How to Handle Conflict Well

I don’t like conflict. I don’t like arguments or drama. I don’t think many people do. Yet even as believers, we will have conflicts with one another. We will fight, and we will cause hurts. 

Thankfully, scripture shows us how to treat one another and how to handle conflicts when they arise. This is something I am still learning how to do well. As Jesus says to the scribes and Pharisees in John 8:7, “The one without sin among you should be the first to throw a stone at her [the adulteress].” Jesus is the only perfect one. He’s the only one without sin. So even when we feel wronged by others, we have to remember that we’re far from perfect. 

I’m a sinner, and I know I have hurt people in the past and will hurt people in the future. But I want to be a peacemaker. I want to handle conflict well. Ultimately, I want to follow the example of Christ.

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.”

— Matthew 5:9

These seven tips will help you resolve conflict in a healthy way. (Other suggestions? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.)

1. Pray.

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”

— 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I often want to make lists, talk things out, read an article, or somehow try to solve a problem on my own before I turn to God. But prayer needs to come first. Prayer is how we talk to God and how He speaks to us.

Ask Him for wisdom and discernment. Ask for grace, compassion, and the words to say to your friend. Then ask for Him to shine a light on your own sin. 

2. Examine your own heart.

“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?”

— Matthew 7:3

This one is tough. I’m thankful for friends who hold me accountable and remind me that I am a sinner, too. Jesus is the only perfect man—who’s also fully God. When you feel hurt or wronged by someone, examine your own heart, too. We all likely have a log in our own eyes. 

3. Address it without delay.

Even though it might feel uncomfortable, address the conflict as soon as possible rather than putting it off. Doing so is better for your relationship in the long run. Trust me, I’ve learned this the hard way. You don’t want bitterness and resentment to crop up and slowly take over like weeds. Address things quickly, honestly, and courageously face-to-face—or at least on the phone. Please, no texting. 

4. Listen.

Hopefully your friend is willing to talk to you to resolve this conflict. When they do, make sure you listen genuinely. Let them say what they need to say, even if it feels awkward for you. Listen and give them your full attention. 

5. Confess and repent.

I have been studying the book of John over the past few weeks, and I have been especially struck by Jesus’ restoration of Peter in John 21. Peter had denied Jesus three times before His death. But when He returns resurrected, Jesus gives Peter three opportunities to state His love (or deny Him again). Peter declares his love and faith.

“Lord you know everything; you know that I love you,” Peter says.

Peter has repented, and the Lord offers bold forgiveness and mercy. If we are to follow the example of Jesus, then we, too, are to confess and repent. “I’m sorry” are two simple words that go a very long way. 

6. Forgive.

“For if you forgive others their offenses, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don’t forgive others, your Father will not forgive your offenses.”

— Matthew 6:14-15

Holding a grudge is a surefire way to destroy a relationship, not to mention your own emotional and spiritual health. As believers, we know that we have been forgiven much. Our Father has forgiven us for our sins, and He will continue to forgive us for future sins. We have done nothing to deserve this! 

“But God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

— Romans 5:8

When I meditate on that verse, I am so convicted. Jesus washes my sins away and offers me a clean slate every single day. He shows his grace and mercy. I’m not saying you need to condone continual, purposeful, unrepentant sin. But I am saying you need to forgive. If we are to live out the Lord’s command as light in this world, we have to forgive. 

I’ve had broken relationships in my life where I held onto hurt, pain, and blame for years. When I finally was able to forgive, I experienced freedom like never before. Keep praying God would soften your heart and cultivate tenderness leading to forgiveness. 

7. Propose a solution.

Explain how much the person means to you. Share how you value them and their friendship. Then propose a solution to move forward. Affirming the other person is crucial. You’re letting them know you love them, even after the hurts you’ve (both) experienced. 

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

— John 13:34-35

6 Ways to Make Friends in a New City

We moved to Denver at the end of 2019, leaving behind three years of building up our community in Nashville. Colorado is a completely new environment for us, and we’re in the process of making it our home. We are creating new rhythms for our family and so thankful for this fresh start here. I don’t think I’ll ever tire of waking up to see the mountains each day!

Part of making this our home means making friends. But, how on earth do you do that as a stay-at-home mom? Or in my husband’s case, when you work a busy full-time job? 

I’m no longer sharing a commute with my roommate or chatting with my co-workers at lunch. In fact, my bestie happens to be about 10 months old and likes to nap twice a day. He’s a whole lot of fun, although it is a little hard when he can’t talk back to me (😉). 

Jesus, God himself, had friends—12 disciples in his core group. But three of those men, Peter, James, and John, were his best friends. They were present for moments that the other disciples were not, and they knew Jesus intimately. God demonstrates for us the importance of friendship and reminds us to “stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.” (Hebrews 10:24-25) 

A word of hope if you feel lonely right now: God wants to be your friend.

It might sound cliche, but it’s true. You’ll always have a friend in Jesus. In fact, He said it himself:

“This is my command: Love one another as I have loved you. No one has greater love than this: to lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. I do not call you servants anymore, because a servant doesn’t know what his master is doing. I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything I have heard from my father. You did not choose me, but I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce fruit and that you fruit should remain, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he will give you. This is what I command you: Love one another.” (John 15:12-17)

I find that so encouraging. We’re never alone when we have Christ.

Maybe you’re in a new place or a new season of life like me. So let’s get out there together! Here are six ways to make new friends:

1. Check out the local library.

Okay, the library has been my jam. If you’re a mom or dad, you’ve got to get in on the free weekday story time. My son adores the stories, music, and time with other littles. I’m loving the selection of books, audiobooks, and magazines, as well as the discounts on local museums, zoos, restaurants, and businesses. Our library facilitates a number of book clubs for various interests that I’d love to join once Charlie is a little older. Oh, and did I mention it’s all free? 

2. Get involved at your church.

We recently found our church home and are excited about all the opportunities to form community. I’ve been attending a weekly Bible study while my son hangs out in the nursery. There are a lot of other groups at all times of the day and for all life stages, such as Celebrate Recovery, Financial Peace University, and even a Bible journaling class. Being involved in the local church is such a core part of our lives as Christ followers, and how awesome we get to make friends that way, too.

3. Sign up for the YMCA.

You can sign up for any gym, but I really like the YMCA for its plethora of programs and Christ-fueled mission. A family membership is super reasonable and includes the gym, workout classes, a pool, and more, depending on your location. They also offer childcare, which is great if you’re a mom of young children. I’m looking forward to taking some yoga and barre classes and enrolling our son in swim lessons this summer. 

4. Take a class or join a group.

Consider taking a class for something you’ve always wanted to learn. Piano? Cooking? Knitting? There’s a class for that. I’ve had my eye on a pasta-making class at Whole Foods for a while now, and what better friends are out there than fellow Italian food lovers? Eventbrite has no shortage of local events and groups, and I’ve also heard good things about Meetup.com.   

5. Volunteer.

Volunteering is good for you and good for others. Your church is likely connected to various ministries that can use your help. You can also reach out to your local food bank, pregnancy care center, or parks department for more opportunities. Meet others, and live out God’s command to love your neighbor. It’s been a long time since I’ve volunteered, but I’m ready to use my time and giftings to give back.

6. Hang out at the park.

If you have little ones, take them to the park. They’ll get some fresh air and physical activity, while you can chat with other parents. This one may take some stepping outside of your comfort zone. But I’d be willing to bet the other moms or dads are looking for friends just like you. 

How do you make new friends? I’d love to hear your ideas in the comments below.

One Year of Marriage

Marriage is sweet. Marriage is fun. Marriage is refining. Marriage is hard.

My husband and I celebrated one year of marriage a few weeks ago, and there’s just so much I could write about these past 365 days. We began reading 1 Peter and 2 Peter together in June, and during the week of our anniversary, God divinely had us read chapter three.

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear—but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. And you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you[a] of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

I love this passage, and I think it’s often misinterpreted in our culture. Peter’s call to live with a gentle and quiet spirit doesn’t mean women must never speak or have an opinion. He’s saying beauty is a woman whose heart loves, trusts, and finds full satisfaction in the Lord. True beauty stems from the inside.

Through marriage and now motherhood, I’ve certainly been learning what true beauty looks like—especially on those days (ahem, most days), when I skip the makeup, slip on an old sorority t-shirt, and pull my hair into a top knot.

I’ll be writing another post on beauty and these verses soon, but today I want to focus on marriage.

This past year has been beautiful and sweet and blessed and hard. Before getting married, I remember listening to a sermon from Pastor Matt Chandler in which he said he and his wife Lauren really struggled for the first seven years of their marriage. And I remember reading a book from Jess Connolly, who wrote in detail how she and her husband fought to make ends meet during their early years of marriage, moved in with her parents, and lived a vastly different life than what they had envisioned.

I haughtily thought, That won’t be us. We’ll be married after all that time dating long-distance, and life will be easy.

In fact, Charles and I have also had a year that looked vastly different than what we pictured married life would be. It’s been a year of surprises—both the good and the bad. The year was full of so much change, in our jobs, location, church, and the major transition from newlyweds to new parents. God blessed us in incredible ways. When Charles moved down to Nashville, he got a job within a few weeks, and we were able to move into an apartment in one of our favorite neighborhoods. Shortly after that, we found out we were expecting, and this April, our precious son burst into our lives.

But in the midst of great blessing, we’ve also faced hardship. Over the past year, we’ve had very limited time together because of our job schedules. Quality time is the top love language for both of us, so this lack of togetherness has been extremely difficult. We’ve dealt with unexpected medical issues and surgery, plus the many appointments and bills that come with those. All of this has happened as we’ve been sleep-deprived and physically exhausted, and as I’ve been under the cloud of pregnancy and postpartum hormones.

Our son is 12 weeks old today, and I finally feel like I’m getting a bit more rest and that my hormones are leveling off. I feel more like myself. Charles is doing better, too. We’ve moved from a season of great difficulty to a season of great difficulty but clarity. You see, God has made it abundantly clear to us what He desires for us, both individually and as a family. He’s used this year to strengthen us in ways many couples don’t experience until later in their marriage, if at all.

I remember having a conversation with my dietitian a few months ago, as I sat crying in her office. I was heavily pregnant and feeling overwhelmed, while also missing my husband. She shared with me how she and her husband, now married more than 30 years, faced their own hardship during those early years as young 20-somethings. They got married in college, they didn’t have much financially, and they lived simply. She told me how they’d make date nights special by cooking together and eating a picnic in the living room by candlelight. No television, just a radio to listen to and conversations to have with each other.

She said any difficulties they faced in that season built their marriage early on with a firm foundation in the Lord—and showed them how important it is to simply be together as husband and wife. To talk, to pray, and ultimately to trust in His plan.

And that’s exactly what Charles and I have come to realize. Reading 1 and 2 Peter has helped us see that suffering is not only a normal part of the Christian life, but it’s to be expected. Furthermore, our suffering cannot compare to what Christ suffered. He went through the most horrible death imaginable. Crucifixion was meant to put a person through as much pain as possible while prolonging their death. That’s what Jesus went experienced for us, and He lived His life with eyes focused on the cross—while also knowing He would rise again as our Savior and King. Praise God!

In this year, we’ve seen firsthand God’s grace and mercy. He is the God of restoration, strength, support, and power. (1 Peter 5:10-11) And we know that we shouldn’t be surprised “when the fiery ordeal comes among you to test you as if something unusual were happening to you.”

Our first year of marriage has been an exercise in patience and trusting in the Lord. We’re finally seeing that the difficulties we’re facing right now aren’t out of the ordinary but actually to be expected as we walk through this Christian life. We’re understanding that God’s plan is greater than ours. We’re learning to let Him work and let Him direct our steps.

“A man’s heart plans his way, but the LORD determines his steps.”

— Proverbs 16:9

Peter said it best in his second letter, written just before his death as a charge for believers to beware of idols and sins and to follow Christ wholeheartedly:

“His divine power has given us everything required for life and godliness through the knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.” (2 Peter 1:3)

The Lord does not delay His promise (2 Peter 3:9). Whenever we feel lost or impatient in our waiting, we can trust in God, who is patient with us, giving us exactly what we need in His perfect timing.

That’s the truth I now cling to. Even if there are things about this year that I wish were different, I still wouldn’t change them. My husband and I have grown together through the weeds, and we see how God is gently pruning us so we continue to grow and flourish. No matter what we face, we have the great blessing of each other—something we do not take for granted. We know God has given us everything required for life and godliness through His divine power! And we look forward to the many years ahead.

A Word for 2019

Freedom.

Rooted.

Steadfast.

I’ve been choosing a word of the year since 2016. A new word for each year, and each year, God shows up. While I think about the word and pray about it some before officially choosing it, I’m still not really sure in January what it means for me or if it will affect my year ahead. But then God always does beyond what I imagine He will, revealing more of Himself through that word over the next 12 months.

I didn’t spend a lot of time focusing on my word for 2019, because it came to me quickly, and I knew this word was the right one.

Peace.

Peace in my pregnancy, labor and delivery, and parenting.

Peace in my marriage.

Peace in our families and friendships.

Peace financially.

Peace with our jobs.

Peace at home.

Peace in my heart.

Peace with God.

This peace is the opposite of fear, worry, and anxiety. It’s the opposite of turmoil and war. Peace takes work. It takes trust in the Lord and faith in His plan.

The word “peace” occurs more than 400 times in the Bible. Yes, 400.

Try finding “fear” or “anxiety” that many times. Hint: You won’t. And when you do see “fear,” it’s likely referring to the fear of God, a holy reverence and awe of Him, not a feeling of danger.

A few weeks ago my pastor gave a sermon where he referenced Ephesians 2, and it has really stuck with me. He said Jesus Himself is our peace—and that God actually created peace. Meditating on that helps bring me peace. Our God is not a God of worry and anxiety but of peace.

“For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near.”

— Ephesians 2:14-17

God sent his son, Jesus, to defeat sin and Satan. He destroyed the dividing wall of hostility between us and God, and He offers new, eternal life to everyone—simply asking we confess that we need Him and that we believe in Him. The cross that Jesus died for us on reconciles us to God and puts to death the hostility. It can no longer overtake us or rule us. It’s done for good.

“For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”

— Isaiah 9:6

But Jesus is not.

He rose again and is now seated at the throne in heaven. He came and preached peace to all the ends of the earth. Peace is His mission. Peace is His message, and this is the peace that I want to guide my life.

The last few months of my 2018 haven’t been peaceful. They’ve been full of worry, anxiety, doubt, and fear. They’ve looked much different than what I had expected for newlywed life. My husband and I work opposite schedules. We have a few hours to be together on the weekend, but that’s it. There’s no time for joining a group together through our church or for making new friends. No time for the seemingly little things like having breakfast with each other or even washing the dishes together. We both value quality time as our top love language, so having such different schedules has been trying to say the least. I haven’t always run to God for comfort and peace.

My anxiety has shifted off of my body and food—praise God!—as He has brought significant healing into that area of my life. But when I’m not spending as much time in the Word, in prayer, or in community, the anxiety can crop back up in new ways. In these past few months, I’ve wrestled with anxiety in my pregnancy. I’ve worried about my baby and his health, and I’ve developed a rather intense fear of delivery. I’ve faced anxiety around my job, around Charles’ job, around our home and being “ready” for baby, around our finances, and even around my passion of writing and this blog.

This anxiety culminated last month in a panic attack, a first for me and something I felt woefully unprepared for.

It was terrifying, and I didn’t understand what was happening in the moment. After I calmed down, I fell asleep for over an hour. It was as though my body shut down, refusing to carry the weight of anxiety anymore.

As I’ve been processing through each of these things, I’ve written less and less on this blog. I’ve needed time to work through my thoughts and emotions with God, my husband, and those closest to me.

January feels like a new chapter for me and my little family. I keep thinking about the peace of Christ, and I pray this peace will rule in my heart as I have been “called to live in peace. And always be thankful.” (Colossians 3:15) Gratitude truly does change my perspective. When I focus on my blessings, like thinking about this baby boy as a literal miracle, my fear quickly dissipates. When I remember all The Lord has done for me, how He’s given me a new identity and a firm foundation in Him alone, then the stressors of this world become meaningless. Then all I want is to live for Him and to be more like Him.

I love the story of Jesus calming the storm in Luke 8:22-25:

“One day he and his disciples got into a boat, and he told them, ‘Let’s cross over to the other side of the lake.’ So they set out, and as they were sailing he fell asleep. Then a fierce windstorm came down on the lake; they were being swamped and were in danger. They came and woke him up, saying, ‘Master, Master, we’re going to die!’

Then he got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waves. So they ceased, and there was a calm. He said to them, ‘Where is your faith?’

They were fearful and amazed, asking one another, ‘Who then is this? He commands even the winds and the waves, and they obey him!’”

As I read this passage this week, I noticed the note I had written in the margin: Often we go through storms to experience more of God and more of His glory. He uses the storms to strengthen our faith and trust in Him. But He’s always present in the storm and all-powerful over it.

I imagine God has been waiting for me to come to this point, saying to me, Where is your faith? (Luke 8:25) I have created you for such a time as this. (Esther 4:14) Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. (Jeremiah 1:5) I know the plans I have for you, and I will give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) Now trust in me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5) Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

Okay, Holy Spirit, let’s do this. 2019, I’m ready.

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If you want to talk more about Jesus Christ and faith and what-the-heck-is-all-this-stuff, shoot me a message. I love meeting new people, whether virtually or in person, and gabbing about life. 

And if you'd like to know more of my story, you can read my testimony here.

Truly, He makes beautiful things.