Pressing Pause

I’ve been pretty silent here and on social media since my daughter was born. The transition to two children has been simultaneously beautiful and wild, and 2021 was one of the best and hardest years I’ve experienced so far. Insomnia, postpartum depression and anxiety, and Covid brought hardship, while some other things that I’m not ready to talk about publicly yet led to deep restoration within our family.

This week, I finished reading Jodi Picoult’s latest novel, about a Manhattanite stuck on a tropical island as the Covid pandemic hits New York City and the world. The main character shares a realization halfway through the book that resonated with me during this season:

Here, I can’t lose myself in errands and work assignments; I can’t disappear in a crowd. I am forced to walk instead of run, and as a result I’ve seen things I would have sped past before—the fuss of a crab trading up for a new shell, the miracle of a sunrise, the garish burst of a cactus flower.

Busy is just a euphemism for being so focused on what you don’t have that you never notice what you do.

It’s a defense mechanism. Because if you stop hustling—if you pause—you start wondering why you ever thought you wanted all those things.

As a former New Yorker who traded deadlines for diapers, I so feel this! It’s not that I’m not busy anymore but that I’ve stopped hustling. My productivity looks different. (I’ve talked about this before.) And since giving birth to my daughter, I’ve finally allowed myself to pause.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been striving. I’ve been working to answer the question, “Am I enough?” Having a lot on my plate and pushing myself to be “the best” is the easy way out for me. But focusing on the present and finding contentment in Christ alone? That’s a lot harder. That’s when I start to gaze at myself and wonder if I measure up.

Perhaps you can relate to the thoughts below, some of which are my own and others are what I’ve heard from friends:

• If I'm not freelance writing and continuing my professional career, am I enough?

• If I’m not blogging and sharing God’s Word publicly, am I enough?

• If I’m not exercising regularly, am I enough?

• If I’m still single and so desire to get married, am I enough?

• If I’m struggling with infertility, am I enough?

• If I’m living paycheck to paycheck, am I enough?

• If I keep getting passed up for that promotion, am I enough?

• If my relationships are on the rocks, am I enough?

• If I don’t have enough saved for my kids’ college and my retirement, am I enough?

• If I don’t know what God thinks about me, am I enough?

Friend, you are enough.

In Jesus, you are enough. Christianity is the only religion in the world that says you don’t have to do it all, you don’t have to check off all the boxes, because God already has. He is the perfect one, not you. He created you, purposefully and intentionally. You are precious in His sight. And He guarantees (yes, guarantees!) your salvation through your faith and His grace. Not through anything you’ve done or anything you feel.

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the bodya and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. (Ephesians 2:1-10)

I’m so thankful for God’s grace and for the reminder that I am enough, even when I don’t feel like it. That I can come to Him with all my burdens and worries and find rest (Matthew 11:28-30).

My prayer this year is to live more like Jesus. In the words of Kristi McLelland, I want to stare at God and only glance at myself. “He must increase, and I must decrease.” (John 3:30) Yes, yes, yes. Thank you, Father.

A Word for 2019

Freedom.

Rooted.

Steadfast.

I’ve been choosing a word of the year since 2016. A new word for each year, and each year, God shows up. While I think about the word and pray about it some before officially choosing it, I’m still not really sure in January what it means for me or if it will affect my year ahead. But then God always does beyond what I imagine He will, revealing more of Himself through that word over the next 12 months.

I didn’t spend a lot of time focusing on my word for 2019, because it came to me quickly, and I knew this word was the right one.

Peace.

Peace in my pregnancy, labor and delivery, and parenting.

Peace in my marriage.

Peace in our families and friendships.

Peace financially.

Peace with our jobs.

Peace at home.

Peace in my heart.

Peace with God.

This peace is the opposite of fear, worry, and anxiety. It’s the opposite of turmoil and war. Peace takes work. It takes trust in the Lord and faith in His plan.

The word “peace” occurs more than 400 times in the Bible. Yes, 400.

Try finding “fear” or “anxiety” that many times. Hint: You won’t. And when you do see “fear,” it’s likely referring to the fear of God, a holy reverence and awe of Him, not a feeling of danger.

A few weeks ago my pastor gave a sermon where he referenced Ephesians 2, and it has really stuck with me. He said Jesus Himself is our peace—and that God actually created peace. Meditating on that helps bring me peace. Our God is not a God of worry and anxiety but of peace.

“For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near.”

— Ephesians 2:14-17

God sent his son, Jesus, to defeat sin and Satan. He destroyed the dividing wall of hostility between us and God, and He offers new, eternal life to everyone—simply asking we confess that we need Him and that we believe in Him. The cross that Jesus died for us on reconciles us to God and puts to death the hostility. It can no longer overtake us or rule us. It’s done for good.

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”

— Isaiah 9:6

But Jesus is not.

He rose again and is now seated at the throne in heaven. He came and preached peace to all the ends of the earth. Peace is His mission. Peace is His message, and this is the peace that I want to guide my life.

The last few months of my 2018 haven’t been peaceful. They’ve been full of worry, anxiety, doubt, and fear. They’ve looked much different than what I had expected for newlywed life. My husband and I work opposite schedules. We have a few hours to be together on the weekend, but that’s it. There’s no time for joining a group together through our church or for making new friends. No time for the seemingly little things like having breakfast with each other or even washing the dishes together. We both value quality time as our top love language, so having such different schedules has been trying to say the least. I haven’t always run to God for comfort and peace.

My anxiety has shifted off of my body and food—praise God!—as He has brought significant healing into that area of my life. But when I’m not spending as much time in the Word, in prayer, or in community, the anxiety can crop back up in new ways. In these past few months, I’ve wrestled with anxiety in my pregnancy. I’ve worried about my baby and his health, and I’ve developed a rather intense fear of delivery. I’ve faced anxiety around my job, around Charles’ job, around our home and being “ready” for baby, around our finances, and even around my passion of writing and this blog.

This anxiety culminated last month in a panic attack, a first for me and something I felt woefully unprepared for.

It was terrifying, and I didn’t understand what was happening in the moment. After I calmed down, I fell asleep for over an hour. It was as though my body shut down, refusing to carry the weight of anxiety anymore.

As I’ve been processing through each of these things, I’ve written less and less on this blog. I’ve needed time to work through my thoughts and emotions with God, my husband, and those closest to me.

January feels like a new chapter for me and my little family. I keep thinking about the peace of Christ, and I pray this peace will rule in my heart as I have been “called to live in peace. And always be thankful.” (Colossians 3:15) Gratitude truly does change my perspective. When I focus on my blessings, like thinking about this baby boy as a literal miracle, my fear quickly dissipates. When I remember all The Lord has done for me, how He’s given me a new identity and a firm foundation in Him alone, then the stressors of this world become meaningless. Then all I want is to live for Him and to be more like Him.

I love the story of Jesus calming the storm in Luke 8:22-25:

“One day he and his disciples got into a boat, and he told them, ‘Let’s cross over to the other side of the lake.’ So they set out, and as they were sailing he fell asleep. Then a fierce windstorm came down on the lake; they were being swamped and were in danger. They came and woke him up, saying, ‘Master, Master, we’re going to die!’

Then he got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waves. So they ceased, and there was a calm. He said to them, ‘Where is your faith?’

They were fearful and amazed, asking one another, ‘Who then is this? He commands even the winds and the waves, and they obey him!’”

As I read this passage this week, I noticed the note I had written in the margin: Often we go through storms to experience more of God and more of His glory. He uses the storms to strengthen our faith and trust in Him. But He’s always present in the storm and all-powerful over it.

I imagine God has been waiting for me to come to this point, saying to me, Where is your faith? (Luke 8:25) I have created you for such a time as this. (Esther 4:14) Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. (Jeremiah 1:5) I know the plans I have for you, and I will give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) Now trust in me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5) Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

Okay, Holy Spirit, let’s do this. 2019, I’m ready.

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.