Pressing Pause

I’ve been pretty silent here and on social media since my daughter was born. The transition to two children has been simultaneously beautiful and wild, and 2021 was one of the best and hardest years I’ve experienced so far. Insomnia, postpartum depression and anxiety, and Covid brought hardship, while some other things that I’m not ready to talk about publicly yet led to deep restoration within our family.

This week, I finished reading Jodi Picoult’s latest novel, about a Manhattanite stuck on a tropical island as the Covid pandemic hits New York City and the world. The main character shares a realization halfway through the book that resonated with me during this season:

Here, I can’t lose myself in errands and work assignments; I can’t disappear in a crowd. I am forced to walk instead of run, and as a result I’ve seen things I would have sped past before—the fuss of a crab trading up for a new shell, the miracle of a sunrise, the garish burst of a cactus flower.

Busy is just a euphemism for being so focused on what you don’t have that you never notice what you do.

It’s a defense mechanism. Because if you stop hustling—if you pause—you start wondering why you ever thought you wanted all those things.

As a former New Yorker who traded deadlines for diapers, I so feel this! It’s not that I’m not busy anymore but that I’ve stopped hustling. My productivity looks different. (I’ve talked about this before.) And since giving birth to my daughter, I’ve finally allowed myself to pause.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been striving. I’ve been working to answer the question, “Am I enough?” Having a lot on my plate and pushing myself to be “the best” is the easy way out for me. But focusing on the present and finding contentment in Christ alone? That’s a lot harder. That’s when I start to gaze at myself and wonder if I measure up.

Perhaps you can relate to the thoughts below, some of which are my own and others are what I’ve heard from friends:

• If I'm not freelance writing and continuing my professional career, am I enough?

• If I’m not blogging and sharing God’s Word publicly, am I enough?

• If I’m not exercising regularly, am I enough?

• If I’m still single and so desire to get married, am I enough?

• If I’m struggling with infertility, am I enough?

• If I’m living paycheck to paycheck, am I enough?

• If I keep getting passed up for that promotion, am I enough?

• If my relationships are on the rocks, am I enough?

• If I don’t have enough saved for my kids’ college and my retirement, am I enough?

• If I don’t know what God thinks about me, am I enough?

Friend, you are enough.

In Jesus, you are enough. Christianity is the only religion in the world that says you don’t have to do it all, you don’t have to check off all the boxes, because God already has. He is the perfect one, not you. He created you, purposefully and intentionally. You are precious in His sight. And He guarantees (yes, guarantees!) your salvation through your faith and His grace. Not through anything you’ve done or anything you feel.

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the bodya and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. (Ephesians 2:1-10)

I’m so thankful for God’s grace and for the reminder that I am enough, even when I don’t feel like it. That I can come to Him with all my burdens and worries and find rest (Matthew 11:28-30).

My prayer this year is to live more like Jesus. In the words of Kristi McLelland, I want to stare at God and only glance at myself. “He must increase, and I must decrease.” (John 3:30) Yes, yes, yes. Thank you, Father.

Writing for "What to Expect"

How I Navigated the Postpartum Period While Recovering From an Eating Disorder

I’m so grateful and honored to share my story with “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” I’ve written a lot about my pregnancy experience, but I felt it was particularly important to share about the postpartum period. For me, becoming a new mom and experiencing all the physical and emotional changes that come postpartum was much harder than I was anticipating. After recovering from anorexia nervosa, I found my post-pregnancy body brought up new challenges and thoughts. I also had more anxiety and fear crop up. And at the same time—I felt happier and more fulfilled as a mom than I could have ever imagined.

I hope and pray my essay encourages you, wherever you’re at in your motherhood journey. Thanks for joining me!

Hope in the Midst of Unmet Expectations

“May the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge, reward you fully for what you have done.” (Ruth 2:12, NLT)

I had our first year of marriage all planned out. 

Romantic dinners, walks in the park, coffee dates, and Sundays side-by-side at church. 

Instead, our year looked vastly different. Shortly after our honeymoon, my husband began working nights. The job slowly ate away at him and often hit 80 hours per week. We hardly saw each other. 

“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?” (Psalm 13:1a, ESV)

I wonder if Ruth ever felt the same way. 

After losing her father-in-law, brother-in-law, and husband, Ruth boldly chose to stay by her mother-in-law Naomi’s side. 

“For wherever you go, I will go, and wherever you live, I will live; your people will be my people, and your God will be my God.” (Ruth 1:16b, HCSB)

Her loyalty comes amidst desperation. Ruth had witnessed Naomi’s faith in Yahweh. She was willing to leave behind her family and homeland to follow the Lord. And she had hope He would deliver them.

God wrote Ruth’s story, and once in Bethlehem, He brought her to Boaz’s field. Boaz protects her, ensuring she and Naomi have food. He blesses her:

“May the Lord, the God of Israel, under whose wings you have come to take refuge, reward you fully for what you have done.” (Ruth 2:12, NLT)

Ruth’s unwavering faith in the Lord is so encouraging. Through every season, we’re called to seek refuge under the shadow of His wings.

This young woman had no idea Boaz was one of Naomi’s “kinsman-redeemers.” She was simply obeying God. Later, she humbles herself at Boaz’s feet, requesting marriage. Boaz selflessly takes Ruth as his bride and vows to sacrificially care for her. This is huge! God’s providence leads Ruth—a poor widow and foreigner—to Boaz. She gives birth to a son, and God puts Ruth in the genealogy of Jesus. 

Naomi and Ruth had no home, security, or hope. And God provided. 

He’s not left us without a Redeemer. He cares for us as individual women, no matter our background or circumstance. During marital hardship, poverty, fear, disappointment, and death, God is still present. He’s full of lovingkindness, and He’s provided our ultimate Kinsman-Redeemer in Jesus Christ.

My marriage didn’t improve overnight. My husband’s job wore us down and disappointed us.

But God never did. He was always there, pointing me to stories of hope like Ruth’s.

He showed us dashed expectations can be a very good thing and His plan is much better than ours. Ten months into marriage, I gave birth to our son, an unexpected, “good and perfect gift” (James 1:17, NIV). God gave us a tangible sign of hope—a continual reminder of His provision. “How excellent is thy lovingkindness, O God! therefore the children of men put their trust under the shadow of thy wings.” (Psalm 36:7, KJV)

Thank you, Jesus.

With Us in the Wilderness

My sister-in-law and I have been studying Numbers using Lauren Chandler’s With Us in the Wilderness book. And it has been so good. Numbers is the kind of book that I would read through quickly, missing much of the meaning and having a hard time focusing on. But Chandler has connected so many dots for us throughout Scripture, and we’re only halfway through the study. 

One of my favorite passages in the Bible is Numbers 6:24-26. This was actually read as a blessing at our wedding, and this year I decided to memorize it. I love praying this over my son (and he especially loves the Elevation Worship song based on it!)

Even if you haven’t read the book of Numbers before (I hadn’t), you’re likely familiar with these verses. For context, during the book of Exodus, God delivers His people out of Egypt after sending 10 plagues and parting the Red Sea. Now, the Israelites are in the wilderness, where they will spend 40 years before entering the Promised Land. During this part of Numbers, the people are restless. They are tired of wandering and impatient for God’s promise. The Lord gives Aaron (a priest and brother of Moses) this blessing for His people.

“The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.”

— Numbers 6:24-26

This is an incredible blessing from God. He extends it to each and every one of His children, and it still applies even when we’re walking through our own wilderness. Jesus Himself went through the wilderness. For 40 days, He was tempted by Satan, and He relied on the Father to deliver Him.

In her study book, Chandler writes:

“The Lord ‘blesses people by giving them children, property, land, good health, and his presence (Gen. 17:16; 22:17f; Lev 26:3-13; Deut. 28:2-14).’ The Lord ‘keeps’ His people by guarding and protecting them. For God to ‘shine his face’ on them is to liken Him to the favor and grace sunshine brings… The peace that is mentioned here is the Hebrew word shalom. It isn’t just peace in wartime, but wholeness and well-being. It is the ‘sum total of all God’s good gifts to his people.’”

Through Jesus, we get to have this total peace—both with God and with others. When we accept Christ as our Lord and Savior, we get to experience the sum total of all God’s good gifts to His people. Wow. That is the truth that I desperately need to cling to when times are hard.

If you are in the middle of your own wilderness right now, know that you are not alone. God sees you, and He continually offers deliverance. I’m so grateful for that.

What are you studying in the Word right now? Does your Bible study or quiet time look different because of the pandemic? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.