God Is Up To Something

Guys. It feels like forever since I’ve written. In reality, it’s been twenty-four days—and in blog terms, that’s an eternity. My goal for 2017 is to write to you weekly. This blog has been a blessing and helped me connect with so many of you who I otherwise would not have. I love hearing your stories, answering your questions, and hopefully giving you some encouragement as you continue about your life exactly where you are. This space is part of my ministry, one I pray God grows and uses in the days, weeks, and months to come. His plan is bigger than I can comprehend, and I’m excited to be even a small part of it.

I am bursting with stories to tell you and lessons to share. I’ve let the blog take a back seat throughout November, instead focusing on being present in my new job, new church, and new home. I’ve focused on relationships here, and I’ve focused on my relationship with the Lord. In doing so, 

He keeps putting the word “restore” on my heart.

Restore (v.) — to give back or return. To put or bring back into existence or use. To repair or renovate so as to return to its original condition. Synonyms: recreate, refresh, revitalize, revive, renew.

I have been hearing “restore” over and over again. It started as a whisper and then this week grew louder and louder. I took that as a signal that it was time to write y’all a new blog post.

I’m in a season of restoration, and God is sweetly showing me what this looks like in various areas of my life.

As many of you already know, I’m a big proponent of counseling. I met with a Christian counselor regularly in New York City for the past three years and really believe everyone could benefit from a good counselor. Saying goodbye to my counselor when I moved brought me to tears. She had been with me through so much: moves, job changes, love, heartache. She counseled me as I decided to publicly affirm my faith in Christ through baptism. She watched and supported as I launched this blog. She’s been there through every up and down; my relationship with the Lord and my character as a woman of God grew under her. He had His hand on our counseling relationship, blessing it from the very start. I experienced tremendous healing from my eating disorder, anxiety, depression. And I became a true woman of the Lord.

As soon as I accepted the call to Nashville, I started looking for a counselor in the area. Through praying and consulting with those who know my story, I felt that a nutrition counselor was the best route to go. Finding one was at first an arduous process. It seemed as though I kept hitting dead ends. I actually broke down in tears one day over it.

My doubt and frustration was short-lived, though. A friend recommended her nutritionist here, and the rest is history. We’ve met twice so far; I know she’s part of the reason God has me here in Tennessee. She’s a nutritionist, a counselor, and a Christian. She knows what’s up. She just gets it. And she believes she can help guide me to full freedom, healing, and restoration from any remaining chains of the eating disorder that almost killed me eight years ago.

She used the word “restoration” on day one. That’s her goal for me. Restoration to the full woman of God I was created to be. Fearfully and wonderfully made. Knit together before birth with a name written in the stars. It’s a restoration both physical and spiritual. It’s a process I am excited about and believe God is equipping me to walk through.

In Acts 3, Peter heals a lame beggar. He speaks to all who watch him do so, reminding them this is possible through faith in Jesus Christ, whom God raised from the dead. He goes on,

“And now, brothers, I know that you did it in ignorance, just as your leaders also did. But what God predicted through the mouth of all the prophets—that His Messiah would suffer—He has fulfilled in this way. Therefore repent and turn back, so that your sins may be wiped out, that seasons of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, and that He may send Jesus, who has been appointed for you as the Messiah. Heaven must welcome Him until the times of the restoration of all things, which God spoke about by the mouth of His holy prophets from the beginning."

The Bible tells us we can expect a restoration of all things. Over and over again, we see that God is making all things new! This doesn't only apply to our physical bodies; it applies to our entire lives. He will create a new heaven and a new earth, and the former things shall not be remembered or come to mind (Isaiah 65:17). I began researching this theme in the Word and found such hope in the fact that He is renewing everything. Truly everything.

I was thinking a lot about the idea of restoration, and the next thing I know, I find out my church is doing a Christmas series called All Things New. Yes, really.

Shortly after that, a different friend of mine mentions Isaiah 43:19 during a completely unrelated conversation.

“Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert.”

— Isaiah 43:19

I never told her “restore” was on my heart, yet here she was talking to me about a passage on renewing, reviving, and restoring.

God is up to something.

I want to tell you: Wherever you are in this very moment, know that God is doing a new thing. If you are reading this with a broken and lonely heart because the one you love doesn’t reciprocate, take comfort in the fact that God is doing a new thing. If you are wondering how you’ll make it through the holidays this year, remember that He is making a way in the wilderness. If you are questioning whether God will give you some relief from your chronic illness, know that He is bringing about the restoration of all things.  

I’m not sure when or how He will restore. I do think it’s something He’s actively doing and will fulfill in the ultimate sense when we reach His kingdom.

Yet on this Earth, He will not leave us hanging. He who made you will not forget you. Do not be afraid.

Restoration is coming, and it is beautiful beyond our wildest dreams.

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.

This Post Is Not About Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton

I don’t need to rehash details of this year’s presidential election to you. Today is November 4. With less than a week to go, you probably know all about the candidates, the scandals, the mudslinging, the mess. You’ve probably watched it all unfold and then burst into uncontrollable flames like I have.

It’s completely disheartening, and the more I dwell on it, the more upset I get. In fact, I couldn’t make it through the debates without a hefty dose of chocolate—and I couldn’t make it through the last one at all. How are these the two candidates we’ve ended up with? How is this the state of our country?

It feels like a joke, but it’s far from it.

A friend of mine recently shared an excerpt from C.S. Lewis’ 1942 book, The Screwtape Letters. The satirical book is a series of letters from a senior demon, Screwtape, to his young nephew, Wormwood. Screwtape assigns Wormwood to a human—the "patient"—and advises him on how to excel as the devil, how to tempt and bring to hell. I read the book a few years ago, but I completely forgot about this particular passage until my friend posted it online:

My Dear Wormwood,

Be sure that the patient remains completely fixated on politics. Arguments, political gossip, and obsessing on the faults of people they have never met serves as an excellent distraction from advancing in personal virtue, character, and the things the patient can control. Make sure to keep the patient in a constant state of angst, frustration, and general disdain towards the rest of the human race in order to avoid any kind of charity or inner peace from further developing. Ensure that the patient continues to believe that the problem is "out there" in the "broken system" rather than recognizing there is a problem with himself.

Keep up the good work,

Uncle Screwtape

This is us. This is where we are.

We’re fixated on politics, gossip, anger, and frustration. We complain about a broken system when in reality, the problem is within. This presidential election goes far beyond a system of democracy instituted by our founding fathers. It reflects the state of our hearts and the spiritual battle we face between good and evil. Satan wants to take us down in any way he can. He’ll use all the tools in his arsenal. Political dissent, debate, argument, hate, anarchy—those are a few of his favorite tools, and he’s definitely using them in our current culture.

But as Believers, our story doesn’t end here. We live for something greater. We're so distracted by politics that we've forgotten the truth. While voting and engaging in our government is so very important, it will not ultimately save our souls.

Let me put it this way: Donald Trump is not our savior.

Hillary Clinton is not our savior.

Jesus is our savior.

We can take heart for He has overcome the world.  

Understanding this truth gives me peace. It should lift our spirits. It should also encourage us to share the Good News.

I have slowly yet surely been making my way through the story of Jeremiah, and I’ve been convicted to spread the truth, even when it’s not popular. This Old Testament book is more a challenge for me to get through, but after reading some online Bible commentaries, I’ve come to better relate to it. And I can see how very relevant it is to our current culture.

The prophet Jeremiah was sent by God to teach the Israelites, a people who don’t believe in God. They don’t fear Him. They don’t obey Him. Instead they are fixed on sin, selfishness, and utter debauchery. Jeremiah tries to tell them how their lack of belief and trust in God will result in eternal wrath.

No one wants to hear his message. This kingdom could care less about the God he speaks of. They accept and promote the things God hates, and they have no qualms about this.

Jeremiah felt completely alone and discouraged. It hurt Jeremiah to see the land of Judah and Israel in such a state. Jeremiah struggled. How could he deliver God’s message to a people who strayed so far from what God intended for them? How could he tell the unpopular, convicting truth to people who didn’t want to hear it?

We will all experience rejection and discouragement in our walk with the Lord. To me, the election is incredibly discouraging. The sin we’re seeing before our eyes is not what God wants for us. It is not how He intended for us to live. It’s the result of the fall—the result of our brokenness.

But Jeremiah shows us that we can take comfort in God’s faithfulness. He knew the plans God had for him and the plans He had for Israel. To give them hope and to prosper, to give him a future. God has those plans for all who believe. His words are life, and we have to keep sharing them no matter how unpopular they are. Whether Democrat or Republican or Independent, we have to keep sharing. Even when those words seem foolish and crazy to the outside world, we're called to deliver the truth.

I pray for our nation’s leaders and for our country’s protection. I pray for peace around the world. I pray we wouldn't be distracted by our differences but that we would come together under the one who is Lord. I believe He is faithful, and I know that no matter what happens with this election, or during the next four years, I live for something more. My hope rests in Christ and Christ alone. I thank God for that.

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.

Praise Report

I started writing this blog post yesterday, and it was a completely different post. Feelings of frustration and anxiety overwhelmed me. I felt like I had all this pent-up (negative) energy that I needed to get out. Get the feelings off my chest and onto the page. I wrote two hundred or so words.

Those words are dark. Harsh. They come from a place of anger and irritation—a place we all sit in on some days. But I read those words back today, and I’m thankful I didn’t publish them. They don’t tell the truth of where I am in this moment, how I feel, and how the Lord is working in my life. Today my disposition is different. Maybe I’ll dig out that draft to turn it into a full post one day. But right now, it’s not an accurate depiction of my heart.

My hope is that this blog is an outpouring of exhortation, encouragement, and light. Yes, sometimes I’ll be brutally honest with you and tell you, I’m mad at God right now and feel like a mess. And that is totally okay. It’s real. We all go through those seasons, however long or short.

Yet I don’t want to sit here and complain about the little frustrations I’ve had in getting settled when the reality is that God has been unbelievably faithful. He’s showing me (yet again) that I don’t need to worry or stress.

God’s bigger picture is so much grander than my small anxieties.

He’s provided in countless ways, and I think sharing that with you is important. I don’t know what you’re going through in life right now. But what I do know is that He is working, even when things look hopeless. Please trust me in that.

Two weeks ago, I was upset with God. My subletter for my NYC apartment decided she was moving out—10 days after moving in. I instantly went to a place of fear and distress. I couldn’t afford to pay rent on that apartment, in addition to my rent here in Nashville. And I got mad at God because all I wanted was to feel settled here. How could I root into my new life when I was still so physically and financially tied to my life in New York?

I did what I do best and strategized my way through the problem. I posted about the apartment on every platform possible, spreading the word to everyone I knew. And the demand was high. Countless women from countless walks of life wanted my room. Still, I worried these women wouldn’t be the right fit for my old roomie. The situation was a dark cloud looming over me.

And the thing is: I could do very little. I had to trust God. I had to let Him work while I prayed and believed in His provision.

I was reminded by those closest to me that the Lord so clearly called me to Nashville. He wouldn’t leave this major piece of the puzzle unsolved. He provided once; he would provide again.

Provide He did. He went above and beyond this time, giving my old roommate a fellow Believer, a sweet girl that she clicked with right off the bat. He provided this within a week of starting the search. I didn’t have to pay double rent because God came through.

Why did I even doubt in the first place?

The Lord keeps showing up. It’s a cycle of me worrying, Him providing, and me being all, Wow, why did I ever distrust Him?

I live alone here in Tennessee. I thought it would be hard to be myself, yet it’s actually been refreshing and fun. My apartment complex has a tennis court. I’ve hit the pavement for the first time in years. And it feels awesome. I also now drive a car—I own said vehicle. I own a car! It is crazy and awesome. God brought me to a dealership full of fellow Christians who truly wanted to help me and not wheel and deal me. I love my car, I love driving, and I no longer fear the road like I did when I first moved here. Huge praise for that.

I am meeting a lot of wonderful people here in Tennessee. They are genuinely kind and welcoming, and I believe strong friendships are on the horizon. I’ve prayed for just one Godly man and one Godly woman to enter my life and my boyfriend’s life. People we can be friends with but who also hold us accountable, challenge us, and strengthen us in our faith. He’s putting people into our lives with the potential to be those very people for us. And he’s put us in a church body of incredibly strong men and women who believe in the Bible and strive to walk in it every day.

Praise God.

One month into my job, and I couldn’t be happier. While working in ministry is a pretty big shift, the transition has been easier than I anticipated. It feels like this is where I was always supposed to be. I’m using my giftings to engage the church, share the Gospel, and be salt and light to the world. I know there will be plenty of challenges in working at a church, but right now I am thrilled to have the opportunity to do God’s work in my 9-to-5.

In transitioning to Nashville, I knew it would be important to have a counselor near by to help me continue on the road to full freedom and be available whenever new temptations and stressors arise. After weeks of frustration over connecting with someone who is qualified, accepting new patients, and the right fit for a counseling relationship, I found someone. A new friend of mine recommended her nutrition counselor to me, and I can already tell meeting with her is going to be a really healthy step for me. She’s an expert in her field, and we connected instantly on the phone. Oh, and she’s a Believer.

I prayed about each of these things. I wanted them to happen on day one of moving here. I wanted to essentially take my New York life and transplant it here. I expected friends, community, a counselor—heck, even a fully furnished apartment—on day one. That’s not how it’s worked out. And that’s okay. Life is slowly coming together. God’s making me turn to Him and abandon my own control. Yes, that can be annoying at times. Of course, I like to be in charge and d0 things my way. But there’s something so sweet about this process. It’s freeing.

Friend, hear me when I say we don’t have to worry because He will come through. We just have to know that His provision often looks different than what we want or expect. It may look different than what we pray for. I can tell you I never would have asked to struggle with an eating disorder, or to enter treatment eight years ago, or miss my first semester of college. But now that I look back, all of that was truly a blessing because it changed the course of my life. God used that terrible pain and suffering to bring me near to Him and shape me into the woman I am today. He used all of it to take me to Nashville, this job, and this place of growth and gratitude. And I wouldn’t change that for the world.

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.

Be Still

I have overslept three times in the past two weeks.

Three times.

You might be thinking, What’s the big deal? Or Three is nothing; I oversleep every day!

But for me, three times in fourteen days is a lot.

Three times, I woke up, noticed the clock was way past the time when I needed to get up, and immediately felt a surge of adrenaline and anxiety. You know that feeling: the one where you bolt out of bed, move through the house like a tornado, and start your day in a scramble.

It’s not fun.

It happened this morning, and I missed a coffee date I was so looking forward to. But when my friend texted back that she was thankful I got the rest my body needed, she made me think about what my body actually needs. I have been operating on full throttle for the past four years. Maybe even longer. Ever since graduating college and moving to New York, I’ve been in acceleration mode, constantly pushing to go further and faster and harder.

What would it look like to take a deep breath? To push pause on the flurry of activity in my life and enjoy the present moment without hustling through it?

These are questions I am currently wading through and exploring as I settle into life here in Tennessee.

In New York City, I walked everywhere. I walked up and down six flights of stairs just to get to my apartment. I walked up and down more stairs each time I rode the subway. I lugged 20-plus pounds of groceries block after block whenever I went shopping or visited the farmer’s market. (And probably a lot more if I went to Trader Joe’s because I can’t resist.)

Seemingly easy tasks often became far more complicated simply because I lived in New York.

The week before I left the city, I put together a garbage bag full of clothing and shoes to take to my local Salvation Army. I finally found time to transport them—on a day when it was raining. So I ordered a $5 Uber to drive me the 10 minutes to the Salvation Army. The driver ended up yelling at me about slamming his trunk too hard after I put my trash bag in there. He got so angry with me, in fact, that he scared me. I got out of his car before the ride even started and attempted to take a cab instead. Unfortunately the cab I hailed told me he was only going to Brooklyn. I left the cab with my giant trash bag and stepped back into the rain. I burst into tears, leaving my donation bag on the street and walking back to my apartment.

It’s a silly example but an example nonetheless: Everyday life in New York City is serious work. It’s hard, and it’s not for the faint of heart. It will knock you down time and time again. It will make you push the gas pedal harder and harder until eventually you’re running on empty.

Despite all of this, I loved it.

I loved the thrill. I loved seeing how much I could handle and accomplish and excel at. I loved having a packed calendar and knocking things off my list. I loved seeing the number of steps on my iPhone hit 8 or 10 or 12 thousand every day. I loved the constant movement. And I loved the sense of power I got from living a life that many people told me they could never handle.

I let “New Yorker” become part of my identity.

Now, I drive pretty much everywhere. I have a Walmart, Target, Kroger, Publix, you name it within a five to 10-minute drive of my apartment. I have a 15-minute commute instead of a 50-minute one. I live on the ground floor. I have a dishwasher and a thermostat. I have convenience in a way I haven’t experienced since college, and it’s amazing.

It’s also really challenging for me. I think part of what led to my eating disorder years ago was this internal desire to push myself and be better. Ultimately, it wasn’t about the food—it was about control and maximizing my own control. It was about approval and accomplishments. It was about being the best. Having success.

My definition of success became entwined with busyness and movement. If I’m honest, it still is. I still see a full life as one that’s very busy and active.

Yet in the past two weeks, God has been showing me how completely false that is. He’s forcing me to rest. I’m oversleeping because I’m tired. My body is craving the rest. For the first time in years, I’m not walking everywhere and collapsing into bed at the end of the day. I’m not pushing myself with a new fitness or yoga routine. I’m not scheduling in a million coffee dates, dinners, and parties.

I want to keep moving and pushing, but the Lord is all, “Be still and know that I am God.”

He is stripping me of control. My ability to wake up to an alarm is not so hot right now, and the step counter on my iPhone is broken. I don’t think either is a coincidence. I talked a lot about rest and stillness while living in Manhattan. I even wrote a blog post on practicing a Sabbath. The little ways that I rested as New York City resident were really just the practice round. Now I’m in the game. Now I have put those stillness strategies into play for real.

I found out this week that my NYC subletter is moving out. I’ll need to find a new apartment-mate for my old roomie, someone who is a good fit for her and who’s also willing to stay. Otherwise, I’m liable for six month’s rent. Yikes.

There’s very little I can do from here to find this new roommate. I put up ads and am spreading the word, but I don’t have much control over the situation. The thing is, God called me here to Tennessee. He won’t leave this big piece of the puzzle unsolved. He provided before, and He’ll do so again. This time, he’s doing it without my control. He’s doing it while asking me to be still.

It’s evident to me that the Lord knows what I need and is using everything from broken alarm clocks to a subletter falling through to show me that what I need is rest.

God put a verse on my heart this morning. I keep hearing Acts 17:28 over and over in my head:

“For in Him, we live and move and have our being. As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are His offspring.”  

I move and I have life because of Him. Period. That’s encouraging to me. My identity is not rooted in being a New Yorker, in hitting 10,000 steps a day, or in crossing things off an endless checklist. I’m a child of God. My identity is complete in Him. I pray I remember that every day.

Thank you, Jesus, for giving me life and the ability to move. Thank you for reminding me that you are in control, and life is so much better that way. Thank you for showing me stillness. Give me the courage to practice all you’re teaching me.

I pray that you, too, would see the beauty of stillness. Surrender to His plans and provision. Let Him do His work, and I know your life will be a glorious adventure because of it.