woman I was.

“The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.”

— 2 Peter 3:9

That season of my life was difficult, painful, sad. It included many ups and downs. I didn’t know how I’d make it out of the darkness. A family of my own seemed like such a silly desire when I couldn’t seem to take care of myself. I wasn’t sure if I would ever have you. So I put that dream on a shelf, tucked away and collecting dust without much hope for a future.

But I want to tell you today that that season ended. The cold, dark winter melted away, and the world felt a little more like springtime. I began to blossom. I began to hope. I found faith in a God who never really left me, who continually called me back to Him. He watched over me all those years; He was writing my story in the most beautiful way. He gave me a new life that I might one day share that life with you.

Soon enough, the darkness dissipated, the depression diminished, and my anxieties started to fade. The Light of Christ came in, slowly but surely illuminating my world once again.

And I took that dream off the shelf.

I dreamt of you, daughter. I dreamt of your big, bright eyes; your curly hair; your sweet smile and infectious laugh. I dreamt of your tender heart, your wisdom beyond your years, and your generous spirit. I dreamt of the radiant beauty that stemmed from deep down in your soul.

“Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.””

— John 14:6

I dreamt of how I would speak to you, teach you, care for you. The more I dreamt of you, the more I began to love myself. Because dreaming of you helped me think of the woman I was designed to be: wholehearted and full of grace. I thought about how I would care for you and point you back to the Father. I will never lie to you, or say that you are unworthy. I will never tell you that you need to be smarter, be prettier, be better, be more. I can promise you that. So why would I listen to those lies myself? Dreaming of you meant I started talking back to the lies, answering them with truth. I filled the space with God and with you.

I dreamt that you, too, would stand firmly in the Light.

I know there will be times when you experience your own hardship on this earth. The world might try to hurt you. It might even try to break you down. You’re going to fall and feel weak. You’re going to fail. But when you accept Christ, you have steadfast strength and courage within you. That’s the Holy Spirit.

Stand firm in who you are. Remember the things that really matter in this life. Remember that your identity is secure in our great God. Set your heart on all that sheds light.

“For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.””

— Romans 10:13

Your dad and I cherish you more than anything. We praise God for your existence. We know you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139). You are lovely in all your imperfections. You are gifted uniquely and with great purpose—nothing about you is a mistake. From your head to your toes, you are created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).

We are here for you no matter what. You encourage us and make us better people just by being you. I’m so honored to call you mine. I admire you and look at you with more joy than I ever knew possible.

I want you to know one more truth, daughter: Christ’s perfect love casts out all fear (1 John 4:18). He loves us so deeply—so flawlessly—that He enables us to love you in return. I strive to reflect His love to you each day so that you, too, know He’s calling you into His arms, guiding you and protecting you every step of the way.

I love you, sweet girl.

Mom